Today, while at a private lake, my colon declared a state of evacuation. I ventured as far from my family as my sphincter would allow, only to make eye contact with two very horrified kayakers mid-explosion. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, against my wishes, my family and I went swimming with sharks. While in the shark cage, a shark got within a few feet of us. My cowardly bowels objected and caused me to shit myself. FML
Today, I was taking the biggest shit of my life. When I worked the thing out, it hit the water with such force that I got a toilet water enema from the backwash. I was so freaked out that I screamed and fell off the seat, prompting my husband to rush in to see what was wrong. FML
Today, I was kayaking with my friend. We figured it'd be awesome if I jumped from my kayak straight into his. Sounded good in theory. One flipped kayak, a pair of lost glasses, and a humiliating swim back to shore later, I'm starting to think it wasn't the best idea. FML
Today, I went on a walk with my family because I'm trying to be more active. We were near my son's school when I got a grumbling in my stomach. I rushed to find a place to take a dump. As I approached a Porta-Potty, my ass couldn't hold it any longer and I shit myself 20 feet away from the toilet. FML
Today, I really had to take a shit. My coworker had gone on lunch break and I was alone in the shop. There were no customers, so to the can I went. Cue a long series of loud wet farts and splashes, followed by the flush. I emerged to see the horrified face of some old lady and her grandson who'd heard everything. FML
Today, I went for a swim in the sea. It was early and I was the only one in the water. I swam out far, then my tummy rumbled big time. Next thing I knew, I'd shat my shorts. It went everywhere. I had to scoop the poop out with my hand and wash it off whilst swimming back to shore. I had to shower afterwards. FML
Today, I learned explosive diarrhea is real. I felt it coming and dashed into our local supermarket. Ten feet in, liquid poo started spewing down my pants' legs. 150 feet to go. I ran. It ran. They watched. After 15 minutes of cleaning, I slunk out. Now, I have to find a new supermarket, maybe a new town. FML
Today, I was at a water park when my stomach started to hurt. I didn’t think anyone was behind me so was I ripped ass so hard, I almost shat myself. However, there was someone behind me, and the look they gave me was disturbing. FML.
Today, I was on a first date with a girl at a lake. I felt my stomach rumble and knew I couldn’t make it to shore, so I dropped into the water and had violently diarrhea in the water. It started to bubble, and so I started splashing around, saying, “It’s cold” while she swam around me, in my shit water. I’ve never told her. FML
Today, I had to shit worse than I thought possible at work. I left my desk and hurried towards the bathroom, dropping trou as soon as the door closed. I then tripped over my pant leg, hit my head on the toilet, and came to some minutes later with my ass spewing diarrhea like a volcano. FML
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Top comments
Wizardo 34
The wording of this FML is as poetic as a mushroom cloud of faecal matter being emitted from thy anus OP, well done I approve.
buckerado 19
Imagine the look on their faces as a brown cloud appeared...
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Comments (101)
WompWompWomp123 7
holy shit, that sucks!
TheCanucklehead 22
No. I thought it was a good think he took this massive dump in front of the kayakers
TheCanucklehead 22
I can also imagine Kanye West stopping op and saying, "imma let you finish in a minute, but Kim had the greatest shit of all time"
The_Water_Ninja 9
@TheCanucklehead, you sir, have made my afternoon. haven't laughedd that good in a while
SwaggCapone 11
1....there's a button for that
Neptuneflyer 4
Come on guys it was a shit pun.
Fedezzer 20
I think "that blows" would've been more appropriate in this situation.
mrobdagod 9
Imagine what they were thinking
Krystal3408 32
They were horrified
NoMore_CoolNames 14
"I have never seen shit fly that fast"
ForwardUn2Dawn 18
Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit paddle fast.
lonewolf621 17
Fire in the hole!
ohSNAPyall 27
Why did you bring me to Shit Creek??
andits 21
That really stinks.....
assassinbanana0 20
So does your pun
venom2421 10
That was a pun? I thought that was just them being stupid and not being able to find the button that says that. Why can no one ever find it?!
caohm 18
fml broadcast here viewing one he'll comment today. #2 in complete desperation to be witty but also get the comment in before others MUST hit this comment out the park. *#2 looks nervous* it doesn't look she can think of anything so......oh no....... she goes for the oldest shit joke in the book this can't end well. let's see what happens. *she types the joke, she closes her eyes and wildly swings! ........oh nothing but air. it shame to see. tune in next on FML broadcast
caohm 18
I mean #3 Damn now our ratings will go down! what is this amateur hour?!
ApollosMyth 22
No 44, I usually find amateur hour to be funny. This was not.
buckerado 19
Imagine the look on their faces as a brown cloud appeared...
buckerado 19
Edit: I'm sure they understood that that was an uncontrollable act after the fact. Keep swimming OP, it'll come off after a few laps.
DocBastard 40
We're you AT the lake or IN the lake? Either way, I expect there was a shitstorm of yelling from the kayakers after your personal shitstorm.
Mossears133 15
I was thinking the same thing. It's one thing to be in the water and just quietly swim far away from the brown cloud of death, but it's a whole other thing to make eye contact whilst squatting and, erm, evacuating.
SirTalkaton 22
What a crappy situation. I bet their minds were blown!
Grauncho 27
Wow. Just don't.
j_729 18
At least he didn't say shitty situation
Grayness_ 26
I have no idea what you are talking about. But I'm just putting things here because. Well. Why not.
Poppy8127 15
He/she took a shit in front of two people. It's not hard to understand
michelleJ11 25
You, sir or ma'am, have wasted a comment. It's not too hard to reread the FML.
Grayness_ 26
It is when you speak English, Spanish and French.
Jayalferez 15
I dont think thats a good excuse their are many ppl that speak several languages and have no problem rereading the fml to understand
tacojauns 45
***** Ahoy
alshygirl 14
Your picture makes it look like a comment bubble is coming out of your ass lol
Wizardo 34
The wording of this FML is as poetic as a mushroom cloud of faecal matter being emitted from thy anus OP, well done I approve.
countryrose92 23
I agree
graffitied_love 20
Good use of personification. OP makes the colon sound so formal
Autocorrected 11
I read your comment, scanned the FML for a ":" but then realized what you meant. Well done.
Amama_fml 30
Yes! This is perfect! I think this might be my favorite FML ever, just because it is so wonderfully written! Great job OP!
RandomRaybay 13
I approve this message
confusedAsFuck 34
Well said indeed. I'm gonna memorize It by heart just in case
PandaSmile 24
I'm sure it was terrifying for the fish in the lake too! I hope you're ok though OP, it's never fun to shit yourself.