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Haha!! Thanks for the support and funny comments! I am a guy and these people she talks about are women and aren't there for anything violent. A few of them have drug/alcohol problems and the rest like to steal things which are also pretty much the same things my entire family did to get locked up at the same time along with some other stuff I don't feel like listing. The sad part is that some of them seem better then the semi-insane girls I usually end up talking to.

By Anonymous - 07/04/2014 17:02 - Canada

Today, I noticed something written on the top of my toaster, so I used a finger to clear away some of the crumbs, burning my finger in the process. The writing? "CAUTION: Hot surface!" Thanks, toaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 012

You deserved it 48 823

Great parenting

By clutzymama - 10/07/2015 04:27 - Canada - Woodbridge

Today, my 4-year-old daughter slipped on ceramic tile and I had to take her to the ER for 5 stitches to her chin. When we got home, I promptly split her chin open again as I over enthusiastically re-enacted how she fell to my husband and accidentally clocked her square in the chin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 478

You deserved it 16 511

By Me - 31/05/2011 06:49 - United States

Today, while at work, a rather large woman came in and ordered a cheeseburger. When asking if she would like to supersize it, she took her purse, smacked me, and told me she wasn't fat, and how rude I was for calling her supersized. I was just doing my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 333

You deserved it 4 732

Busted

By germx - 18/03/2009 04:07 - United States

Today, I was at my job in the Dean of Students office. My boss gave me some papers to copy. As I was copying, I read in a report that my boyfriend was written up for "cohabitation" (having a girl stay over) at my Catholic university. The report was from a weekend I wasn't at school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 428

You deserved it 4 215

By Anonymous - 24/03/2014 06:56 - United States

Today, during my dinner break, I was forced to listen to a coworker talk about how he dumped his needy ex for another woman. I'm the ex. We kept our relationship secret from our coworkers. I guess now I know why he dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 096

You deserved it 5 917

By aziraphaleelle - 18/03/2014 08:10 - United States - San Jose

Today, I had to wave my arms like a maniac as I sat on the toilet at work, otherwise the faulty motion sensor/timer would turn the lights off after about ten seconds. I've had to do this for several days now. No one else has reported this problem, so management won't get it fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 171

You deserved it 4 365

By Migole - 24/02/2013 01:42 - Germany - Leverkusen

Today, a colleague gave me an expensive box of chocolates for my birthday. I was surprised she spent so much on me, but didn't think much of it. Only when I got back home and excitedly opened the box did I realise the chocolates had expired months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 349

You deserved it 2 534

Migole tells us more.

Migole 36

Sunday 24 February 2013 23:14

Those were still fine luckily but in general it can expire, yes. It becomes all grey and greasy and tastes like soap. Not nice :/

Good boy

By PrinceOfBritain - 14/05/2015 02:41 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I was walking my dog through a park with a lake. My dog was swimming in said lake, and then appeared to be having trouble keeping his head up. I put my phone and keys on the ground and waded to my dog. He was fine, but I turned around in time to see someone run off with my stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 482

You deserved it 3 532

By Anonymous - 01/05/2015 20:41 - United Kingdom - Oundle

Today, in the middle of the supermarket, my 7 year old son asked me what a cocksucker is and why his mum always calls me that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 418

You deserved it 3 654

How very dare you?

By Anonymous - 18/04/2015 16:45 - United States - Oakland

Today, I went to the dentist for the first time in years. His first comment upon inspecting my teeth: "Meth. Hell of a drug." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 047

You deserved it 11 615

Won't get fooled again

By chacha_bby - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had a party at my house. When my parents came home, my dad asked how the party was. I told him I didn't know what he was talking about, to which he responded, "Well, the puke all over the driveway begs to differ." FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 768

You deserved it 52 868

By lonelyinlondon - 21/08/2009 02:06 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend threw me a going-away party. During the party, I caught him in my bedroom hooking up with my friend because "you're leaving soon anyway so it doesn't matter." I'll only be gone for 6 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 880

You deserved it 3 350

By Anonymous - 08/03/2015 16:42 - United States

Today, I decided to show up early for work and really try to get off my manager's shit-list. On my way to work, my manager called to bitch me out for already being 30 minutes late. Yeah, I forgot about Daylight Savings Time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 203

You deserved it 12 456

It's a mystery

By Anonymous - 04/08/2009 00:32 - United States

Today, I got my first speeding ticket. Looking it over, I was surprised to see that the officer listed my height accurately despite never having seen me standing. I complimented his uncanny ability and asked if it was part of police training. He then informed me that he read it on my license. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 062

You deserved it 61 262

By tramp - 10/11/2013 05:51 - United States

Today, I met my brother's girlfriend. We got talking, and we got onto the subject of tattoos. I said how much I hated tramp stamps, and how they make girls look trashy. She said, "Like this?" and showed me hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 347

You deserved it 19 677

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Today, I saw someone accidentally leave their headlights on downtown. Trying to be a helpful, I chased them down 2 blocks only to be informed that their headlights automatically turn off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 872

You deserved it 6 612

Today, I thought it would be sexy to surprise my boyfriend by hiding in the closet naked and pouncing on him as he came to get his pants. I never got to the pouncing. Apparently my boyfriend has heightened reflexes so instead I got slapped hard across the face. My ear is still ringing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 430

You deserved it 47 661

Today, while working in a kids shop, I absentmindedly called a small person with his mum a little man. I then heard a deep man's voice say, "I'm not a little man." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 172

You deserved it 580

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I have an 'outie' belly button, and he didn't want our potential kids to have one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 627

You deserved it 201

Today, I wanted to prank my husband and filled a kitchen cabinet with tennis balls. Not sure what was funnier, seeing his reaction when all the balls fell out, or the fact that before he got home, I forgot that I had placed the balls there and opened the cabinet myself. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 333

You deserved it 1 478

Today, in Nevada during Halloween night, I discovered my neighbors have something that sounds an awful lot like an explosive. I can't see anything on fire, but WHY do my neighbors have EXPLOSIVES? FML

I agree, your life sucks 759

You deserved it 200