Today, my mom shoved a document for me to sign. It's pretty much my will, leaving everything to her boyfriend/fiancé's 11 year-old son, who is a bratty hell spawn of Satan. Before I could say anything, she said not to bother leaving anything to my adopted daughter, because she said if I die, she's going with me. FML
Today, after playing numerous games of poker against my friend, and him telling me that I'm the best poker player he's ever met, I went out and played for real money. I got totally destroyed, lost all of my money, and was laughed out of the building. FML
Today, I found out the only reason my parents want me to live with them is because of the tax refund. FML
Today, I sent an angry email to a client who has been ghosting us for weeks. I ended it with, “Frankly, your lack of communication is unacceptable.” Five minutes later, I got an angry text message, saying, “Hi, I’m currently in the hospital recovering from surgery. I’ll respond as soon as I’m able, so take a Xanax.” FML
Today, I spent like $120 on Mother’s Day flowers and a big bundle of balloons for my wife. On the way to the car, the balloons detached from the string and floated away. FML
Today, thanks to that goddamn Trump, my business is going under. All the guys I count on to do jobs have dipped, and hiring new ones will force me to hike my prices through the roof. I'm going to have to cancel three contracts and might get sued. FML
Today, I tried to log in to my bank account but couldn’t remember the password. I clicked "Forgot Password?" and it asked me for the security question: “What is your pet’s name?” I've had several pets since I created the account, and forgot where I had updated it. Now I’m locked out of my bank account, with no idea who I am anymore. FML
Today, my mom called me a bastard because I asked for the Target gift card my dad had given to me. FML
Today, after I just finished a 16-hour double shift, my brother asked me to ride with him to do an Instacart. While delivering these people’s groceries, his car overheated and oil light came on. He had no money, so I had to fix and pay for the parts. FML
Today, I found out the unionized cleaning people that empty the garbage and clean the toilets make $19/hr and have more paid time off than I do with my college degree. FML
Today, my car was broken into, and they stole all my CDs, but left my daughter's Black Eyed Peas CD behind. I'm pretty pissed about the theft, but almost glad to see that the delinquents in my town have a decent taste in music. FML
Today, running late for work, I ran outside and the door handle literally broke off my vehicle when I pulled to open it. I climbed in through the passenger door, turned on my car, and the windshield wipers were on… swiping a fresh $78 parking ticket across my windshield. FML
Today, I found out where my stolen car was. It was all the way in Maine. I live in Ohio and I got a $300 fine for illegal parking. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she got a hefty bonus at work and will pay off my credit card debt. I was gonna break up with her because I’d been working on resolving things with my ex-girlfriend. FML
Today, I argued with my roommate about which eggs to buy: organic, pasture-raised, free-range, or AI-verified climate-positive. We settled on whatever was cheapest. They were $9. FML
Today, marks two years since me and my boyfriend refused to apply for jobs because we wanted to “pursue our dreams.” We are currently unemployed and frustrated, while our friends make six figures. FML
Today, I filed my taxes and I normally claim my parents as dependants. My taxes got rejected because my parents filed their taxes without informing me, and they don't have income. They believe if they file taxes, they get $5000 back, per Trump. It ended up costing me over $3,500 extra. FML
Today, after I got a second job to help cover rent, my landlord just raised it anyway “because the neighborhood is up-and-coming.” There’s still a pothole the size of a kiddie pool in front of my building. FML
Today, my visiting cousin was driving me to pick-up and pay for my wedding cake at the bakery. The cops pulled him over for speeding and as it turns out his license was expired. I ended up having to use my wedding cake money to bail him out of jail. FML
Today, after I finally got health insurance through my job, I had a minor injury leading to me discovering that my deductible is so high, I’d have to be struck by a meteor to get anything covered. FML
Today, I spotted a $100 bill on the ground. Being a little strapped for cash, I excitedly picked it up. I discovered it was one of those religious tract papers made to look like a folded bill, with a message scolding me for being greedy. FML
Today, it's been months that my mom has owed me $174, and every time I ask she tells me she's too poor to pay me back. Girly bought an entire 180k dollar farm with my grandparents the day after I asked (also the money was used for gas, and she guilt tripped me into giving it to her). FML
Today, I finally got insurance after months of paperwork, and so I went to the doctor. I was billed $873 for a "consultation" that pretty much consisted of being weighed and told to "Google it." FML
Today, I went to a self-checkout kiosk and it asked if I wanted to tip. For what? Watching myself scan groceries? I still ended up tipping 10% because I panicked. FML
Today, after saving for years, I was finally ready to buy a home. I found a decent place. I put in an offer. A hedge fund bought it 7 minutes later, for cash. FML
Today, on the advice of a girl from sales, I sent a company-wide email with the subject line, "FOR SALE - 2010 Toyota Camry." I realized the social faux pas a minute later when my department head replied-to-all, "FOR SALE - half eaten sandwich." Now everyone thinks I’m a dumbass for confusing company emails for Craigslist, and for believing anyone who works in sales. FML
Today, I bought grapes. Just grapes. At the checkout, the total was $14. I laughed. The cashier didn’t. Now I'll be eating one grape a day like it's caviar. FML
Today, it was the girl of my dreams' birthday. She already knows I am totally in love with her. So for her birthday I decided to buy her a $60 dollar bottle of rum for her and her friends to have fun with. She picked it up from my house with her new boyfriend waiting in the car. FML
Today, I ordered a pizza for delivery after a long day. When the delivery guy showed up, I realized I had no cash, so I tried to pay him using my credit card. Unfortunately, I couldn’t remember the PIN, and after three failed attempts, the delivery guy just stared at me in awkward silence and said, "It’s okay, I’ll just take the pizza back." FML
Today, I went to buy groceries and got hit with a wave of nostalgia… not because of the products, but because I remember when a carton of eggs didn’t cost as much, if not more, than a gallon of gas. FML
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