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They are that good

By m…… - 22/08/2021 18:01

Today, my daughter cried because she went to Sonic and they were out of tater tots. When I say she cried, I mean actual tears fell from her eyes. She’s 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 882

You deserved it 197

My ears! My ears!

By Anonymous - 17/11/2022 22:00

Spicy

Today, I heard my son losing his virginity. It was hard not to, I’m disabled and need his assistance to get out of bed, so when I woke up I could hear them in the next room. He sounded like a dying cat, plus he cried afterwards, and she had to comfort him. God I wish I was deaf as well as disabled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 518

You deserved it 293

By thanksjerk - 11/08/2009 05:01 - Canada

Today, I was talking with my friend-turned boyfriend and cutely told him that I could no longer remember all the things that he used to do that bothered me. He told me he could remember every one of mine and listed them all off for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 007

You deserved it 41 461

By Janie - 10/01/2012 05:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend changed his relationship status on Facebook to "Single" and his status to "I'm not kidding, leave your key on the counter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 592

You deserved it 4 022

By Sick As Hell - 27/04/2016 07:22 - United States - Urbandale

Today, I rolled my ankle, got pink eye, and have the flu. Unable to stand long enough to cook myself a meal, I opted for delivery. When I opened the door for the delivery boy, he backed away frantically with his arms up upon seeing me. Apparently, I look just as shitty as I feel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 055

You deserved it 1 954

Protips

By notagoodsign - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Netherlands

Today, while watching Animal Planet, I realised my boyfriend uses the Dog Whisperer techniques on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 140

You deserved it 9 533

Caught

By Boredom - 26/01/2009 21:09 - United States

Spicy

Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 850

You deserved it 76 298

My brother, the doofus

By AshlynnPrime - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Owensboro

Today, I was watching TV when my sister-in-law called me, laughing. It turns out my brother got his head stuck between the bars on the stairs. Again. My brother is 29. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 367

You deserved it 3 222

By Anonymous - 14/08/2018 15:00

Today, my boyfriend's car broke down on the way to the gym, so he called his dad to give us a ride. On the way, his dad talked about how much he hates me and our relationship, as if I wasn’t sitting in the back seat directly behind them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 080

You deserved it 216

By anonymous - 19/02/2011 13:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having the best sex with my husband, and right when I reached climax, he shouted "Abracadabra!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 100

You deserved it 7 407

Tasty

By Emily Salt - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Spicy

Today, whilst nibbling on my husband's ear, I swallowed a lump of his earwax. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 030

You deserved it 25 679

By Ohai - 16/01/2009 20:46 - United States

Spicy

Today, my mom asked me for advice on how to give a good blow job. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 601

You deserved it 3 082

Good deeds

By dhdyvifjdksk - 26/01/2020 03:00 - United States

Today, I donated blood and the nurse said: "God blesses good deeds", when I get home, my mom tells me that we have to sell the house because we're broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 280

You deserved it 150

By new name - 06/11/2012 22:03 - United States - Storrs Mansfield

Today, I told my family that I wanted to change my last name to my future wife's. We want to have the same last name, and we chose hers because she is an only child, while I have three brothers. Half of my family is laughing and calling me "pussy whipped" while the other half won't speak to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 365

You deserved it 16 606

By hcditfi5foygy - 23/09/2018 13:30

Today, I learned that my new neighbour's car alarm goes off every time a car drives by blasting loud bass. So far, it's gone off 6 times in the last hour. I can't wait until he's done moving in here, where he and his car will stay for the next year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 456

You deserved it 149

Time waster

By le_evan - 29/10/2012 20:49 - United States - Los Angeles

Spicy

Today, I had sex with this guy I had been crushing on for five years. It took longer to put my clothes back on than he lasted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 504

You deserved it 6 708

By virgo - 30/01/2010 06:50 - France

Spicy

Today, I had to lie to my therapist about my sex life to make myself feel better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 265

You deserved it 6 591

Dine and ditch

By bigdaddy - 16/07/2009 03:53 - United States

Today, I went out to a nice restaurant with my extended family. It was expensive, and when the bill came, I whispered to my brother, "We may need to make this one a Chew and Screw". When the waitress came back to the table, my five year-old son decided to ask aloud, "What's Chew and Screw?". FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 227

You deserved it 66 619

Like what you see?

By Anonymous - 07/08/2020 08:08

Spicy

Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my cousin, instead of the girl who shares the same name. She liked it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 776

You deserved it 1 658

By NestHead - 01/10/2013 17:32 - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, my two parrots decided that my head was the best place to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 108

You deserved it 5 871

By nmaidkieavg - 25/01/2011 06:13

Today, I got pulled over for a traffic violation. Thinking I could get away with it, I spoke with a French accent. The officer then asked me a question in perfect French. I got a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 415

You deserved it 56 121

By Anonymous - 23/01/2011 00:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend, who's on a diet, refused to give me a blow job because my sperm would "add useless calories" to her day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 580

You deserved it 14 776

By Anonymous - 04/03/2016 16:47 - United States - Suwanee

Today, I had so much skin peeling off my lips that it got caught in my fork as I was eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 264

You deserved it 5 510

By thesixth - 02/03/2016 18:53 - Kenya

Today, being jobless and all, I tried calling my dad for a job after my many years of pride. He invited me to an interview to compete against 10 people, probably more qualified than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 087

You deserved it 7 229

By Anon - 23/11/2011 01:53 - United States

Today, after changing his mind 3 times, my long distance fiancé told me he wasn't coming to see me for Thanksgiving. Out of anger, I threw his clothes, car magazines, and whatever else I could find in a huge, messy pile. During this, he walked into the room. He was going to surprise me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 730

You deserved it 48 288

By exuberant_orange - 08/01/2015 15:56 - United States - Fort Myers

Today, a girl from class screamed at me in public for hugging the guy she likes. She threatened to take me out if I didn't "back off". That guy is my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 239

You deserved it 2 614

exuberant_orange tells us more.

exuberant_orange 17

Friday 9 January 2015 6:18

Hey OP here, it's awesome this got posted! Follow up for some people with questions: This girl came to my school while I was out on sick leave, so being she was in the same class as the BF and I; she got to know him before I came back. He told her he was taken but apparently since I wasn't actually there this didn't phase her. The boyfriend is rather creeped by this girl's psycho tendencies, and has tried to avoid her the entire time I was gone, when I came back we figured she would see us together and drop the crush. This backfired apparently. XD Anyhow my boyfriend and I found her and talked to her later and tried to calmly explain that we were together. She was quiet long enough for us to finish. She mostly seemed really embarrassed and actually apologized! Hopefully she'll stop sending me poisonous looks now. :p But all is (for the most part) well now. Thanks everyone!

By Anthony - 13/10/2018 23:00 - Russian Federation - Saint Petersburg

Today, after many months of physical therapy for my broken ankle and months of going to college with crutches, my doctor suddenly noticed that my bones hadn't grown together properly. I'm going to have to have another surgery and redo my entire year in college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 177

You deserved it 160

By Starving artist - 22/10/2018 05:00 - Canada - Courtenay

Today, I found out why my art teacher was so reluctant to return my artwork that he'd borrowed to display. He dropped a white splotch of paint in the centre of my black scratch art, which is irreversible, and tried to cover it up without telling me. I spent 2 months on that thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 446

You deserved it 179

By ellen77 - 13/09/2013 05:55 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I had to babysit two kids. It all went well until one of them duct taped a knife to a toy machine gun, lit the barbecue on fire, and ran around like a wild banshee screaming obscenities. The other one got scared and climbed onto the roof of the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 051

You deserved it 5 433

Disinterested

By lily - 13/09/2020 14:01 - United States

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I slightly opened my eyes during it and saw him with his eyes wide open, watching TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 399

You deserved it 359

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The Top

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Today, my sister got married. For the second time. She's 30. Two men have loved her enough to cry over their vows to her. Every single person there asked me why I wasn't married yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 736

You deserved it 3 217

Today, after being on steroids to suppress my immune system, I found out it causes pulmonary embolisms. If I stop taking my steroids, my body will try to kill me, but if I take the steroids, the meds will try to kill me. I’m only 35 and was fit before this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 589

You deserved it 168

Today, my neighbor said hello to me and we chatted a bit. I had my hand in my pocket, fidgeting with my phone as she yammered on. Suddenly, after pressing random buttons, the shutter on my camera went off. A loud KKCCCHHCHHH came from my pocket. She paused and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 279

You deserved it 1 006

Today, I went shopping for a nice outfit to wear for a job interview. A fake job interview. One that I just made up so my mother would get off my case about finding a job. I don't know which is sadder, the fact that I can't get a job, or that my mother actually believed me about the interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 211

You deserved it 38 913

Today, my asswipe coworker yet again microwaved some disgusting fish dish at work, stinking out the break room for days. If we say anything, he runs to HR and complains of "racism" and "hostile work environment." God, I sound like a disgusting Trump-sucker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 373

You deserved it 193

Today, the only way my newborn sleeps is if I dance around with him strapped to me. Six hours and counting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 946

You deserved it 496