Today, I found a limp head of celery in the fridge. I thought it looked like the squid alien baby from Men in Black. After nursing it for a couple of hours, giving it food, and rocking it to sleep, my parents found me. Then I realised it was just celery. Too bad it took that long for my meds to kick in. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I finally got round to cleaning out my refrigerator. As I reached the back, I found an unidentifiable, moldy object lurking in the corner. Upon closer inspection, I realized it was once a cucumber. I'm growing science experiments in my fridge. FML
Today, my parents brought home lunch from a shady grocery store deli. They mused about how hard I am to feed because I turned it down; the last time I ate anything from there, it gave me botulism, and it tastes horrible anyway. They both got sick. Now I'm playing nurse to both. No apologies yet. FML
Today, while I was babysitting, the toddler was feeding me banana slices from her tray while I was cutting up clay for her to mold. It was all fine until she shoved something hard and crunchy into my mouth. I immediately spat it out into my hand. It was a dead cricket she found on the floor. FML
Today, what I thought was food poisoning is actually a baby. FML
Today, after a long day at work, I was ready to wind down for the night. I sat on my bed and turned towards a fluttering on my left. I saw the biggest daddy-longlegs inches from my face, jumped in the other direction, forgetting there was a wall, and hit my head on it. I'm now officially wide awake. FML
Today, I was awoken by a slug crawling down my back. FML
Today, I found a baby in a cradle on my doorstep. I was shocked that someone would do this, so I picked it up and uncovered the baby. It was actually a rudimentary stink bomb that went off in my face when I uncovered it. FML
Today, after having horrific constipation the day before, I finally got the rock hard turd out of my system. Things got awkward as I cried out in pain and my mom asked me what was wrong. Realizing the dining room and kitchen was nearby, I said "Never mind, it's gross!" I think she figured it out anyways. FML
Today, I was relaxing in my dark, silent living room when I started hearing creepy, repeated sounds. It took me a while to realize those were the chickpeas I had left to swell up overnight in a glass container on the kitchen counter. FML
Today, I was about to get in the shower, when I felt an odd itch in my navel. I saw what I thought was bellybutton lint, so I pulled on it, and quickly realized what I had between my fingers was a still-squirming, headless tick. FML
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Top comments
SakataGintoki 9
Dafuq did I just read?
Pleonasm 36
It WAS the alien baby from Men In Black, just in its vegetative state.
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Comments (137)
Climaxx 11
It was a definate YDI till I read meds.. Now I'm just confused
mclauren29 22
Yeah, I thought it was a big joke. Hoping those meds are continuing to work, OP. Next time it might not be your parents who discover you nursing rotting vegetables.
iarefatal 9
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
If that's him off drugs, he must be crazy drunk or high.
Mizzaroo 13
Her*
doubleddun 9
Can tell she's from New South Wales! (Australian people jokes)
cheshireau 26
You're confusing Us with Tasmania.
tswizz 13
15, how can one be high whilst not on drugs?
kdog333 1
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
im guessing she either has ADD or ADHD, and needs to take meds for it.
Ashekitty 6
You must know nothing about ADD or ADHD. I have ADD all it definitely doesn't make someone nurse lettuce...
CaptainDoorknob 7
82 is a retard who clearly knows nothing. ADD and ADHD are just attention problems.
zeldafrettchen 1
12. you're ******* gorgeous.
Sarah_Ann94 5
Pretty sure that ADD and ADHD don't cause people to nurse veggies back to health. Also pretty sure that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
billypatterson 2
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
I agree OP is full of shit.
MindFreakazoid 10
62 - Sharpies and white-out, my friend
adamo_erebus 26
OP probably has schizophrenia?
SakataGintoki 9
Dafuq did I just read?
DooleyFTW 17
That's exactly what I was thinking! This FML confused the shit out of me
truth_spitta 0
Where is the logic in this fml? I'm still stuck on the fact that OP thought celery was an alien, and believed that.
Drigr 9
And somehow, shit like this made it all the way through moderation...
Tsunami87 17
I think OP is delusional. Some people believe the strangest things when unwell, I actually feel sorry for this person. Get well soon OP!
WritingWrongs 8
Usually I thumb this generic comment down, but this time... That's exactly what I said when I got to the end of the FML.
keeper801 8
Seriously. And by "nursing" it... Does she mean like she tried to breast feed it??
Marrach 7
Haha. I thought the same and YDI.. But once I saw the meds part; OP has a condition. Hey! Atleast OP didn't throw or beat it thinking its an alien invasion. Either way , That sucks OP, FYL
damn_homie 2
Lmfaoo umm wtf? I am soo confused. And y'all comments are just hilarious.
vippity 1
If I could favourite comments, that would be most definitely a fave.
Twigz666 18
Damn, what exactly do you have that you need meds for? Were you hallucinating?
Daffodilly 14
Maybe OP has schizophrenia?
missalkali 8
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
more likely they're delusional
amandagrace94 11
If you have schizophrenia you have delusions.
dressedskeleton 10
Actually 38) delusions are fixed false beliefs- like someone believing without a doubt that they are the reincarnation of Jesus, or that aliens are trying to insert thoughts into their mind.. If OP's seeing celery as alien babies, it's more likely that she's hallucinating (sensory misperceptions). Oh and 44) not everyone who has schizophrenia is necessarily delusional. It's just one of the possible symptoms.
billypatterson 2
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
This is just stupid. Just another self-diagnosed teenager. There is NOT a mental illness that makes you hallucinate like that.
deadmoron1 1
114-Because "self diagnosed teens" get prescribed medication that actually helps with their "self diagnosis" right? You have no idea what you're talking about.
MissCharlotte_fml 26
Thank you, 116. And 114, there is an illness that causes delusions, it is called schizophrenia. I speak from experience that it causes you to believe things that are not real. And a medicine I was on (for schizophrenia) before took a while to work too, so before you go judging OP and calling her a "self diagnosed teen", think about it, asshole.
carbivore 10
There are I think 15 different types of schizophrenia. Hallucinations are a possible symptom, but the disease takes many forms.
RealZA_fml 20
Takes a creative mind to think a celery head is anything more than a celery head.
laurenlovesjb 20
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
What is wrong with you? I assume from when you said meds you have some sort of problem but... WTF??
cosmosis 12
Says the one who is obsessed with Justin Bieber...
samasara 20
Shut up LAUREN.
Linkerdoodles 15
Seriously shut the hell up both of you. I am no fan of Justin Bieber but making fun of her just because she is is getting really old.
samasara 20
33; I was saying shut up because she was saying wtf and acting very judgemental to op. i could care less about jb. Lol sorry girl.
MindFreakazoid 10
Seriously, 24? Seriously? Love and tolerate, friend.
LiesAndMischief 4
33 - If she's going to be callous to OP, she damn well better expect to be judged. How would you like to be asked, "WTF? What is wrong with you?" if YOU had some sort of condition that you couldn't control?
cosmosis 12
Yes 53. Im deadset serious. I will tolerate people to an extent. What i dont approve of along with many others are "callous" comments made towards someone with a disability or mental illness.
samasara 20
54 - That's exactly what I meant. Thank you!
MindFreakazoid 10
Ah, okay 77, now I see what you're getting at. I'm sorry.
KiddNYC1O 22
6- You just answered yourself!
racerapj 10
Mind-****!
kirby1964 20
Gee, what meds? They might help me get over the "Obama win" depression I find myself in today.
Pleonasm 36
It WAS the alien baby from Men In Black, just in its vegetative state.
Crankenstein_92 4
Wtf....
SnipeFatPeople 6
Exactly what do you need to take meds for...?
Jenn50 19
So that she doesn't think celery is an alien baby she should nurse back to health.