Today, I think I had a mini orgasm when the baker told me that the chocolate croissant I'd just chosen was still warm. FML
Today, my husband caught me sneaking out of his parents' house to get food. I love my in-laws, they’re the type of people others dream of having, but the food is so horrible. I don’t understand how in such a large family of amazing people not one of them has figured out how to make a decent meal. FML
Today, for the hundredth fucking time, my stepson asked for a snack twenty minutes before dinner. When I told him no, he cried to his mom, who yelled at me and gave him a granola bar. Then, when dinner came, he "wasn't hungry", picked at his food, and fussed and cried. FML
Today, my 4 year-old son learned that burgers and chicken tenders are made from cows and chickens. I braced myself for the tantrum, only to hear, "They're yummy. Can we turn the cat into a burger? What do squirrels and dogs turn into?" Now I'm scared of my kid. FML
Today, at work, I had to shovel down 5 burgers, 3 (4 piece) nuggets, 8 regular fries, and 8 orange juices from McDonald's. When my officemates asked about my "food trip", I told them I was just really hungry. I couldn't tell them I only did this to complete the toy set. FML
Today, I tripped over my dog while carrying groceries. As I laid on the floor surrounded by smashed eggs, spilled milk, and a bruised knee, my dog stole the bread from the bag and and ran off. FML
Today, I ordered fries at a drive-thru, then drove away without paying. Realizing my mistake, I panicked and circled back, only to drive past the window again. The worker just stared at me as if I was pulling off the slowest robbery in history. FML
Today, I went through a drive-thru and ordered enough food for three people. The cashier asked if I needed extra napkins “for the group.” I panicked and said, “Yes, for the kids in the back.” There are no kids. Just me, alone, eating like a human trash compactor. FML
Today, I was excited to go to my new girlfriend’s house for dinner. To my horror, everything was out of a box or a can; Hamburger Helper, canned vegetables, boxed mashed potatoes. When I said I was hoping for something fresher, she just stared at me and asked if i know how expensive groceries are. FML
Today, and for the last six months, my mom has been feeding my Huskies human food behind my back. It's not only table scraps, it's ridiculous amounts of food. I've asked her to stop but she doesn't respect me, and I know she only does it to get on my nerves. FML
Today, imagine you’re trying to be conscious about your spending habits, but you’re sad and so you decide to buy food, even though you have food at the house, then you eat it, enjoy it… then throw it all up. FML
Today, on my lunch break, I was walking to my car balancing 3 tacos, soda and napkins. A gust of wind blew my napkins up the street. In my attempt to catch them, I tripped onto the sidewalk. The tacos landed inside a car. Its owner came out just in time to see me standing next to their dash covered in salsa and lettuce. FML
Today, after a long and exhausting day at work, I had no energy to do much of anything, so with that in mind, I got Arby's on the way home. When I did get home and was trying to carry the bag inside, it ripped open and spilled my food all over the driveway. FML
Today, to eat healthy, I made myself a salad for lunch. While shaking the salad container, the lid popped off, sending lettuce, cucumbers and dressing all over my cubicle. My boss walked in just in time to see me wiping vinaigrette off of my keyboard. FML
Today, I bought some beef jerky. As I put the first piece in my mouth, I thought to myself, "Wow, this is tough enough to break a tooth." It was. FML
Today, I tried to reheat some leftover pizza in the microwave but forgot to take the plastic wrap off. The microwave filled with smoke, and the plastic melted onto the pizza. I ate burnt plastic-flavored pizza for lunch, because pizza is pizza and I couldn't bring myself to through it away. FML
Today, I brought a huge chocolate bar to work, left it in the break room, and came back to find it gone. Later, I saw a coworker with chocolate all over his face and fingers. I asked him if he took it, and he said, in almost offended tone, “What? No, that’s mine.” FML
Today, I introduced my parrot to oranges. Now she makes a high pitched scream if I don't give her any, and I've just run out of oranges. FML
Today, I microwaved leftovers in a container I didn’t check. The lid wasn’t microwave-safe. It melted, fused to the food, and now I have what looks like a modern art sculpture instead of lunch. My coworker walked up, looked at it, and said, “Microplastics in our food are getting out of hand.” FML
Today, I was hungry and I was trying to buy the cheapest burger at Wendy's, but I'm so broke that I had to call my friends to lend me some money. Ugh. FML
Today, I looked at the supplements my boyfriend puts in the protein shakes we both drink. To my horror, most of them listed "boosts libido" or "increased fertility" as benefits. When I confronted him, he said ,"So? I drink them too, it's not like I'm drugging you or something." FML
Today, I discovered why the milk in my house has a funny, sweet taste. My family has been pouring the leftover milk from their cereal back into the carton. FML
Today, my Tinder date ordered a separate check and said there won’t be a second date, all because I ordered my meal without vegetables. FML
Today, buying lemon juice, beetroot, and ice cream, I was delayed at the self-checkout for an “alcohol ID check.” Indeed, I would very much like to meet the person who can scoff the amount of Tiramisu Ice Cream you’d need in order to get drunk off the 2% wine it contains. My calculations have it at 10-plus liters. FML
Today, I realised that on top of my gluten intolerance, garlic intolerance, and just the general having to poop way too much in 12 hours, apparently my system does not like ice cream anymore. I get diarrhea after eating any amount. And I love Klondike bars! FML
Today, I packed my lunch meticulously: salad, sandwich, fruit. Then I put the entire thing in my backpack, on top of what turned out to be a leaky water bottle. By lunch, I was faced with eating a soggy mess of lettuce soup and bread mush. It was not great. FML
Today, I ordered sushi for dinner. When it arrived, I realized the delivery driver had given me the wrong order, a family-sized vegan lasagna. I don’t even like regular lasagna, let alone vegan lasagna. FML
Today, I went to a restaurant for lunch. I began to eat when I noticed a blond hair in my food. When that happened, I went up to the counter and began complaining about their hygiene. When the manager insisted no one that works there had long blond hair, I realized that it was my hair. FML
Today, I tried to microwave a leftover burrito. I forgot to remove the foil it was wrapped in. The microwave went into overdrive in a dramatic display of sparks, the fire alarm went off, and I had to convince the neighbors at my door not to evacuate their apartments. I still haven’t eaten. FML
Today, after carefully keeping track of what I was eating and trying not to turn into a midnight snacker in order to lose weight, my sugar crashed at around 10:30pm. Before this I had two high protein bagels (at around 6:30pm) and a whole pint of fresh blueberries (at roughly 8pm) yet my sugar still crashed. FML
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