Today, I found a limp head of celery in the fridge. I thought it looked like the squid alien baby from Men in Black. After nursing it for a couple of hours, giving it food, and rocking it to sleep, my parents found me. Then I realised it was just celery. Too bad it took that long for my meds to kick in. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I finally got round to cleaning out my refrigerator. As I reached the back, I found an unidentifiable, moldy object lurking in the corner. Upon closer inspection, I realized it was once a cucumber. I'm growing science experiments in my fridge. FML
Today, my parents brought home lunch from a shady grocery store deli. They mused about how hard I am to feed because I turned it down; the last time I ate anything from there, it gave me botulism, and it tastes horrible anyway. They both got sick. Now I'm playing nurse to both. No apologies yet. FML
Today, while I was babysitting, the toddler was feeding me banana slices from her tray while I was cutting up clay for her to mold. It was all fine until she shoved something hard and crunchy into my mouth. I immediately spat it out into my hand. It was a dead cricket she found on the floor. FML
Today, what I thought was food poisoning is actually a baby. FML
Today, after a long day at work, I was ready to wind down for the night. I sat on my bed and turned towards a fluttering on my left. I saw the biggest daddy-longlegs inches from my face, jumped in the other direction, forgetting there was a wall, and hit my head on it. I'm now officially wide awake. FML
Today, I was awoken by a slug crawling down my back. FML
Today, I found a baby in a cradle on my doorstep. I was shocked that someone would do this, so I picked it up and uncovered the baby. It was actually a rudimentary stink bomb that went off in my face when I uncovered it. FML
Today, after having horrific constipation the day before, I finally got the rock hard turd out of my system. Things got awkward as I cried out in pain and my mom asked me what was wrong. Realizing the dining room and kitchen was nearby, I said "Never mind, it's gross!" I think she figured it out anyways. FML
Today, I was relaxing in my dark, silent living room when I started hearing creepy, repeated sounds. It took me a while to realize those were the chickpeas I had left to swell up overnight in a glass container on the kitchen counter. FML
Today, I was about to get in the shower, when I felt an odd itch in my navel. I saw what I thought was bellybutton lint, so I pulled on it, and quickly realized what I had between my fingers was a still-squirming, headless tick. FML
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Top comments
SakataGintoki 9
Dafuq did I just read?
Pleonasm 36
It WAS the alien baby from Men In Black, just in its vegetative state.
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Comments (137)
charvisioku 22
Fun times...
JustKittyKat 24
I love how you'd care for an alien baby, instead of freaking out and killing it. I would like to be your friend. :)
supportcommand 17
Meds aren't the answer for you. What you need is a nice, quiet, padded room.
samasara 20
Why is this comment thumbed down? It's hilarious..
supportcommand 17
When I'm not getting thumbed down I'm being moderated. My sense of humor doesn't float we'll here.
lambda_fml 40
So I presume you take some sort if anti-depresents. Should have opted for the orgasms.
allie2590 31
Nice try, but no cigar.
DataWog 30
Now, if she had said this happened *after* her meds, you would sound a little less stupid on account of the fact you could have assumed that the meds messed with her brain. I have been on antidepressants for over 5 years and severely depressed for over 10, and not only have I never had a single hallucination in my entire life, but neither have any of the people I know who are depressed or take antidepressants. Nor has my psychiatrist warned me about the possibility of hallucinations, or asked me if I get them. Nor have I ever even heard of such an incident without an underlying (non-depression related) mental illness. Basically, 20, your post just made you look retarded.
nrelavender 10
96 - number 20 is referring to an FML posted recently, about the op having to decide whether or not to take anti-depressants that will take away their ability to ******.
Enslaved 38
"The Galaxy Is on Orion's Belt". That squid baby was actually super cute in that movie!(:
rivaraven 35
That's sad..
Amezy 9
O.O
oomph_fml 25
At first I thought this was more of a YDI until I read meds. I'm just going to assume Schizophrenia like everyone else, so I'm sorry that you have to deal with that, OP.
Fmlsea 28
somehow i don't think your meds are working :S
Hiimhaileypotter 53
They hadn't kicked in yet. When they did kick in, they worked.
SumoGodzilla 1
Well, when you have ADHD... A lot of stuff isn't normal or the same until you take your meds...
kalbrek009 20
32, ADHD doesn't make you see things as something else. It means you have trouble with your attention span & hyperactivity...I know hallucinations and "nursing" produce fall FAR lower than ADHD on the mental illness scale.
Ihatecupcakes17 0
Um, NO. Why do all these people think it is ADD or ADHD? I hve add and the only thing is a hard time concentrating. My bro has ADHD and is really hyper with his meds. Srsly guys, pls know what you are talking about. Thats embrassing