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By s0728 - 01/09/2014 21:37 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I work at a bakery. As I was putting out some cakes with fruit on top of them, a customer asked me how we get the little hairs to stay on the raspberries, and if we glue them on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 593

You deserved it 3 320

By Anonymous - 27/10/2010 16:17 - United States

Today, a hummingbird somehow got into my house. I spent two and a half hours trying to get it out after finally using a blanket to catch it. I run outside to release it from my hands, and it flew back into my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 395

You deserved it 6 367

By asthma_attacker - 14/11/2009 18:38 - United States

Today, I asked a girl I like out. She ended up having an asthma attack because she was laughing so hard. I guess that's a no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 738

You deserved it 2 923

By future walmart employee - 21/05/2013 04:10 - United States - Clarendon Hills

Today, I had my first job as a wedding planner. I'd spent a year making sure everything was right. After the wedding my friend comforted me by saying, "You had to have known it wasn't going to be perfect." I knew that it wouldn't be perfect, but I had expected the groom to at least show up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 504

You deserved it 3 194

By Anonymous - 27/04/2013 18:32 - Lithuania - Prienai

Today, my psycho and now ex-girlfriend accused me of cheating on her with my own mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 789

You deserved it 4 006

By Anonymous - 10/10/2009 17:53 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother said she trusted me enough to go with me for my first drive in my new car. As soon as we got in the car, she started hyperventilating and screaming we're going to crash. I didn't even start the engine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 082

You deserved it 2 925

By theawesome129 - 24/03/2013 10:20 - Canada

Today, I finally came out to my family as a lesbian. My grandma then told me I'm just going through a phase because I finally realized I'm not pretty or skinny enough to get a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 667

You deserved it 7 233

Breeders

By Anonymous - 12/07/2015 19:39 - United Kingdom

Today, a customer at the restaurant where I work reduced me to tears by screaming at me, as I nearly knocked out his 2-year-old with the kitchen door, after he let the little boy play on the floor behind it. Apparently, it's my fault I can't see through solid wood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 676

You deserved it 1 948

By vibratorgirl - 08/03/2009 01:15 - United States

Today, I left my parents house to drive 90 minutes back to college. As I was getting off the exit for my school, I realized I left my bright pink vibrator sitting on my dresser back at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 119

You deserved it 73 951

By Anonymous - 17/02/2013 02:12 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after explaining to my four-year-old why our new puppy was peeing on things to mark his territory, my son decided to follow suit and pee all over our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 897

You deserved it 6 886

By Anonymous - 19/11/2013 16:50

Today, my boss declared total bankruptcy of the company and I lost my job. The good news is my coworkers and I all received McDonald's 10%-off coupons. They expired in 2003. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 469

You deserved it 2 911

By msnewyearseve - 01/01/2012 17:19 - United States

Today, I woke up after a long night of partying. When I went to wash off my face, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My missing tooth was almost enough to make me overlook my black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 879

You deserved it 33 171

By TJFuentes - 11/02/2015 13:39 - United States - Appleton

Today, someone walking my way started waving. I waved back until I realized he wasn't looking at me. To make things worse, while walking past he said, "Get a fucking friend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 372

You deserved it 3 776

By noooooo - 22/01/2010 07:32 - Canada

Today, I ran 5 miles to catch the bus I take to university after missing my connection. When I got to the bus stop, I realized I had left my U-Pass on my desk at home. On top of the assignment that was due. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 069

You deserved it 8 504

Systemic

By Upset - 03/02/2016 18:14 - United States - Santa Clara

Today, after finding out that my professor likes to talk trash about, and constantly belittle, Muslims in every American History class he teaches, I submitted an essay about Muslim contributions to humanity. He held me back after class and asked why I gave him such filth. I'm a Muslim. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 656

You deserved it 5 083

By Anonymous - 27/01/2016 19:43 - United States

Today, I was sitting in the living room with my husband when we heard a baby coo. This would have been adorable, if we had a baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 787

You deserved it 1 480

By Anonymous - 12/01/2016 18:04 - United States - Newtown Square

Today, my girlfriend launched her own business. I was recently laid off from my job, so I offered to be her very first employee. I now have the glamorous job of bleaching people's assholes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 944

You deserved it 6 988

By HelpMe1 - 06/11/2014 06:53 - Indonesia - Jakarta

Today, my boss told me to fire the unstable, former military, gun nut employee. He's been making death threats to his supervisors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 272

You deserved it 2 956

By Anonymous - 30/07/2013 06:52 - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, I was at a piano lesson playing a song I had worked very hard to make perfect. Halfway through, my teacher abruptly stops me and asks, "Did you notice that I rearranged the furniture?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 908

You deserved it 3 834

By lalala_hahaha - 23/09/2010 23:18 - France

Today, I had some girlfriends over, while my parents were having a party at our house. My drunken dad decided to come down to the basement and show us all his third nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 966

You deserved it 3 082

By yessssir - 09/03/2010 02:24 - United States

Today, I returned home from a 2-day trip. Before I left, I told my brother to move my car across the street when the street cleaner passes by. Turns out, he used all my gas and got so wasted he forgot to move my car. I got a big ticket that he said he'd pay for. He's unemployed and lives off me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 901

You deserved it 4 951

By bobosgonnagetyou - 01/11/2013 06:04 - United States - Lake Oswego

Today, my grandma has been running around the neighborhood, dressed as Bobo the Evil Clown, chasing trick-or-treaters. All I've been able to do is chase after her, and apologize to the terrified children's families. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 000

You deserved it 3 748

bobosgonnagetyou tells us more.

bobosgonnagetyou 8

Saturday 2 November 2013 8:41

Hey FML, OP here! I created an account so I could answer some of your questions. First off, I live in Oregon. Secondly, I thought it was hilarious, although a tad creepy at times, but I just let her do her thing and didn't try to stop her. Most people thought it was great and took it really well. She had a blast doing it, and was simply pulling a prank, which is what Halloween is all about! :)

By Anonymous - 13/03/2016 15:00 - United States

Today, I'm going cold turkey with my drinking and smoking habits. I'm so irritable, I seriously considered running down an old lady who was taking her damn sweet time crossing the road, then shooting the guy in the car behind me for honking at me like I was holding everyone up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 639

You deserved it 3 660

By cashier - 12/07/2009 00:33 - United States

Today, I was trying to clean the belt of my register at work at a grocery store. I noticed two strips of rubber stuck in the corner of the belt, and after pulling on them periodically all morning one finally came loose. It was a foot. I had been pulling at a dead rat trapped in the belt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 602

You deserved it 3 331

By jitterbug - 02/01/2015 05:36 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, when my roommate asked me what was wrong, I told him that something I ate was making me feel sick. He works 10+ hours a day, and I didn't have the heart to tell him that the putrid smell of his feet was making me nauseous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 760

You deserved it 4 743

By Anonymous - 23/08/2012 21:40 - Ireland - Kilkelly

Today, my dad introduced me to my half-sister. He'd only recently found out that he had another daughter by another woman, and had only just met her. She and I have been in the same class in school for the past three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 061

You deserved it 1 695

Supportive

By Username - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my mother followed me to work to see what I got up to. I'm a fitness instructor in a ground floor gym that has big windows overlooking the street. She stood outside and waved at me for half an hour, while I tried to concentrate on teaching a visibly amused class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 121

You deserved it 2 467

It wasn't me

By johnG - 21/12/2009 15:23 - Canada

Today, I got a call from my local hospital's emergency room, stating my wife was in labour. My wife and I split years ago, but just haven't divorced. She's been telling everyone I'm the baby's father. My current girlfriend is 7 months pregnant with my child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 244

You deserved it 9 973

By 4lphab3t4 - 13/11/2015 01:11 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I yawned so hard that I dislocated my jaw completely, then had to ask to be excused from class in front of 30 people with my mouth hanging open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 783

You deserved it 1 970

I can't stand leg puns! tells us more.

I can't stand leg puns! 22

Saturday 14 November 2015 16:45

Op here. Well folks, after an interesting chat with a Doc, turns out I don't have TMJ or EDS. I just eat way to much ******* chewing gum, and, after so much, my jaw was slightly moved out of place. So when I yawned, it fell out of place completely, thus the dislocation. FML again, I guess

By Anonymous - 08/11/2015 06:15 - Canada - Gatineau

Today, I overheard my in-laws talking about me. It started off with light insults and ended with, "People like her are the reason murder ain't always wrong". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 033

You deserved it 2 132