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Cartoons ruining the kids

By sally - 04/11/2018 12:00

Today, my son watched some ridiculous Japanese cartoon about shokugeki cooking and is convinced he's the greatest cook ever by copying what happens in the show. He set fire to my frying pan, panicked, and dumped it in the ceramic sink, which cracked from the heat and flooded my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 143

You deserved it 367

By Dead Inside - 03/12/2018 07:30 - United States - Elkhart

Today, the family dog was in the garbage and wouldn't stop eating. He is a large dog, and I had to put my arms around him and pull him out of the trash can. Well, he bit me so hard I was bleeding. My whole family is siding with the dog and saying it was my fault for not letting him eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 984

You deserved it 414

By lonely - 11/01/2016 21:04 - United States - Twin Falls

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Whilst browsing the web, I clicked on an ad that said "How to Get Your Ex Back in a Day". Now I am single and have a computer virus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 284

You deserved it 22 627

Philosophical

By Too available to be sexy - 04/05/2019 20:00

Spicy

Today, during foreplay, my husband asked if I found him sexually attractive. When I asked him back, after a yes, he was silent for two minutes then went into a ten-minute philosophical discussion on the nature of attractiveness. He would find me more attractive if I wasn't his wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 715

You deserved it 332

By Anonymous - 16/12/2015 04:04 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my husband came home from a six-month business trip. When I saw him, I hugged and kissed him. My grandma started calling me a slutty whore, and told us we were a disgrace to our family, while trying to hit him with her cane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 613

You deserved it 1 630

By I'm so sorry... - 01/03/2017 16:00

Today, a coworker left a chocolate cake on the "free food" table in the office. I had a slice. She's just called to ask if she left her grandmother's birthday cake at work. She made it from scratch. Now I'm baking a new cake in the office kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 711

You deserved it 1 544

By Idiot on the bus - 25/03/2017 12:00

Today, I saw a beautiful girl on the bus. Struck up a good conversation, walked with her all the way to my office. Forgot to ask her name and number. This is the second time I've done this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 171

You deserved it 1 619

By Danicole927 - 28/12/2016 03:53 - United States - Trenton

Today, I had a job interview with a world-renowned forensic psychologist, and it fits my degree perfectly. He didn't want to hire me, but he'd like me to return as a patient. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 006

You deserved it 760

By Anonymous - 03/11/2015 17:54 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out that aside from being savagely overworked and treated like shit for zero pay, another one of my responsibilities as an intern is to take the blame for my boss accidentally posting a link to a porn site on the company's Twitter account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 253

You deserved it 1 832

By nightmare ass - 15/05/2019 06:11

Today, I let out the most vile, nose-melting dairy curdling fart of my life. The sound didn’t wake me up. But the nightmare I had from how rank smelling it was sure did. My own fart ruined my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 552

You deserved it 425

Congrats!

By AlwaysAfraid - 23/10/2015 22:33 - United States

Today, I received the honorary title of "Student of the Month," because I'm the only quiet kid during class. Truth is, I just have no friends. I was given an award for being socially awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 821

You deserved it 2 517

One more reason to quit

By SowhatshouldIdo - 16/05/2017 05:00 - Turkey - Istanbul

Today, I handed in my resignation letter after over three and a half years working at the company. My manager is angry with me, since we returned from an overseas business trip yesterday, and why didn't I inform her before the trip. She now wants me to pay all costs of trip before leaving the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 057

You deserved it 1 235

Cheesy delight

By blew it - 05/06/2019 02:00

Spicy

Today, I was going down on my boyfriend, only while I was down there I noticed he had an ungodly amount of dick cheese under his foreskin. He’s now mad at me for blueballing him, even though he’s clearly the one at fault for being a filthy pig. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 561

You deserved it 415

By alison89430 - 05/12/2016 22:35 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I went to see a movie with my parents. During a sex scene, my dad covered my eyes. I'm married and have 2 kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 998

You deserved it 988

Wanker!

By EmbarrassedBather - 09/06/2019 00:00

Spicy

Today, while I was showering, someone left a note on the bathroom door that read, "We can all hear you masturbating. Shut the hell up." I don't know what's more embarrassing, that everyone in my house thought I was masturbating or that I was actually singing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 091

You deserved it 391

Spooking cats

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, my cat got his head stuck in the handle of a plastic bag while snooping. Unfortunately, it was the bag I use to put his turds in after scooping them from the litter tray. With the bag trapped around his neck, he got spooked, then ran around the house, spreading turds from the bag as he fled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 143

You deserved it 573

By zachjm98 - 15/09/2015 10:31 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my teacher plugged the speakers into the wrong input on his computer, and said, "Oops, wrong hole", to which one of the students who often makes the same mistake said, "Story of my life". I understood it differently and started laughing. It would have been fine if the teacher wasn't her father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 814

You deserved it 3 648

zachjm98 tells us more.

zachjm98 16

Wednesday 16 September 2015 4:37

OP here!! Wow, thanks for the funny comments, guys! If I knew this would have gotten featured so quickly I would have made an account beforehand! Anyways, quick follow-up: This "class" of mine is actually a co-op program in music for songwriting/recording/touring which I'm doing a second time now. My teacher knows me well, the student in question is my best friend and her father found the incident to be quite funny actually. All is good!

By Darin Greenwood - 22/07/2019 14:00

Spicy

Today, the wife and I were in the middle of having sex. She was bent over and I was taking her to pound town. I look over to see my 3 year-old son standing in the doorway, humping air. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 402

You deserved it 2 516

Social skills

By Anonymous - 29/07/2019 18:00

Today, a really pretty girl came into my work, but when I went up to help her, my brain misfired and I accidentally said, "How can I hump you?" She yelled at me, and my manager put me on probation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 834

You deserved it 2 171

By Loser - 13/09/2016 12:10 - Germany - Neuburg

Today, following a 6-hour roundtrip after having lost both games from a baseball doubleheader, I was pleasantly surprised to see that my 4-year-old son was still up. After updating him on the day's results, he went off to bed with the words, "Good night, loser." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 938

You deserved it 1 251

By RhiannonMuh - 09/09/2016 20:01 - Germany - Starnberg

Today, I was on a date with a guy I really like. Everything went well, and then he wanted to kiss me. As he leaned towards me, I got slightly panicky and ducked out of the way, causing him to headbutt the car behind me. Now we know why I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 425

You deserved it 3 079

By Anonymous - 12/03/2012 04:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was shaving naked in my cold bathroom before showering. My wife walked up behind me, yelled "Shrinkage!" and flicked the head of my penis as hard as she could. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 088

You deserved it 4 690

Cheers!

By Catpiss - 03/01/2018 16:30 - United States - San Bernardino

Today, I finished filling the pages in my passport. Also today, my mom's cat urinated on my backpack, soaking my passport with rancid pee. I have visas that last 10 years and can't be moved to a new passport, so I have to keep this nostril-burning booklet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 236

You deserved it 647

Parents love

By Anonymous - 29/12/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my dad masturbating to a nude photo of my mum on the computer. She passed away four years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 675

You deserved it 1 105

By honeybunny90 - 28/12/2013 08:23 - United States - Richmond

Today, my dog has found a new game he likes. It involves him rolling around on my new bed sheets to build up static electricity and run and poke me with his nose so I get shocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 532

You deserved it 5 891

By Anonymous - 21/06/2018 19:00

Today, after months of trying for a baby and telling me how he wants a family and can't wait to have a kid with me, my boyfriend was relieved when I got a negative home test, saying he's not ready for kids yet. I took another test this morning. I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 118

You deserved it 622

By Annoyed - 11/05/2016 01:23 - United States - Panama City Beach

Today, one of my students stole my wallet. I teach kindergarten. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 481

You deserved it 1 236

By pissed off mother - 05/05/2016 17:55 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I was out shopping with my son and unbeknownst to me, he had secretly added a bunch of expensive games he wanted to the trolley. I was too embarrassed at the till to make a fuss as there was a huge line behind me. I watched as my normal £50 shopping bill climbed to over £400. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 158

You deserved it 21 087

By Anonymous - 03/05/2016 21:47 - United States - Eugene

Today, I got off work early to go home and surprise my girlfriend with lunch, only to come home to her in the middle of packing up all of her stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 961

You deserved it 1 290

By Dockin - 14/02/2019 15:37 - India

Spicy

Today, I slashed my ass open with a shard of glass. How? I was making out with my crush, and threw my glasses on the ground. I forgot about them when we decided to lie down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 268

You deserved it 38 077

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The Top

The Top

Today, my step-dad explained to me why he doesn't need to wash his body. He condescendingly said, "Well when you shampoo your hair, the soap runs down your body and cleans everything." He's 37 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 789

You deserved it 2 934

Today, while driving across country, my car broke down while in the middle of nowhere. I had it towed to a mechanic in the nearest town. While he fixed the car, I went to get lunch. The only restaurant in town was an old-fashioned drive-up diner. They wouldn't serve me because I wasn't in a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 486

You deserved it 2 744

Today, I went to the gym to try to get into shape. While I was running on the treadmill, my beer belly pushed against the emergency stop button, twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 523

You deserved it 5 580

Today, my brother looked me dead in the eyes and said his life goal is to find a way to jizz on everyone in the world. I'm scared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 611

You deserved it 5 613

Today, I realized that with all the money I've spent on repairs for my iPhone through the months, I could have bought a phone that doesn't die horribly whenever I so much as give it a mean look. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 699

You deserved it 26 147

Today, my boyfriend was in the shower, and I decided to go join him. I took all my clothes off and stepped into the bathroom. I slipped on some water, and ended up hitting my head on the toilet and passing out. When I came to, I saw my boyfriend's dad looking over me in his towel. Wrong person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 693

You deserved it 44 878