Today, after my coworker bought coffee for me for the fifth time, I thanked him and asked him why. Apparently it's the only way to get me to shut up in the morning so he can get work done. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, I was late for work and got chewed out by my boss. To console myself I decided to drink a cup of coffee and a cup of tea. My work provides this for free. When I did, my boss told me that in fact it wasn't, nor has it ever been, free; all this time I've been stealing other people's coffee. FML
Today, at 2 in the afternoon, I walked in on my 6-year-old making coffee. When I asked what he was doing, he said, "You were being grumpy, and you said coffee makes you not so grumpy." FML
Today, my boss made me come in at 10 a.m. instead of noon like he usually does. I’ve had nine cups of coffee and STILL can’t keep my eyes open. Why am I like this? FML
Today, after I spent years making fun of people who buy expensive coffee every morning instead of making it at home, and after I got a remote job and started living alone, I realized the barista at the café is currently the closest thing I have to a social life. Yesterday she remembered my order and I nearly felt emotional. FML
Today, the office coffee machine was relocated next to my desk. My co-worker insists on making several cups of the stuff per day, but instead of drinking it, he stands next to me, audibly swishes it through his teeth, gargles, and drools it back into the cup. I retch every single time. FML
Today, I'm an intern working in a company's reception area, which happens to have a coffee dispenser. As I'm the new girl, every client getting coffee wants to buy me one. I'm too polite to say no. It's 10:26 AM, and I'm on cup #17. FML
Today, my boss told me that my attitude to work is awesome and that he'd follow my example of coming in half-an-hour early every day from now on. I relish those 30 minutes as the only time I can get work done without him constantly interrupting me. So much for that. FML
Today, I found out that the nice guy who comes to my workplace every morning to bring me a smoothie also makes a point of putting his knob in it before giving it to me. Also, all my coworkers knew about this and think it's hilarious. FML
Today, I fell asleep at work. I got woke up by my boss with a coffee and a referral letter. FML
Today, I went to my favorite coffee shop, ordered my usual, smiled at the barista I have a crush on, and confidently said, "You too!" when they told me to enjoy my drink. I have to find a new coffee shop. FML
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Top comments
greenie213 23
At least he's honest. Now try shutting your mouth every now and again.
Pleonasm 35
Maybe you should get the hint, stop whining and enjoy your warm cup of shut the **** up.
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Comments (58)
ALlamaOnFire 20
I thought coffee was meant to have the opposite effect...
ironichalibut 24
At least you have coffee? He could've told you to shut-up in a way that didn't involve you getting free coffee.
ironichalibut 24
I meant this to go somewhere else entirely. While I'm here though, I agree, coffee makes me jittery and talkative, I thought that's what it was supposed I do.
alycion 38
While it makes some talkative, they still have to shut up while drinking it. I know when I worked in an office, I would often come in in the morning and do the most work because of ideas I had floating in my head from the night before. Others would take an hour or so to settle in and go talk with everyone. If I needed to be left alone to write code I would put on my headphones. In my office, that was the universal sign that someone needed to be left alone to get something done.
AKGirlinSD 20
^Valid point. Yes, coffee is usually used to wake people up and/or keep them going throughout the day. OP is probably quiet while drinking coffee. But the co-worker should have just told OP that work needs to be done and he doesn't have time to chit-chat.
greenie213 23
At least he's honest. Now try shutting your mouth every now and again.
AnyaS 19
And stop getting free coffee? OP needs to talk more! :p
JenkJenks 6
Tell him you will shut up for a latte and a muffin. If he wants to buy your silence he can do better than just coffee.
ironichalibut 24
At least you got coffee? He could've told you that you talk too much in a way that doesn't involve free coffee.
Unbweavable 17
Maybe you should reevaluate yourself. Maybe your a loud mouth. Or a bitch
possy 19
I see this as a win win for both parties. Free coffee for you, with a smile I'm sure and more productivity for the other. A good deed is done for the day!
possy 19
Ps, as a return gift for him, write a thank you note, along with some ear plugs!
karlcolt45 19
it's like a caffeinated pacifier! who's a good baby?? youuuu areeeee
Keevarou 17
I thought ninjas got most things for free
Pleonasm 35
Maybe you should get the hint, stop whining and enjoy your warm cup of shut the **** up.
Pleonasm 35
I'm on my coffee break, the boss didn't want to hear me make one more work related pun
SqueakyChipmunk 21
Would you like one of my shutthefuckup-cakes? Theyre like regular cupcakes, but once you take a bit, they expand in your mouth and prevent any sound from getting through. It may prevent oxygen from getting through too...
gymnastlove 4
no.
Gestpacho88 12
Mr. Pleonasm what are the ingredients for the cup of shut the **** up?
SqueakyChipmunk 21
You're just mad cause you choked on one. Wait, that didn't come out right.
DocBastard 38
I can officially be called a corpse until I have my coffee in the morning.
Pleonasm 35
Do they keep you in the morgue, and then give you a caffeine drip at an alotted hour? You must really be feared around the hospital if they regulate your biological state.
EpicSquishii 21
Coffee usually has the opposite effect on me haha.
perdix 29
#13, I'm guessing you've had your coffee today? ;)