Today, I was checking my phone while using the toilet. In a distressing moment of my brain mixing up the signals to my hands, I dropped my phone into the bowl and pressed my thumb into the shitty paper to turn it off. FML

Today, like every day, I used my phone while taking a dump. As I reached for some toilet paper to wipe myself, my sister pounded on the door for me to hurry up. I yelled "Fine," and without realizing it, wiped myself with my phone. FML

Today, after suffering from constipation for three days, I finally took a dump. Just as things reached the point of no return, my land line and doorbell all rang. FML

Lonely

Today, the only notification I got on my phone all day was a reminder I set to take a fibre supplement and stool softener. FML

Today, I was glued to the toilet all day, gushing fountains of crap, due to my own bad cooking. It got so bad that I ran out of toilet paper and had to desperately jump in the shower and stay there for nearly two hours. I can't even feel my own asshole any more. FML

Today, I once again used my phone to get out of a conversation with someone, instead of actually talking to someone on it. FML

Touch grass

Today, I told myself, "Come on you geek, go outside, get some sun, get your ass away from in front of your computer, go for a walk." I finally mustered the courage to leave my house. Without my keys. I've now been in an internet café for four hours. FML

Doomscrolling

Today, it's only when my mom knocked on the door and asked, "Are you alright in there?" that I realised that I had been scrolling through the same Instagram feed whilst sat on the toilet for an hour. My legs had gone numb and I'm pretty sure the toilet seat is forever engraved in my arse cheeks. FML

Never miss a chance to sit down

Today, I was so busy all the time that I actually got a thrill out of sitting down and taking the weight off my feet. On the toilet. FML

Today, after 4 days of constipation, I finally pooped. Sadly, I was not on the toilet. FML