Today, I found a limp head of celery in the fridge. I thought it looked like the squid alien baby from Men in Black. After nursing it for a couple of hours, giving it food, and rocking it to sleep, my parents found me. Then I realised it was just celery. Too bad it took that long for my meds to kick in. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I finally got round to cleaning out my refrigerator. As I reached the back, I found an unidentifiable, moldy object lurking in the corner. Upon closer inspection, I realized it was once a cucumber. I'm growing science experiments in my fridge. FML
Today, my parents brought home lunch from a shady grocery store deli. They mused about how hard I am to feed because I turned it down; the last time I ate anything from there, it gave me botulism, and it tastes horrible anyway. They both got sick. Now I'm playing nurse to both. No apologies yet. FML
Today, while I was babysitting, the toddler was feeding me banana slices from her tray while I was cutting up clay for her to mold. It was all fine until she shoved something hard and crunchy into my mouth. I immediately spat it out into my hand. It was a dead cricket she found on the floor. FML
Today, what I thought was food poisoning is actually a baby. FML
Today, after a long day at work, I was ready to wind down for the night. I sat on my bed and turned towards a fluttering on my left. I saw the biggest daddy-longlegs inches from my face, jumped in the other direction, forgetting there was a wall, and hit my head on it. I'm now officially wide awake. FML
Today, I was awoken by a slug crawling down my back. FML
Today, I found a baby in a cradle on my doorstep. I was shocked that someone would do this, so I picked it up and uncovered the baby. It was actually a rudimentary stink bomb that went off in my face when I uncovered it. FML
Today, after having horrific constipation the day before, I finally got the rock hard turd out of my system. Things got awkward as I cried out in pain and my mom asked me what was wrong. Realizing the dining room and kitchen was nearby, I said "Never mind, it's gross!" I think she figured it out anyways. FML
Today, I was relaxing in my dark, silent living room when I started hearing creepy, repeated sounds. It took me a while to realize those were the chickpeas I had left to swell up overnight in a glass container on the kitchen counter. FML
Today, I was about to get in the shower, when I felt an odd itch in my navel. I saw what I thought was bellybutton lint, so I pulled on it, and quickly realized what I had between my fingers was a still-squirming, headless tick. FML
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Top comments
SakataGintoki 9
Dafuq did I just read?
Pleonasm 36
It WAS the alien baby from Men In Black, just in its vegetative state.
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Comments (137)
Trainzboy 4
Without meds. Some of the best time spent in our lives.
simonepedretti 7
how do you feed a head of lettuce..? and how did you know it fell asleep..?
Momo_Moonlight 25
What did you say your condition was?
queeennnale 18
What the hell
MissCharlotte_fml 26
Me too. I have had something similar happen to me. I was convinced my couch was alive and talking to me.
BeautyBaby099 18
She's probably schizophrenic or something
sdroze1389 31
your my new favorite person. marry me.
Xeebar 28
LOL!! That's so cute in a weird sort of way.
kat0525 13
the hell did I just read through my head ?
Tyrax 16
I would totally hang out with you. At least you had fun until the meds kicked in.