Today, around 12 a.m., my pet parrot said a sentence I've never heard him say before. Usually this would be exciting, but considering he said, 'I killed the bird', and that one of my two love birds mysteriously died a few days ago, it's safe to say I'm now terrified. FML
by sweetie808 / 01/28/2016 at 3:39am / United States (Hawaii) / Animals
Crazion's comment : I think someone killed your bird. Just a hunch.
Today, I found out that I don't have to work tomorrow. Normally I would be thrilled to hear this, but not from the 6 o'clock news, doing a piece on my work's rat infestation and indefinite shut down. FML
by imahater07 / 01/28/2016 at 2:02am / United States (California) / Work
by Anonymous / 01/27/2016 at 9:44pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Work
Today, after weeks of watching Michael Jackson videos non-stop, my boyfriend learned how to moonwalk. Now he does it literally everywhere. I can't even cross the street without him moonwalking behind me. FML
by Anonymous / 01/27/2016 at 7:24pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
wheresthesafety's comment : Um... Your boyfriend is awesome.
by westwoodcosmo / 01/27/2016 at 5:35pm / United States (Arizona) / Work
by Anonymous / 01/27/2016 at 2:43pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Standupmast3r's comment : Maybe the stork brought it.
by Anonymous / 01/27/2016 at 12:11pm / United States (Minnesota) / Love
Today, at my daughter's fundraiser, I noticed that a guy with a face only a fist could love kept staring at her. I said "Beautiful, isn't she?" Before I could tell him to keep it in his damned pants, he replied "Hah. She's my girlfriend, dude. Total beast in the sack." Complete news to me on both counts. FML
by Anonymous / 01/27/2016 at 11:35am / United States (Kansas) / Kids
Today, my girlfriend made a patronising post on Facebook, "to all you guys out there" saying how having sex with a drunk person is straight-up, 100% rape. I pointed out that she's had sex with me several times after I've come home drunk. That pissed her off. Now I'm single. FML
by 404: Sanity Not Found / 01/27/2016 at 10:35am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous
Today, my friends and I were goofing off playing tag behind the local church, when I heard a banshee-like wail behind me. Assuming it was one of my friends, I wailed right back and ran. Turned out there was actually a funeral going on, and the wail was from one of the bereaved. FML
by Anonymous / 01/27/2016 at 8:30am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous
Today, I woke up with a pounding headache. My wife tells me that last night I woke up from a nightmare, screaming, tried to run away and knocked myself out running headfirst into the bedroom wall. So she put me back to bed and went back to sleep. FML
by oliver / 01/27/2016 at 7:02am / United States / Health
by NotYourToy / 01/27/2016 at 2:59am / United States (New York) / Work
Today, my girlfriend came home and spontaneously wanted to have sex for the first time in about a year. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and had just came from an AA meeting. She reeked of alcohol, I couldn't get hard because of it and she got pissed at me. She says she won't be spontaneous again. FML
by FullCircleProblem / 01/27/2016 at 1:04am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy