Nearly FMLs

By myanusisnotprepared - 24/01/2016 09:04 - United States

Today, I asked the girl I've been casually seeing if we could do anal. Her eyes lit up, and she got really excited... then asked me "So how much experience do you have? I don't want to use anything too big for you." Guess I forgot she usually sleeps with women and loves her strap-on. FML.

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By Underappreciated - 24/01/2016 08:35 - United States

Today, I found out from the break room bulletin board that I was associate of the month. Two months ago. My manager forgot to tell me. So what's the prize? Apparently, a sense of appreciation. FML

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By secret night life - 24/01/2016 08:21 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I always update my lesbian porn blog at night because I still live with my parents while I'm attending university. I passed out last night while updating it. I woke up this morning to see that I had left it open to a video post and that my dad had been in my room. He most likely now knows FML

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By Shelby - 24/01/2016 08:10 - United States - Austin

Today, my mom asked me if I was pregnant. I've been taking medicine for my depression which made me gain lots of weight. FML

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By noThanks - 24/01/2016 08:07 - France

Today, my grandfather, who is 93 years old and thinks females are only there to have kids, told me one more time to "get a guy and get pregnant already". He's been doing that since i was 16. FML

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By chipmunk - 24/01/2016 08:04 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went to the doctors to get my wisdom teeth pulled out. As he was casually playing extremely loud opera music he induced the local anesthesia but missed my gums and numbed the entire inside of my mouth instead. I felt absolutely everything and know I can't speak. FML

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By MDoremis - 24/01/2016 07:19 - United States

Today, while grocery shopping, a little girl strapped to her mother's chest waved at me so I waved back and said hi. Her mother then proceeded to yell at me, "No, we don't want that! Don't do that!" Uh... Sorry? FML

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By Anonymous - 24/01/2016 07:17 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my boyfriend's parents told him to dump me because my mom is sick and in a care home, and that he would be burdened having to help take care of her. They are nurses. FML.

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By tinyowl - 24/01/2016 07:17 - United States - La Crosse

Today, I was cleaning my parents bedroom when I noticed a peculiar white stain on my father's side of the bed. I called my mom over, and she blamed it on her daughter, me. FML

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You deserved it 1

By vixen_94 - 24/01/2016 06:50 - United States

Today, I excitedly told my mom that I have lost 35 pounds since having my son. She replied with "Really? I've lost 50 pounds recently. You can have some of my old jeans if you want, they're too big for me." I am now in a weight lost competition with my 40 year old mother. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/01/2016 06:47 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I decided to visit my nan with my dog. He decided to greet her by shitting on her tiles. FML

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By ohgoodlordjen - 24/01/2016 06:45 - United States - Port Angeles

Today, I got a pamphlet advertising a weed delivery service sent to me in the mail. I set it aside on my coffee table without giving it a second thought, unfortunately my conservative grandmother found it and now thinks I'm a "druggie". She is legitimately considering putting me in treatment. FML

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By repackagedandputback - 24/01/2016 06:44 - United States - Normal

Today, my dad got a package in the mail that felt very similar to the coins that he buys for his coin collection. So I opened it up to look at the new coin he got. However, there were no coins only the new sex toys he had ordered online FML

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By Anonymous - 24/01/2016 05:57 - United States - Orlando

Today I was just curious how long it normally takes my husband to go into REM stage. He caught me staring at him too close and now fears I'm plotting his death. FML

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By anon - 24/01/2016 05:51 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I learned that my significant other does not like reptiles. I own fifty seven of them. FML

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By mighty mouse - 24/01/2016 05:44 - United States - New York

Today, I moved back into my dorm for spring semester. Recalling last semester in which I found a dead mouse in my room, I breathed a sigh of relief upon entering as there were no dead mice. Cut to a few hours later, when I spotted a LIVE mouse scurrying across the floor. FML

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By almost a month after Xmas - 24/01/2016 05:40 - United States - Burtonsville

Today, I realized I spend more time playing the video game I bought my brother for Christmas than he does. FML

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By BabooonLove - 24/01/2016 05:29 - United States

Today, my daughter came over for the first time in a while. I made home-made baklava because I though she'd love it, and throughout the day I repeatedly asked if she wants to try it. She finally broke down crying. Turns out the last time she had baklava was with her grandpa before he died. FML

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By LoneBooker88 - 24/01/2016 05:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I awoke from another dream about an amazing boyfriend that does not exist. Once again, I was reminded that I am 19 years old and have never dated anyone. FML

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By kdbsanchez86 - 24/01/2016 04:51 - United States

Today, after returning home from a 3 day business trip, I thought it would be nice to wake up my husband by giving him head. Once I started I notice somthing was different, even his moans sounded different. I turned on the lights to find his brother in our bed.

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By anonymouslyyours - 24/01/2016 04:28 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, upon returning to my barely one year old vehicle after snowboarding all day, I noticed it had been hit while parked. A hit and run of course. FML

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By ananicosia - 24/01/2016 03:59 - United States - Middletown

Today, I was supposed to see my long distance boyfriend after months of being apart. We had a bunch of plans but were worried about the snow. Neither of us could see each other due to it being a state of emergency. Guess we have to wait a few weeks to see each other again. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/01/2016 03:56 - United States - Conway

Today, I was babysitting a kid to earn some pocket money, and made 10 bucks. When I got home, I discovered a hole in my pocket. Luckily, the $10 was still there--but the $20 bill I had along with it was gone. FML

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By danm_1 - 24/01/2016 03:49 - South Africa

Today, my girlfriend chose not to tell her parents that we are dating, despite the fact that she says they like me and would have no problem with it. Her parents now think that she is dating my brother and think that they are the perfect couple. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/01/2016 03:44 - United States - Portland

Today, I now know what it's like to have powdered pepper thrown into my eyes. Apparently a family member thought it would be hilarious while Im distracted with cooking. FML.

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By Need a New Door - 24/01/2016 03:38 - United States - Louisville

Today, my best friend's crazy girlfriend broke up him after she cheated on him. He came over to my apartment for a beer and some pizza to cheer him up. A couple of hours after he arrived, his ex tried to break down my door. I wouldn't let her in, so she scratched my door with a knife. FML

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By ManOhMan - 24/01/2016 03:30 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. I pulled out and came on the back of one of my sweatshirts. I accidentally wore the same sweatshirt to work today and didn't realize it till now. FML

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By mylifesucks - 24/01/2016 03:08 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was using my best friend's laptop. While I was searching for funny videos, a pop-up ad for pornography came onto the screen. At the same time, my best friend's dad walked into the room we were in to bring us snacks. Long story short, I can no longer hang out with my best friend. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/01/2016 02:16 - Canada - Surrey

Today both my dogs got into a fight. The loser lost an eye and acquired brain damage and will need to be put down, the winner was declared aggressive and was immediately euthanized. FML

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By Annoymous - 24/01/2016 02:09 - United States - Warren

Today, I walked outside to get in my car and head to work. Apparently a brain dead bird decided to go Top Gun and try to fly through my car window cracking it. Now I have a dead bird and a bill to replace the window. FML

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The Top

Today, I got married. It was a beautiful ceremony with all of our family and friends. Too bad it ended with us leaving the reception before dancing even started, since my groom couldn't stop bawling his eyes out from all the stress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 902

You deserved it 4 525

Today, I was kicked out of my ex-girlfriend's apartment, with whom I’ve been staying with, because I’m a 'bad influence to her two sons' since I’m an 'alcoholic who passed out and pissed the couch.” I’ve been sober since the beginning of January, and have been in AA since. I'm also prone to seizures. She does Meth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 064

You deserved it 280

Today, I was walking my dog in my suburban neighborhood when all of a sudden we practically jumped out of our skin (and fur) when we heard what I assumed were fireworks. Nope, someone down the street was testing their new AR-15 in their backyard. All perfectly legal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 453

You deserved it 159

Today, I was having a romantic evening with my new boyfriend, until we walked into my bedroom and discovered that my cat had ripped apart my pads and had spread them all over the place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 520

You deserved it 239

Today, mine and my boyfriend's concerns that we are too loud in bed were definitely confirmed when his entire family stopped the movie they were watching and vacated the cinema room located directly below us. They returned and resumed a while after we were finished. FML

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You deserved it 36 863

Today, while performing a therapeutic massage, I dropped my clients head, shuddered, and jumped away. Why? I watch too much Walking Dead and when I lifted her head to stretch her neck, her soft breathing sounded like a zombie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 377

You deserved it 3 144