Today, while at a funeral for a distant family member, I was giving my condolences to the family. When one of them asked how I was doing, I replied with, "I'm still alive!", which is one of my standard responses due to being a cashier and being asked that question a hundred times a day. FML
Merith2004 tells us more.
Merith2004 17
hey everyone. thanks for being understanding for the most part. this was just one of the "I wasnt thinking" kind of things. dont worry though: I got several slaps on the back of then head from cousins who were in earshot.
Today, my boyfriend decided the best way to inform me of his shoplifting tendencies was to steal stuff while we were at Starbucks. FML
Today, my girlfriend of three weeks basically threatened to kill herself if I don't start thinking about having a child with her soon. FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me a teddy bear. I thought it was a sweet thing to do, until I saw him open a slit in its back while visiting later in the day and removing a bag of weed. He gave me a teddy bear just so he could smuggle drugs past my parents. FML
Today, I dreamed that Robert Downey Jr. kept flirting with me and asking me out. Each time, I refused him, because I'm taken. When I proudly told my boyfriend, he said, "What the hell? I could've kissed the mouth that kissed the Iron Man!" FML
Today, after months of looking at cribs and picking out the perfect one for my unborn daughter, the store informed me that they no longer make that crib, even though the model is right there on the sales floor. I had to leave as my hormones got the best of me and I started bawling. FML
pinknicki87 tells us more.
Today, after years of insomnia and going to doctors to help get a regular sleeping pattern, I finally fell asleep without the help of medication, only to dream about being chased by an angry seal and singing to Rihanna with a horse. This is probably why I don't sleep. FML
Today, I'm moving out of the house. My little sister can't wait and I've never seen my dad so happy. FML
Today, as usual, I stress ate. After having my exams prolonged for an extra week, I ate three extremely large packs of Skittles, and then threw them all up. Taste the rainbow, puke the rainbow. FML
Today, I asked my sister what she thought of my boyfriend. She said, "He's nice. Deserves better than you, really." FML
Today, I was bitched out at 2 a.m. by my parents, for trying to "sneak out." I was sneaking out of my bedroom to take a crap. FML
Today, I was singing in the shower but couldn't hit the higher notes. My wife complained and 2 minutes later she ran a tap causing my shower to go freezing. I shrieked. My wife said my pitch was still wrong. FML
Today, the highlight of my day was when I figured out that my little brother's toy dump truck could actually dump stuff out. I'm 18. FML
Today, I finally received the last check from my insurance company after my house flooded 10 months ago. Tonight my house flooded again. FML
itwasalongnight tells us more.
OP here. First of all: Yay! It got published! Second to those who say I deserve it or should move: I own my condo, so not able to move at this point. I do not live in a flood zone or swamp. Both floods have been sewage backups from blockages at least 150 feet from my condo. The one 10 months ago happened while I was at work--that was a disaster. This time my neighbors flooded (badly) on both sides. Water from one neighbor came under our shared wall. Not too bad this time and I was able to get the clean out cap off outside right away so it flowed into my backyard instead of my house. Truly an awful experience to be sure. I thank my lucky stars that I opted to cancel my plans and stay home and watch a movie... Otherwise it would have been at least as bad as last time. I'll admit... I'm afraid to put that clean clean out cap back on!
Today, I invited my best friend to sleep on my couch while he looks for a new place. He walked inside, dropped his stuff on the floor and asked me my policy on hookers. I laughed it off as a joke. Half an hour later my doorbell rang. He took my laughter as a yes. FML
Today, my mom announced to everyone that she wants at least ten grandchildren. I'm an only child. FML
juice723 tells us more.
juice723 9
So yeah I've seen some comments asking for a follow up... I'm a girl. my mom has always said that her greatest regret was not having more children herself, but she's, you know, going through menopause... So I think wanting a lot of grandchildren is her way of making up for that. She has also clarified that she will be happy with four grandchildren, which is what I want to have. It was just wishful thinking that she could have that many grandchildren to help raise. Sorry if this long comment is confusing, but I hope it helps to clear things up!
Today, while in the prison I work at, I came down with severe digestion issues. Master control probably laughed as they watched me wait at the security gates in a cold sweat, squeezing my ass-cheeks together like an inmate smuggling contraband. FML
TwistedCherub1 tells us more.
To answer a few questions: 1. I did make it to the bathroom. 2. Cameras are everywhere in a prison, see from all angles, and have incredible resolution. 3. From my post I have to go through a door which requires pushing a button, identifying myself to master control and waiting for them to release the lock. Then two crash gates where the operator can see me through the glass, then two more doors like the first. That's if I'm in the D-space and not the day room doing rounds, which would involve two more doors. No two doors in any corridor can be open at the same time, so I have to wait for each to close before the next can open.
Today, my team suffered a humiliating loss against our biggest rivals. My family was pretty supportive, though, but only because they'd taken bets against me from the start. FML
Today, my Axe shampoo, body wash, and deodorant finally did their job: they got a girl to notice me. Too bad the girl was my grandma. FML
Today, for our anniversary, I sang my boyfriend a heartfelt, self-written song. The first thing he said when I finished was "Your fly is open." FML
Today, I've been without hot water for three days thanks to a frozen water line. I finally managed to thaw the frozen area, only to have the chunk of ice dislodge, slam into a bend in the pipe, and burst the line. FML
Today, my evening was shot to hell when I found my pregnant wife on the floor, sobbing because we'd run out of cheese sticks. FML
Today, I had to wake up at 4am because my boss set an important business meeting for first thing in the morning. After making sure everything was ready, I went to work. My boss ended up oversleeping and moved the meeting to tomorrow. FML
Today, I finally finished making my daughter's wedding cake. When I checked on it later, I found a large slice had been cut out. I soon found out that my husband had instagrammed himself eating it, with the caption "#guiltypleasures". FML
Today, I had an upset stomach all day at work. When lunch break came, I rushed to the bathroom. Just as I turned into an unstoppable human whoopie cushion, a co-worker walked in. He heard the entire arse symphony, and just asked, "What the fuck, dude?!" as he left. FML
Today, I was taking a leisurely stroll through the woods in the nice cool weather, when a mountain biker came out of nowhere and tore past, barely missing me. As I counted my luck, another biker followed the first and crashed right into me. FML
Today, while playing badminton at school, I got an opponent who is mentally handicapped. Since I'm terrible at the game, I guess the teacher assumed it would be a good match. I won the match, my first victory ever. My teacher accused me of cheating to humiliate him. FML
Today, I was sitting on the couch, watching The Avengers with my 4-year-old daughter, who loves the Hulk. When Hulk finally showed up, she excitedly looked at me and screamed, "Hulk Smash" before slamming both of her fists into my balls. FML
Today, it's my 8 year anniversary. My boyfriend's "romantic" gesture for the occasion was to toss a few McDonald's coupons at me and tell me to get whatever I wanted. FML
Today, I woke up with a skull-splitting headache. I braved the wind and freezing temperatures to get to work. Today is also the day my boss thought it would be cute to let the elementary school band play at our office. FML
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