Today, I woke up in a daze after a long night drinking. I felt a subtle nudge on my shoulder. I was at my ex-girlfriend's house, passed out on top of her, with no pants on. Her dad was, in so many words, informing me that I had to leave immediately. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, after a month of sobriety, I woke up in my ex-girlfriend's house with absolutely no recollection as to how I got there. FML
Today, I was sleeping in my room when I awoke to an unfamiliar female voice in my apartment, followed by a thud. I walked out to find a drunk girl I've never met collapsed in my doorway. After puking all over the place, she had me call her father, who picked her up 10 minutes later. FML
Today, I woke up next to a slumbering girl I had just met the night before. She had all the covers on top of her and I was cold. Not only was I cold, but the sheets were really cold. So I got up and realized she'd peed a drunken night's worth of beer all over my sheets. FML
Today, a girl I have been wanting for years told me she was drunk and needed me to take her home. On the way home she was very frisky and flirty, and I kept telling her to wait till we got to her place. When we finally arrived, she passed out on me and I was stuck there watching her sleep. FML
Today, after having some drinks at the club, I went home with this awesome girl. When I woke up, I thought the house looked really familiar. It belonged to my ex's younger sister. FML
Today, I woke up, completely naked, in bed with a guy I met the night before. We were both drunk the night before and I had agreed to go home with him. The reason I woke up was that someone was knocking on his bedroom door. Turns out he lives with his mom and she made us pancakes. FML
Today, I was drinking too much and I had to pee constantly, so I went to bed without my girlfriend. Hours later she woke me up wanting sex, but she realized that I'd pissed the bed. FML
Today, I woke up in the shower at my coworker's house, with my clothes on and soaking wet. Apparently, the night before I drank too much and punched my best friend. The sad part is, I passed out on the couch, but somehow ended up in the shower, facing the wrong way. FML
Today, I brought a girl home from the bar. After sleeping together, she drunkenly stumbles to the bathroom to wash up. On her way back, she accidentally walks into my parents' room, turns on the lights and asks where her clothes are before figuring it out. FML
Today, I went to a party that my friends were throwing. I had a great time and got blackout drunk. I woke up to videos from my girlfriend from last night. At some point I'd managed to take off my shorts and boxers and spent the rest of the party naked from the waist down. FML
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Top comments
llaawwll 0
At least he didn't have a gun pointed at your face or something.
manoverboard 0
Oh, the joys of drinking.
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Comments (114)
speak_a_da_truth 0
YDI but look on the bright side now you have an excuse not to pull that exgirlfriend shit anymore. If she's your ex and you wanted it then this was perfect b/c you got that last drunk lay in there and reason for not going back again. Well played sir...Well played!
bco12 0
this isn't an fml because you got off lucky! if i were the dad, you'd be dead right now.
blahdsflksfd 0
Everyone who gets drunk is an idiot. I wish we could send them all into the sun, so that decent people could live on Earth. Drunk + sex = accident babies = bad. Ever see the movie Idiocracy? You people make me sick
speak_a_da_truth 0
HAHA Idiocracy is a great flick! You live in a bubble though, being drunk does not = idiot. It just means we enjoy escaping the reality that you so much bitch about for however brief it is. Also Drunk + Sex = accident babies = bad. My best friend was NOT Drunk + Sex + Birth Control = accident baby = Great Father to his son. Your logic is flawed. I think you were an ACCIDENT BABY now go cry in your bubble.
amy1504 0
To be honest, quite a lot of people drink, so stfu.
blahdsflksfd 0
that doesnt make it right
buckfasthero 0
Hey, are you best friends with Captain Sensible from #20? You two guys should do an after-school special.
jessiebare 0
LMAO!
jasey_rae 0
and it's people like you who are so closed minded and judgemental of others and think they're better than someone because they don't drink. get the **** over yourself.
tp1990 0
LOL that's ****** hilarios, I've done somethin similiar before.... Btw I moderated this
RPGod 0
YDI for drinking that much
sparda4355 0
that sucked for like 10 minutes (assuming you had to find your pants)... then you got ur ass outa there and laughed for a good 30 minutes, and now you have a legendary story to tell for years to come! AWESOME! :)
tradit03 0
kudos on the storytelling ")
realrealitysuccs 0
YDI for gettin that drunk...hahaha btw did she succ ur dicc to cus if so this is soooo not a FML
Einstein714 0
you're an idiot
plexico 3
"in so many words" means that is exactly what is said. You didn't have an exact quote there, so your story is poorly written. It would be a better FML if he said something like, "Get the **** out of here or I'll smash your balls with golf club! I made be an 8-handicap, but your handicap is that your balls have been knocked between your shoulderblades!" That would have been funny. Was she you ex-girlfriend before the pants came off, or did the relationship end when her dad found you? You should have less sex and alcohol, and learn to write coherently.
irononreverse 0
There's nothing wrong with the way this FML is written. In fact, its subtlety is a lot better than your "improvement" As you pointed out, "in so many words" means exactly what was said. Which was nothing. Everything is inferred from the nudge on the shoulder. If you or I were ever in that situation, and had the nudge, we'd both know it would be time to leave.