Today, after softball practice, I could not find my car keys. Emptied my bag completely, no keys. Called a locksmith but he never showed up. Walked across the street to ask the fire department if they could help. After they got into my car, I found them. In my bag. Caught in my scorebook. The fireman just laughed. FML
Today, after weeks of being engaged and with the wedding date planned, I finally told my parents. They told me it was my best April Fool's joke ever. I should've waited one more day. FML
Today, my cat started screaming nonstop outside my bedroom. She's never done this since she was last in heat (she's 7 1/2 years old), so I was worried. I opened the door to find that she had "killed' a mouse (a fake one, formerly attached to her cat tree) and was very proud of herself. That's cute, but… really? FML
Today, I woke up, made breakfast for myself, and read all the notifications on my smartphone. The first one was about an accidental death at work, and that all maintenance workers are suspects. I work in maintenance, and it's not my section where the accident happened. RIP. FML
Today, my husband turned down a six figure job offer because he thinks it will be too difficult to learn to speak German. German is my native language, he already speaks some German from being married to me for 16 years, but somehow becoming fully fluent isn’t worth 6 figures to him. FML
Today, after I spent the last year working overtime to prove myself at my tech job, I got an email saying I was laid off due to “strategic restructuring.” My boss posted a vacation picture right after. FML
Today, after church, my 5-year-old son asked me about God, so I answered his questions in full. We talked about God for over 2 hours. At the end of it all, he pondered for a moment, before saying to me, "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. You're dumb." FML
Today, my husband spoke enthusiastically about his day to my sister-in-law, who doesn't care about us or our family, and who I hate due to it. While I've been trying to get him to talk, ask him questions, and share about his day for years now, the most response I get is, "Leave me alone with my coffee" or literal snores. FML
Today, when our boss told us he was giving himself the same raise as everyone else was getting, we thought he was finally being a decent human being. Nope. He meant it literally. His raise to himself is the same amount as the other 12 employees' raises combined. His raise is 12x what ours is. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend that I was afraid our future children would be fat and ugly. He reassured me, saying that he was sure our spawn would take on after him. FML
Today, I woke up to find "GO HOME N***AS" written on my house. After filing a police report, crying with fear, and looking into the fastest way to sell my house, my 14 year-old daughter let it slip that she wrote it to "get popular." FML
Today, I poured out a glass of apple juice to drink. I threw out a beer can from earlier, and my mom thought I was drinking alcohol, not juice. She scolded me, until I made her physically taste the juice. FML
Today, I finally got a raise after years of hard work! Excited, I went on a shopping spree, but as I checked the latest prices, it turns out that my extra income barely covers the increase in my grocery bill. Thanks, inflation. FML
Today, I found out my credit card was maxed out to the penny, all thanks to purchases made on an online wine store. Apparently my mother was thirsty enough to steal from her own son. FML
Today, I woke up to dozens of messages from friends and family, all asking about a video of me saying something awful. It wasn’t me. It was AI. But try explaining that to my grandma. FML
Today, I got broken up with yet again by my on-and-off ex-girlfriend. I had ended things with an amazing girl I was seeing just to go back to my ex. She'd made it clear that if things went wrong with my ex, I wasn't allowed to pursue her again. I tried to hit her up again anyway, but she told me to “take a short walk off a pier.” FML
Today, it was my last day at my current job after a year and a half and the end of my contract. I brought snacks and a gift for the office. Nobody even bothered to come say goodbye. FML
Today, it was my little girl's birthday and her grandparents came over to celebrate. One of the presents from her grandparents turned out to be a sweater. She then asked, "Mommy, may I please lie?" When I shook my head no, she exclaimed, "I hate this ugly sweater!" FML
Today, I asked my wife for a kiss. She snarled, "I'm your WIFE, just fucking kiss me! You don't have to ask!" Later, I went in for a kiss and she slapped me, then yelled that it was my fault for "getting in her face." FML
Today, and for the past month, my younger sibling has been having suicidal thoughts. This is causing our parents to put them on a pedestal and treat them like a princess. They’ve made me give them my money to get themselves treats and they don’t even get what they say they’re going to get. FML
Today, I had to comfort my husband after he had a dream in which both his parents died. He was really upset. Both my parents are dead… in real life. FML
Today, I got back home after I decided on a whim to embark on a solo adventure in the Australian Outback. My truck got stranded due to rising floodwaters, and I was stuck for days without communication. Rescue finally came, but now I'm reconsidering any solo further trips. FML
Today, I was complimented on my freckles. I don't actually have freckles, just a load of blackheads that won't go away. FML
Today, while trying to pick up dog poo, I tripped and landed in the pile. FML
Today, I was starting a new job. I got up early, showered, did my hair, put on my uniform, had a good cry because I was scared/excited that I was starting a future where I will be financially free for the first time. Then my boss texted me because one of his back of house employees is sick and he can’t train me until tomorrow. FML
Today, an arm fell off my only glasses. Problem is I can’t fix it, since I can barely see without actually wearing them. Tomorrow, I’ll be getting around with one-armed glasses until I find someone who isn’t half blind and can tighten a tiny screw. FML
Today, my boyfriend went to get coffee with a friend. As a joke, I texted him to ask how his date with his other girlfriend was going. It really was a date, and apparently it went very well. FML
Today, my kids refused to wake up on time, and I was at least 30-45 minutes late to work. Oh, and I forgot to bring my coffee to work. The travel thermos is still sitting on the kitchen counter. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. When I arrived, the guy looked nothing like his profile picture. We started chatting, and things were going fine until he asked, “So, what do you think about my date?” I replied, “Uh, I think it’s going well!” He responded, “I was talking about the waitress. I’m married.” FML
Today, I told my girlfriend that my ex is pregnant, but not to worry because it’s not mine. That’s how I inadvertently told her I’ve been cheating on her with my ex. FML
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