Nearly FMLs

By igotroasted - 24/01/2016 20:26

Today, I, a vegan, got into a heated argument with my meat-eater roommate about whether or not chicken was a sufficient source of nutrients. I woke from a nap soon after, and found a roast chicken drawn on my forehead as a joke with permanent marker. No matter what I do, it won't come off. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/01/2016 20:26 - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today, I finally learned why my girlfriend still can't see me very often, even after 11 months of dating. She basically needs her dad's permission for EVERY hour we spend with each other. Feels like a playdate more than anything. We're both 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 24/01/2016 20:15 - United States - Livonia

Today, my pissed off roommates decided to sneak five laxative pills into my sandwich. I noticed soon after because of all the stomach cramps and liquid fire shooting out of my ass. Nice day to start a period, too. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/01/2016 20:12 - Canada - Waterford

Today, is the day that my husband out earns my yearly salary, I have a business degree and work 40 hours a week, he dropped out of high school at 16 and works 5 hours a week and stays home with our children all day. FML

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By Julieeeeee - 24/01/2016 20:01 - United States - Mart

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant because my mother and mother-in-law both conspired and poked holes in all of my boyfriend and i's condoms because they want grandchildren while they're still in their 30's. FML

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By Shadowknight852 - 24/01/2016 20:01 - United States - Gilbert

Today, my family agreed on not having a graduation party for me because i apparently don't "have enough friends", FML

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By lexijjjj - 24/01/2016 19:52 - United States

Today, I found out that the sharp pain in my foot from 4 days ago is my broken ankle. The doctor said I rebroke it in 2 new places from walking on it and it'll take longer to heal. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/01/2016 19:40 - Canada - Toronto

I decided to try out the expensive steeping mug I got as a gift for Christmas. Apparently this mug is so good that 4 hours later, I burnt my tounge so severely that I haven't been able to talk for the last few hours. FML.

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By cryevertime - 24/01/2016 19:29 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, I was shoveling snow for my neighbors. We got a lot of snow where we are so it was a lot of work. I finally finished and my back was hurting a lot when suddenly all the snow on their roof slid off and covered everything I had just done. I can't get any money until I do it all again. FML.

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By gvmstrack - 24/01/2016 19:29 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I went out to play in the snow I was with a group of friends, I laid down to make a group snow angle then I got up and saw blood all over the snow, guess who came early. FML.

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By justaweirdgirl - 24/01/2016 19:06 - Mexico - Nuevo Laredo

Today, while giving a presentation I prepared for weeks, the teacher fell asleep. FML

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By awspinks77 - 24/01/2016 18:59 - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, my pregnant wife spent two hours bawling in my arms because she feels since she ate a single donut, she will get fat and I will divorce her and leave her alone with our child. I've tried everything to comfort her and nothing works. FML.

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By CursedPickyEater - 24/01/2016 18:56 - United States - Bronx

Today, I told my mother to buy 20$ worth of food. She bought the most expensive pair of boots she could find. I'm broke now. FML

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By oumere - 24/01/2016 18:50 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of two years made her friend announce to me that she was breaking up with me; I asked my girlfriend about it, and she said that she still loves me and she "doesn't know why she broke up with me". She won't even talk to me now. FML

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By mom2one2015 - 24/01/2016 18:42 - United States - Chevy Chase

Today, my husband told me to clean the house even though that's what I've been doing for the past 2 days. Apparently letting our son play with his toys while I clean another room is wrong. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By bigwell - 24/01/2016 18:38 - United States - Perkasie

Today, I told my supervisor that I didn't feel safe driving the company vehicle because of the snow. He said too bad, deal with it. I'll be dealing with the tow truck operator soon to get me unstuck FML

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By Nemo - 24/01/2016 18:29 - United States - Bronx

Today, I was hanging out with my girlfriend. We were watching a movie in her room. I leaned over to start making out. We were holding hands and she brought my hand over to her butt and then put her hand on my shoulder. After thirty seconds of making out she yelled at me for grabbing her ass. FML

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You deserved it 0

By corinna_meh - 24/01/2016 18:23 - United States - Enterprise

Today, I went on my first cruise. After a couple hours I got extremely sea sick and headed back to my room. I opened the door to find my step dad standing naked on the balcony, causing me to violently throw up. I'm never going to be able to unsee this. FML

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By Anon - 24/01/2016 18:22 - United States - Phoenix

Yesterday, I yelled at my daughter who happens to have a strong attachment to our dog. As she walked away our dog turned back, stared at me and followed her. Today, I woke up with shit and piss all over my office.

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By tier_voss - 24/01/2016 18:12 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my husband woke me up at 2 A.M. grinding up against me while saying my brother's name. FML.

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By disgusted - 24/01/2016 18:04 - United States - Elmhurst

Today, I ordered takeout from the restaurant next to my house. I ate an entire container of chicken and broccoli and was feeling a little ill. When I looked at the bottom of the container there was three dead cockroaches. I order from this place at least once a week. FML

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By stupid airline - 24/01/2016 18:02 - United States

Today, the airline hasn't cancelled my flight to an airport that's closed do to snow. All other flights have been cancelled. FML

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By fbold - 24/01/2016 17:56 - Canada - Qu?bec

Today, my entire family saw a picture on my phone of my boyfriend wearing nothing but boxers. They all laughed real hard and now they can't stop making jokes about it. FML

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By God jam it - 24/01/2016 17:55 - United States - Hummelstown

Today, I was doing a project in school, and I had to say what my favorite band was. I accidentally said "one erection" instead of one direction. FML

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By anon - 24/01/2016 17:53 - United States - Groton

Today, i found out that my girlfriend has sexual fantasies about her favorite youtubers/celebrities and doesn't even think about me when we do it. How'd I find out? She moaned out her favorite gay couple name while I was on top of her. FML

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You deserved it 1

By rocksrock - 24/01/2016 17:53 - United States - Bastrop

Today, my friends and I were on a band trip. My director was at our table talking now with us as we were all eating lunch. A girl came up and asked why that old man creep was talking to us as we had to explain he was the director in front of him. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/01/2016 17:50 - United States - Boston

Today, I had band rehearsal but had to leave early to go to work. Turns out they changed the lock to the band locker room. I had to show up to work 10 minutes late with my saxophone because I got locked out. FML

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By anonymous - 24/01/2016 17:44 - United States - Kansas City

Today, my teenage daughter has been acting strangely all weekend. She eventually said had been masturbating with a dildo and pushed it so far inside she couldn't get it out. We had to go to the hospital. I wish my wife was here, I'm so uncomfortable with this situation I may have a panic attack FML

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By Anonymous - 24/01/2016 17:38 - United Kingdom - London

Today, just weeks after saying he loved me and was certain I was the one he was going to marry, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said "I love you, but I am no good at relationships." I didn't even know there was a problem. FML

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By Thomas - 24/01/2016 17:31 - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, I got home to find my mother and my boyfriend making love in my bed

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The Top

Today, I failed hard at a color test. I thought it was a joke because most of the colors looked the same to me. Now I know why people laugh at my clothes color choices. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 670

You deserved it 3 611

Today, while on the highway, a guy in a truck sped up to pass me. He was hauling a trailer, which hit me and ran me off the road. I called the cops and followed him all the way into town, where the cops pulled him over. They let him go without even a ticket, because, "He didn't know he hit you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 580

You deserved it 4 030

Today, my wife keeps bitching at me that she hasn’t lost any weight on her liquid diet, even though I’ve told her dozens of times that sticking all her normal large portion meals in a blender isn’t exactly a proper liquid diet, it’s just a very unhealthy soup with lumps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 990

You deserved it 112

Today, I went to the pet store to get mice for my mom's snakes. While checking out, the guy working behind the register asked what kind of snakes I had. I told him they were my mom's and he mentioned this crazy woman that talks to her snakes. That's my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 784

You deserved it 4 702

Today, I went to dinner with my girlfriend of 2 months. This would have been great, had I not been nodding absentmindedly when she suggested that we start planning our wedding soon, because "she's always dreamt of being married on the same day as Brad and Angelina." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 987

You deserved it 25 709

Today, a woman called my work and accused me of having an affair with her husband, my coworker, demanding that my boss discipline me. I don't know her, I barely know her husband, and I haven't had sex in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 692

You deserved it 3 539