Today, I got on a treadmill for the first time. I was running at a very high speed. I needed a break but didn't know how to get off. I decided to just let the machine take me to the edge so I could get off. I was thrown off the treadmill and landed with my happy sacks crashing into a dumbbell. FML

by King7 / 01/09/2010 at 5:17am / Pakistan (Sindh) / Health

Today, I was doing my paper round. I got to the last house and thought I had done everything right. I checked my list of houses, and I had done every single one wrong. I went and got all the papers back and delivered them again. That was when I realised I did them right in the first place. FML

by Harry / 01/09/2010 at 5:14am / United Kingdom (Solihull) / Work

Today, I got hit in the face with a piece of bacon. FML

by Face / 01/09/2010 at 5:12am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was awoken at 1:30am by a strange noise, and something tugging on my hair. I opened my eyes, to find a very large rat sitting on my pillow, chewing my hair. FML

by Fran / 01/09/2010 at 3:40am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved his flaming red hair. He told me that he loved the fuzz on my butt. FML

by Snowin2007 / 01/09/2010 at 3:16am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was driving on roads that were bad from two days of snow. I spun my car out, and ended up half-way in a ditch. Thinking that I could push my car out of the snow, I got out of my car, landing in waist deep snow. When trying to get back in, I fell neck deep into snow. FML

by warningxxLidell / 01/09/2010 at 1:45am / United States (Iowa) / Transportation

Today, while my kids were taking a nap in the other room, I masturbated while Dora The Explorer was on. I think I need to get out more. FML

by pervert / 01/09/2010 at 1:38am / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy

Today, my sister and I bought new cell phones. We both wanted the same phone in red, but the guy told us that there was only one red phone left. Flirting with him, I said "You should give the prettier sister the red phone." My new phone is black. FML

by Anonymous / 01/09/2010 at 12:58am / United States (Nevada) / Miscellaneous

lettertjes's comment : That's what you get when you fish for compliments.

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Today, I asked my mom if she thought I looked skinny in my shorts. She jiggled my leg fat, looked up at me and walked away. FML

by Ashy104 / 01/09/2010 at 12:36am / United States (Georgia) / Health

Today, I was wearing a shirt that had a picture of a squirrel and acorns with a caption reading "Protect Your Nuts". My dad walked up to me, read my shirt, then punched me in the balls. FML

by squirrel / 01/09/2010 at 12:01am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I looked at my father's facebook for the first time in a month to see his status and it said "making wedding plans!" Really? When was he planning on telling his own daughter. FML

by bitchface / 01/08/2010 at 11:08pm / United States (South Carolina) / Love

Today, I come home for lunch. I see a sandwich on the table with a note saying "I hope we can have a healthy new relationship, Love, Carissa." I see another note from my girlfriend next to it saying "I hope you enjoy your new relationship with Carissa." Carissa is my new step mother. FML

by SingleWorker / 01/08/2010 at 10:45pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on in his room. In a sexy voice, I asked him, "What are you thinking right now?" He replied, "I'm thinkin' Arby's." FML

by Anonymous / 01/08/2010 at 10:30pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy