Today, what should have been a perfect spring picnic, turned into a living nightmare. A salad from Subway was filled with hair. It was in a to go bag and I didn’t feel like going all the way back to the Subway. FML
Today, my parents made me a steak dinner to celebrate me visiting home from college. I've been a vegetarian for eleven years. This is the third time they've done this. FML
Today, I was eating an ice cream cone when I felt something drop onto my bottom lip. Assuming it was a piece of ice cream, I quickly pulled it into my mouth. After a sharp sting to my tongue, I spat it out. It was a bee. FML
Today, I learned that the waffle machine at my local hotel has sugar-free bottles of syrup… and that the machine that conveniently dispenses syrup for you which is NOT sugar-free. This is exactly why Americans are stereotyped as being so unhealthy. FML
Today, I’m so heartbroken I can’t even finish leftover Chicken Scampi without bursting into tears. FML
Today, I tried to make mashed potatoes but then went into another room to wait on them, then forgot about them, ruining my only big pot and a full bag of potatoes. FML
Today, I took some leftover Indian food to work, and commented to a coworker that I loved to cook recipes from other cultures. Later, I got a hearing with HR about cultural appropriation. The HR rep said, "Stick to plain chicken and boiled potatoes." FML
Today, I was excited to try out my new blender, but when I turned it on, the lid flew off and sprayed smoothie all over my kitchen. Now I have a fruity polka dot pattern on parts of my kitchen's walls and ceiling. FML
Today, I spent hours cooking dinner for my date. When they arrived, they told me that I'd probably not paid much attention to their dating profile, as it clearly mentioned that they were vegan, and thus couldn't eat any of the food I'd prepared. FML
Today, I made a healthy, delicious dinner. My girlfriend picked at it until it went cold, then stuck it in the fridge. Later, she devoured a giant bowl of sugary cereal, then complained all night that her stomach hurt. This happens a lot. FML
Today, I embarrassed myself and my husband at the wedding of one of his rich cousins by trying caviar for the first time, finding it unbearably disgusting, choking, spitting it out all over the table, and downing three glasses of water to stop myself coughing. Now they think I’m common as muck. FML
Today, the dentist told me I needed to have two of my wisdom teeth on opposite ends of my mouth pulled. I suppose a liquid diet won't be all that bad. FML
Today, I tried to save money by buying a generic brand of coffee instead of my usual brand. It tasted terrible and I ended up throwing it away. FML
Today, I found out that my parents secretly throw away any food I cook for them, because they think I might try to poison them. FML
Today, my daughter brought home her class hamster for the weekend. It escaped and we spent hours searching for it. We later found it in the fridge, eating our leftover pizza. I never knew hamsters had such a refined palate. FML
Today, I was so excited to finally try a new recipe that I found online. After hours of prep, I realized I misread the serving size and ended up cooking enough food to feed a small army. I don't have a freezer and I live in the middle of nowhere. FML
Today, I came into the kitchen to see how dinner was coming along. My mother was milling the meat around the skillet with the cat's poop scooper as a spatula. FML
Today, I reached into my fridge to grab a strawberry soda. I noticed the can had started to leak from the top so I slurped up the spilt red liquid on the top of the can. I realized it wasn't soda, but blood from a defrosting steak on the shelf above it. FML
Today, I spent all day carefully preparing a wonderful homemade beef and vegetable stew from scratch. Close to dinner time, I tasted it and it was inedibly salty. Confused, my horrifically bratty stepdaughter then laughed and admitted she poured salt in it because it wasn’t what she wanted for dinner. FML
Today, I decided I don’t need to restrict my consumption of shrimp anymore, which I used to do because they are so expensive. So, did I finally land a well-paying job? Nope. It's just that all the other kinds of seafood have risen so much in price that it doesn’t make any difference now. FML
Today, my little Pomeranian dog got onto the kitchen bench by jumping onto the washing basket, the bookcase, and over the window sill, and ate my daughter's birthday cake while I was in the bathroom. FML
Today, my stepbrother's attempt at making a snack resulted in the microwave catching on fire and the everlasting smell of burnt pizza rolls. FML
Today, after eating some fire noodles the day before, I took a nice long poop in my school's bathroom, only to find out there was no toilet paper left in any of the stalls. FML
Today, I was cutting a bagel, only to slice the back of my hand with the knife. As I grabbed paper towels to clean up the blood, I noticed that the bagel was pre-sliced. FML
Today, I took my date to a restaurant but I had no idea how picky of an eater she is. Our waiter had to practically use 3 pages in his notebook just to write down all her special requests for this single meal. By the end, I could see he really wanted to ask if she was being serious or taking the piss. FML
Today, at the vending machine at work, I selected a regular soda but a diet soda came out. It turns out the soda I did select was stuck behind the bottle of diet soda. Is the universe trying to tell me something? FML
Today, my cousin came by to visit, and we went out to a pizza restaurant for dinner. She’s a very picky eater, so much so that she takes the cheese off the pizza, despite me politely asking her not to. One of the chefs walks by, sees it, and yells, “What have you done to my beautiful pizza!?” at us. FML
Today, my boyfriend is an incredibly adventurous eater. We were on a road trip and stopped at a place that had "Fried brain sandwiches" and he insisted on trying one. He loved it. Just watching him eat it made me so sick that I still feel nauseous hours later. FML
Today, my brother had texted me, asking, "Why did you take Mom's chocolate? That's pathetic." I proceeded to swear on my own life that I didn't, but directly after that he sent me a picture of the wrapper in my room. FML
Today, my boss replaced me, with my 25 years experience, as head chef with her son, who has a GCSE in food studies from 15 years ago and hasn’t even worked a restaurant before. I’m sitting here, watching our customers send food back untouched because it’s so bad. This has ruined us. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thank you, your FML was submitted, and will appear the moderation soon!
