Today, a cute guy who works in my building said, “Wow! You look hot.” I blushed and replied, “Oh thanks!” He then said, “Oh, no. I meant you look sweaty. Is it hot outside?” FML
Today, my boyfriend is 34 years-old. We’ve been together for 5 years. He refuses to propose to me because “marriage is expensive” and “kids drain your wallet.” That would be understandable if he hasn’t spent the majority of his paychecks on March Madness. FML
Today, I have a bad case of diarrhea. The worst part isn’t even sharting in bed while sleeping naked. It’s the severe asshole pain from having to wipe my ass twenty times in twelve hours. FML
Today, for the 50,000th time, I was told that something I said was offensive and triggering to my LGBTQ+-friendly Discord server mod, who frequently tells me that, as a "cis hetero Christian male", I don't know what I'm talking about. I was trying to be supportive of everyone, but I was wrong because *I* said it. FML
Today, I went to a restaurant for a second date. As we were eating, a piece of food got stuck in my teeth. I tried to discreetly remove it, but ended up spitting it across the table and onto my date's glasses. FML
Today, I'm dog-sitting. To give the pooches some exercise, I took them on a long walk through the fields, where they run, play, and sniff around to their hearts’ content. Thirty seconds after coming back home, one of them made a ginormous puddle right on my living room floor. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 8 months dumped me over the phone in between telling the Subway employees what he wanted on his sandwich. FML
Today, I woke up to a flooded apartment. Apparently, the upstairs neighbor's bathtub had overflowed and water was pouring through my ceiling. My landlord said he couldn't do anything until the water stopped, so I spent the morning frantically trying to mop up the water while feeling completely helpless. FML
Today, I was offered the job of my dreams until the recruiters had gone through my Twitter account and had seen tweets of me calling another girl a “bitch” and a racial slur during an argument. They rescinded the offer and I’d already quit my last job. FML
Today, I was in a meeting with my boss and a few coworkers when my stomach started growling. It was nearly lunchtime and I guess I was hungry. I tried to play it off like it was just a passing rumble, but it wouldn't stop. Eventually, my boss asked if I needed to use the restroom. FML
Today, I was in a meeting with my boss and some new clients when I sensed that I was about to sneeze. I tried to hold it in, but ended up sneezing AND farting. FML
Today, I realized the odd smell I've been trying to get out of the house is actually coming from me. FML
Today, I realized i'm practically incapable of actually getting a job. I'm 19 years-old, with no workforce experience, I frequently apply to jobs and regularly follow up with them on a consistent basis, yet they still ghost or reject me outright. These are minimum wage, starter-level jobs. FML
Today, I woke up with a bad headache yet again. I've tried changing pillows, mattresses, lifestyle changes, gotten massages, been to different doctors, gotten MRIs, been to a chiropractor and theaphysio. The only thing that worked was the physio, but my circumstances changed and I can no longer afford it. FML
Today, I got up early to make a surprise breakfast in bed for my partner. As I was carrying the tray into the bedroom, I tripped and spilled the hot coffee all over them. We ended up in the emergency room so they could take a look at the burns I caused. FML
Today, I was in a rush to get to work and forgot to put on deodorant. I didn't realize until my coworker told me I smelled like a gym sock. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend I've been a vegetarian for 6 years. Hearing this, my mom said, "No, you're not. I fry your mushrooms and onions in bacon grease." With this new information, I've been a vegetarian for about 76 hours. FML
Today, I made my way to a bar for a first date with a guy I had been talking to online. It turned out he was actually my ex-boyfriend in disguise, trying to get revenge for dumping him. FML
Today, my little sister used scissors she got from school to cut my hair in the middle of the night while I was asleep. Now it looks like someone went at my hair with a chainsaw, and my school's dress code doesn't allow me to wear a hat or anything else to cover it up. FML
Today, I went to the gym to try out a new workout class. Halfway through, I realized I was in the wrong room and had accidentally joined a dance class. FML
Today a big-ass hawk swooped down and carried off my daughter’s dog. FML
Today, my fiancé and I planned a romantic movie night. Champagne, popcorn, romantic comedy. Then his friend decided to show up and they've been talking about first generation Pokémon ever since. FML
Today, I tried to bake a cake for my friend's birthday. It turned out looking more like a science experiment gone wrong than a cake. FML
Today, I finally had some alone time to relax and watch a movie. As soon as I pressed play, my neighbor started blasting their music so loud I could feel the bass in my chest. I tried calling the landlord, but they didn't answer. I ended up watching the movie with subtitles while listening to my neighbor's music. FML
Today, I was on a plane when I had to use the bathroom. While pulling up my pants, the flush button got stuck and the water kept running. I tried to fix it, but ended up flooding the bathroom and the aisle. The attendants had to give me a towel and escort me back to my seat with everyone on the plane staring at me. FML
Today, I had a walk-in: a tiny tick, crawling through my bathroom window, looking down at me in the shower, wondering whether I might be tasty. The window was closed, by the way. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend to stop her preschooler from playing in the kitchen when I'm cooking dinner. She bitched about how I'm "controlling and micromanaging". As she did so, he put his hands on the hot oven and screamed in pain. She then shrieked that it was my fault he hurt himself. FML
Today, after suggesting to my daughter for a while that she should try out for a cheerleading team to become more confident, she went to tryouts. She didn't make the team and she's spent the last six hours in her room crying. FML
Today, since I last did laundry, most of my clothes seem to have disappeared. This better be a horrible prank, and if it is, it better be the funniest shit ever - because I'm seriously ticked off right now. Not to mention confused. FML
Today, I was on a date with a guy and we decided to go see a movie. As we were walking in, I saw my ex-boyfriend with his new girlfriend. I tried to avoid them, but my left heel got caught in a crack in the pavement and I fell face-first onto the ground. My ex and his girlfriend saw me, laughed, and walked off. FML
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