Today, I almost died. How? I nearly suffocated after passing out while chewing an entire pack of gum. I should really drink less. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, I was about to make out with my boyfriend, so I quickly swallowed my gum. Moments later, I started choking on the gum, and ended up spitting it out into his face. FML
Today, I was drinking a bottle of water. My friend came up from behind and scared me, causing me to inhale and choke on the water. Lacking air, I passed out. I awoke to him on the ground laughing his ass off. I almost drowned drinking a bottle of water. FML
Today, I fell asleep in class. If that wasn't bad enough, I awoke gasping for air. I almost drowned in my arm fat. FML
Today, I was singing while lying upside down chewing gum. My dad was trying to focus on the current football game and hushed me. I yelled, "No!" resulting in my gum becoming lodged in my windpipe. I shut up after all. FML
Today, since I've been enduring a sore throat, I got Chloraseptic lozenges to finally get a bit of relief. When I put one in my mouth, I nearly choked on it. Imagine that: trying to soothe your throat, and you almost die by accidentally obstructing it instead. The irony almost hurts even more than my throat does. FML
Today, I pulled a muscle in my face. Chewing gum. For the second time. FML
Today, I choked on water so hard that I threw up and shat myself. FML
Today, I took a cough drop to soothe my sore throat, only to choke, gag, and spend the next ten minutes at the point of vomiting because the bitter lozenge got stuck in my windpipe. FML
Today, I ate an entire pack of breath mints in preparation for a date. Instead of giving me fresh breath, it gave me a terrible case of diarrhea. FML
Today, in an effort to avoid my school's strict no-gum policy as my teacher made a b-line to me, I swallowed it. By the time the teacher reached me, the gum was on my desk, as well as my breakfast, thanks to my overactive gag reflex. FML
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Top comments
ladylilly25 20
Well, at least drunken you doesn't burn down orphanages or anything... just, you know, chews gum.
SexySlayer1248 18
Darwinism gives you the first one free
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Comments (75)
boofgall 16
Were you eating those delicious dessert gums? :)
RaggleFrock 13
What a gum idea.
Puffytruffles 18
You left me breathless.
mercifulbane 3
happens to the best of us
ladylilly25 20
Well, at least drunken you doesn't burn down orphanages or anything... just, you know, chews gum.
StalkerChick 13
Yea, deadly amount of gum. Way to go OP, you cheated death!
senor_awesome 14
Let's hope this near death experience and this comment don't give OP any ideas for their next drunken escapades...
sens3sfailing 24
(drunk talk) I swear oceifer! those orphans was all burned when I gots here! I was trying to do mythbusters and make a bigger flame next to the orpanage to put it out! what? thats a hospital next to the oarfanage? wow...that was dark...*seeks help*
wardo 4
48 -Did you really think anyone would think that was funny? I hate you.
ALlamaOnFire 20
You're being very harsh today wardo! You can hate someone you've never ever met. Unless it's Giovanna Plowman, that girl is NASTY!
SexySlayer1248 18
Darwinism gives you the first one free
AngrySailor 17
Thought that was spiderman? "Everybody gets one"
SexySlayer1248 18
I was gonna say that but not everyone gets the family guy reference
CsHx 16
Yes you really should drink less.
GemmaStyles 14
Thank you for stating the obvious
iOceanus 18
Don't drink and chew!
JJ_Rokk 10
Or chew less gum ;)
Kieraganion 13
You really shouldn't consider doing thongs like that while intoxicated. It would suck for your family to hear that you died of drinking and chewing.
Zebediabolical 43
I nearly spittaked when I read this. Mostly because I got an image in my head of a drunk eating a whole package of thongs!
dmoran20 27
Yeah, drinking and thongs can be a dangerous combo!
ElectricEffect 13
I agree. His footwear attire was completely inappropriate... Sandals are always a bad idea when intoxicated.
Alexweber929 14
I had to thumb this up just because it was a funny **** up
Abantiquo 7
Any non-Aussies getting confused about sandal reference in thread about thong underwear? Aussies call thongs g-strings and flip-flops thongs.
gc327072 30
44- a fair bit of us 'muricans say the same.
DanielleinDC 33
Yeah, and for some reason, I call the shoes flip-flops and the undergarments thongs--when I'm not callnig them butt floss. YDI, OP, but I'm sure you know this.
Catkam623 27
Bottoms up, thongs down:)
IOmnomHard 10
Or get smaller pieces of gum
iOceanus 18
Sorry to burst your bubble, but I don't think OP could handle any gum while intoxicated.
IOmnomHard 10
It was sarcasm, don't worry about my bubble. (There's a pun there somewhere...)
Eluveitie 9
I refuse to acknowledge it, 27.
dmoran20 27
For once I am at a loss for words... Glad you're ok though :-)
gmian 34
Then why comment if you're at a loss for words?
dmoran20 27
Obviously you didn't read where I said "glad your ok" as far as loss for words? Means I was shocked into silence.
whatafuckup 14
then please shutup
dmoran20 27
Sure thing #74 right after you choke on this dick. Never fails, always 1 punk who doesn't know their place. Run along now, and feel free to come back and enlighten us with those profound comments of yours....
waffule365 16
Know your limits OP
hayyyyleyyyybaby_fml 14
I love this, because it reminds me of when I was a kid, I tried to chew full packs of gum aaaall the time! Me as a child and drunk OP would have so much fun together.
Abantiquo 7
HIMYM game: "kid or drunk?"
MakeTodayADTR 20
Bazooka Joe strikes again...