Today, I went to the emergency room. A medicine I'm on for my nerve disease is causing me to have stomach pains. If I get off the medicine though, the nerve disease can get worse. If I stay on the medicine, I can continue to have stomach pains and vomit. FML
Today, I learned that a innie belly button does not clean itself. I can't begin to describe the horrors I found, after using tweezers to get thirty years worth of "contents" out from inside me. FML
Today, after years of being an avid knitter and typing for a living, I got carpal tunnel syndrome… from my wrists flopping around too much while I'm driving. I live half an hour away from the nearest city. FML
Today, as usual, without fail, every time I wake up earlier than 10 AM, I vomit blood. No doctor can figure out why, and my parents think I'm lying, spoiled little princess who just wants to be lazy and sleep in every day. If I don’t wake up at 6 AM every day from now on, I’m grounded. FML
Today, our daughter was diagnosed with hypodontia, which means half her adult teeth never formed, so when she loses baby teeth, no adult teeth exist to replace them. This is going to cost a fortune since she’s either gonna need dentures or multiple surgeries to insert artificial teeth. FML
Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML
Today, someone who lives off the government stated that all I do as a front line nurse is wipe arses, and that I know nothing about Covid because I'm not a doctor. He refuses to get the vaccine as well. FML
Today, as the kind person that I am, I let my friend use the washroom before me while I watched our shopping cart. I then found out that the stores closes the washroom at 5 pm, and since I didn’t know, I ended up walking 25 minutes to a gas station in the rain to use one. FML
Today, my sister had a C-section to deliver her premature second child. She's also in ICU with a blood oxygen level of 60% because "vaccines are dangerous". We don't know if she will make it out of the hospital or, if she does, how much damage will be caused from the long-term hypoxia. FML
Today, my acne was so bad I got carded for a pack of lighters. I'm 30. FML
Today, my girlfriend has yelled at me multiple times for saying sorry too much. It's involuntary, due to me constantly being told I never do anything right growing up by my parents. She knows this, and is even then one who helped me realize this, and still yells at me for it. FML
Today, my wife told me to stop talking about my depression, in case the neighbours hear and think she’s a bad wife for not being able to keep me happy. FML
Today, I work at a doggy day care. Employees are not allowed to leave the dogs unsupervised for any reason. So while I was alone in a yard, my stomach decided that it would be the perfect time to empty itself. Because I didn’t want to lose my job, I puked in front of everyone. FML
Today, it’s late and I’m so tired, I’m not even able to read a book anymore, or walk around without bumping into things. Yet apparently, my brain still doesn't consider this a sign that we should fall asleep. FML
Today, I reached to pick out a booger stuck in my nose that had been irritating me, and ended up poking myself in the eye. FML
Today, my body can do wondrous things, like turn bread into blubber, produce pimples and wrinkles on top of each other, but still hasn't mastered the basic principles: using sleep for recharging and turning food into energy. FML
Today, I’d been bi-curious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch-searing yeast infection from hell. FML
Today, I asked my family not to disturb me while I slept, as I had hit over 72 hours of insomnia. My family must have heard me say, “Come in every 20 minutes and wake me up with whatever banal shit you can think of.” I gave up when my mother-in-law decided to enter my room and start vacuuming the floor. FML
Today, due to increasing frequency and severity of hypoglycemic symptoms, I went to the doctor. Apparently, the pill may have given me a rare form of temporary diabetes. She wants me to be a case study for the next 12 months. FML
Today, we all know how terrible those long, silent farts can be, right? Especially when they’re coming from your expensive, self-inflating air mattress, and you’re just about the farthest distance from home on a bikepacking trip. FML
Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML
Today, I learned the horrifying implications of my memory not being what it used to be when I bought a tasty-looking chocolate bar, only to realize upon taking a bite that I'd bought one before and not liked it one bit. FML
Today, it was safe to say I started sleepwalking again, after I woke up with a mouth filled with soil and a ravaged plant. FML
Today, I picked up my online grocery order. The clerk asked about the party, because he assumed I was having one because of all the ice cream I'd ordered. I'm bulimic and everything was for me. FML
Today, I had dinner with my aunt and uncle recently. Halfway through, my uncle says, “This gravy tastes weird, does it taste OK to you? Oh sorry babe, I forgot you haven’t been able to smell or taste anything lately.” Well, into quarantine I go… FML
Today, I reached for my lip balm while laying in bed in the dark. I accidentally knocked my bedside lamp, and it fell on my hand and shattered. A huge glass fragment impaled my hand. I just got out of surgery. FML
Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML
Today, I was using the restroom at school. What I thought was going to be just peeing turned into a humongous fart that echoed in the toilet bowl. Already embarrassed, I opened the door to leave. Two girls, who obviously heard, were giggling and saying, “It’s always the fat bitches.” FML
Today, I had a heat rash on my crotch. I asked my mom for cortisone cream. While I was putting it on, it suddenly started burning. It turns out she gave me arthritis cream. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were making out when I asked him to go brush his teeth, since his breath stank. He went back to playing video games. FML
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