The Top

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By Tickdick - 24/03/2017 21:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I got out of the shower and noticed a tiny leaf on my penis. With legs. Squirming. I have a new nickname. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 337

You deserved it 563

The kindness of strangers

By Samprib - 01/06/2013 05:09 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I went to the pharmacy to buy condoms. My card was declined, and I had to stand and watch in morbid fascination as the man behind me kindly paid for my purchase. His reason was, "God forbid a maxed-out Visa should get in the way of fucking." FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 741

You deserved it 21 088

By shavednipples - 11/10/2015 17:59 - United States - Lake Forest

Today, my brother slapped me across the face with a piece of raw chicken for not liking his Instagram post. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 628

You deserved it 4 359

shavednipples tells us more.

shavednipples 22

Monday 12 October 2015 17:30

Hey y'all! Just to clarify, my brother is the same age as me (we're twins). When I told him I wasn't going to like his post (it was just a video of a fireworks show), he took a chicken breast and slapped me. We were preparing chicken for dinner that night, so it was already out and thawed. I did end up getting salmonella, however, I'm not sure if it was from the slap or from eating the chicken itself at dinner. Either way, it was shitty. Also, about my username, I use it for a lot of social media accounts and I've had this account for a while. I know if you don't have an account, you can choose a name to post it under and it usually has to do with the post, but that wasn't the case here. Cheers!!

By Anonymous - 08/12/2016 09:35

Today, it's been so long since my fiancé and I have had sex I now apparently have dreams about all-night unprotected screwing marathons with George Bush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 335

You deserved it 1 455

By porcelainleigh - 23/11/2016 19:41 - United States

Today, I got engaged. I called my mom and told her. "You didn't say yes, did you?" she said. Afterwards, I told my dad. "Uh, Congratulations. But, I have questions." Thanks guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 527

You deserved it 1 079

Don't do this

By Malcolm654 - 29/09/2016 03:20 - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 4 years in front of the sell-out crowd at the baseball game, but at the security checkpoint, the security guard made me take the ring out and open it after I walked through the metal detector. No need to say it, worst proposal ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 012

You deserved it 1 908

By Anonymous - 14/08/2019 00:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I was arrested for a crime that happened 27 years ago. I'm only 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 612

You deserved it 146

By Steve - 13/09/2017 04:30

Today, I helped my girlfriend pick out a pretty dress for a corporate event. It turns out the first use it was going to see was a date with her side dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 382

You deserved it 396

By frogdog563 - 01/09/2019 14:00

Today, my little sister asked what the noises were last night. It happened to be my dad and his girlfriend fooling around. I ended up telling her it was ghosts. Now I'm grounded by my dad who yelled at me for scaring her. I was trying to save his ass from a lot of questions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 814

You deserved it 389

Con Artist Kitty

By Tray - 25/09/2017 20:13

Today, I had just finished making myself an ice cream cone when my cat puked all over the floor. I set my cone on the counter while I cleaned up, and when I finished, my cat was licking it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 890

You deserved it 641

By Anonymous - 07/10/2017 19:00 - United Kingdom - Poole

Today, I was chilling with my boyfriend of 2 years when, out of the blue and with complete seriousness, he asked me if I want kids anytime soon. This wouldn't be odd if we weren't both 14 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 774

You deserved it 583

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 10/11/2019 20:00

Today, I asked the girl who has a crush on me if she was autistic. She replied without hesitation, "I can be whatever you want me to be." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 686

You deserved it 1 111

By Medfail - 20/06/2016 07:13 - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, at the age of 27, I learnt that your tonsils aren't the dangly bit at the back of your throat. I work in healthcare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 669

You deserved it 13 729

By confused_cashier - 12/06/2016 01:34 - United States - Herndon

Today, while working as a cashier at a fast food restaurant, a customer asked me how many chicken nuggets were in our 6 count chicken nuggets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 324

You deserved it 1 453

By Anonymous - 21/05/2018 15:00

Today, I found out I have a new allergy: the sun. My face is so swollen that it has started to bleed to relieve the pressure. Today is also day 6 of the 3-month European trip that I spent all year saving for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 415

You deserved it 335

Uncomfortable

By Vanessa8221 - 26/06/2018 14:30 - United States - Rockaway Park

Today, I gave a sexual harassment seminar, explaining how important it is to not do anything that makes coworkers uncomfortable. Someone joked, "Like telling you your fly is open?" I tried to zip up, but it got caught on my underwear. There were 20 minutes left in the program. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 984

You deserved it 667

By dead_painter - 04/05/2016 00:42 - United States - Arlington

Today, after spending hours of my time painting sets for the last two months - with less dedication than only the head painter herself, and to the point where my health and grades suffered - I finally got to see the play I worked so hard on. I was the only one they forgot to put in the playbill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 168

You deserved it 1 368

By omgwhyme - 08/01/2012 14:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me for a blow job. After I said "no" over ten times, he decided to get up and slap me across the face with his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 490

You deserved it 49 376

Oops.

By Marcilor001 - 10/08/2018 20:30

Today, I realized I have a weight problem. My brother excitedly showed me his new high-end scale and measured his weight, then our other brothers. I took one step on it and the screen read "E". It then shut off and hasn't turned on since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 703

You deserved it 738

By Anonymous - 15/04/2016 19:46 - United States - Bronx

Today, I got locked in my boyfriend's garage in my underwear while his parents ripped him a new one for having sex beneath their roof. His sister had to let me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 601

You deserved it 5 071

I'm never coming out of here

By hcditfi5foygy - 31/08/2018 20:30

Today, I went to my dorm's community bathroom to do my business. After releasing the Kraken, as I was wiping, I accidentally let go of the toilet paper. Instead of the toilet, it hit the floor in the next stall. Someone was in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 452

You deserved it 579

By Sick'o'bitches - 04/09/2018 03:30

Today, I spent my entire day off making a brisket. It had been cooking for 8 hours when, just before dinner, I went for a quick jog. In that time my girlfriend came home and ruined it by trying to make it the way she wanted. I'm a chef and she's an office worker. We couldn't eat it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 681

You deserved it 389

By Anonymous - 27/02/2016 07:27 - Japan - Ageo

Today, I was getting intimate with my husband, and I tried to do a swift position-change like they do in the movies. I wound up flipping off the bed and busting my nose open on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 824

You deserved it 5 515

By Anonymous - 16/02/2016 00:01 - United States

Today, I fractured two ribs from coughing. My doctor told me to stop coughing, or I would fracture them more. I have bronchitis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 254

You deserved it 1 268

Cartoons ruining the kids

By sally - 04/11/2018 12:00

Today, my son watched some ridiculous Japanese cartoon about shokugeki cooking and is convinced he's the greatest cook ever by copying what happens in the show. He set fire to my frying pan, panicked, and dumped it in the ceramic sink, which cracked from the heat and flooded my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 143

You deserved it 367

By Anonymous - 07/02/2016 06:11 - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, barely 2 hours into a 5 hour car ride home, my mom accidentally let slip that she's been cheating on my dad. I had to sit with the bitch in a diner for ages while my dad bawled his eyes out alone in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 774

You deserved it 1 665

THIS DOESN'T FEEL NICE… OHHH

By SplishSplash - 01/09/2013 01:21 - United States

Today, we went boating with friends. For some reason the bottom of our tube deflated, causing me to be bounced roughly up and down on the water. As a result, I had the most intense orgasm of my entire life, while sitting 2 inches away from my dad's friend. He definitely noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 666

You deserved it 6 936

By Dead Inside - 03/12/2018 07:30 - United States - Elkhart

Today, the family dog was in the garbage and wouldn't stop eating. He is a large dog, and I had to put my arms around him and pull him out of the trash can. Well, he bit me so hard I was bleeding. My whole family is siding with the dog and saying it was my fault for not letting him eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 984

You deserved it 414

Philosophical

By Too available to be sexy - 04/05/2019 20:00

Today, during foreplay, my husband asked if I found him sexually attractive. When I asked him back, after a yes, he was silent for two minutes then went into a ten-minute philosophical discussion on the nature of attractiveness. He would find me more attractive if I wasn't his wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 715

You deserved it 332

By I'm so sorry... - 01/03/2017 16:00

Today, a coworker left a chocolate cake on the "free food" table in the office. I had a slice. She's just called to ask if she left her grandmother's birthday cake at work. She made it from scratch. Now I'm baking a new cake in the office kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 711

You deserved it 1 544

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The Top

Today, I came back from college and visited my parents house. There was a new family portrait hung over the mantel of my parents and 2 sisters. My mom had always wanted one but always postponed it. It was dated the day after I left for college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 252

You deserved it 2 684

Today, I thought my car had been stolen because I couldn’t for the life of me find it in the office car park. I panicked and called the cops, only to remember I had taken my bike to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 135

You deserved it 531

Today, I was riding my bike when I passed a derelict house that recently burned. Curious, I dismounted and went inside. I stepped on a nail, and while I was staggering in agony, I hit a weak spot in the floor and broke my other leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110

You deserved it 781

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time in our relationship and it was great. He drove me back to my house and walked me to the door, then instead of kissing me goodbye he patted me on the back. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 113 941

You deserved it 10 291

Today I discovered the source of the foul smell in my garage. My freezer shit the bed with 50 pounds of meat in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 075

You deserved it 675

Today, I had my first meeting with business partners as I am new to the team. Instead of saying that I was looking forward to "stretching my legs" or "spreading my wings", I told them I was anxious to start "spreading my legs". FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 365

You deserved it 22 002