Today, my parents searched my younger sister's phone because she had been acting suspiciously. I asked my mom if she was going to search mine too. She laughed and said, "Sweetie, your phone is probably even duller than mine!" FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2015 at 8:47pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

CoGhostRider's comment : Now you're free to do as you wish

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Today, while shopping, I suddenly got the terrible urge to use the bathroom. I already had several items and my 5-year-old niece in tow, so I hurried to checkout. I ended up pissing myself. FML

by Lydlsis / 10/30/2015 at 7:53pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I made a Facebook post about my upcoming driving test. My grandpa said he knew I would succeed, prompting my idiot boyfriend to reply "For sure, she really knows how to suck seed ;)" followed by him liking his own comment. FML

by not anymore / 10/30/2015 at 7:29pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

pliskon_snake's comment : There's a fine line between trying to be funny and disrespect towards family. I'm pretty certain your boyfriend just crossed it with a huge leap.

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Today, I finally stood up to the guy who's been bullying me for the last 2 years. Even though he's been caught in the act several times, he never gets punished, so I figured I'd get away with gut-punching him. Nope. An hour later, I was suspended from school. FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2015 at 6:22pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

MonkeeArtz's comment : You may have gotten suspended, but he now know what you can and will do. Don't see this entirely as a problem, as it may have been your solution.

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Today, as I rung up a customer's groceries, he gave me a pitying look and said I'd have a "real job" if I'd only studied harder. FML

by prick / 10/30/2015 at 5:53pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Work

Today, our family bought a new car. When we got home, I opened the trunk to get my backpack. It turns out I left it in the trunk of our trade-in. The dealership is closed now and I have a presentation due tomorrow. FML

by forgetful / 10/30/2015 at 5:16pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, in an effort to look more professional at work, I wore high heels. My boss decided today would be a great day for me to walk around on the sidewalk holding a sign to advertise instead of doing the job I was hired for. FML

by whythebunny / 10/30/2015 at 2:56pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I dropped my phone between my legs and tried to catch it with my thighs. Instead, the phone fell through just as I crushed my own balls with my legs. FML

by MedChew / 10/30/2015 at 1:01pm / Malaysia (Kuala Lumpur) / Health

Today, when I went out to get some groceries with my mother, a small girl came up to me and said I was an "ugly egg" because I'm a bald girl. I had to shave my head in order to have brain surgery to relieve me of the symptoms of my neurological disorder. FML

by an egg / 10/30/2015 at 9:43am / United States (Michigan) / Health

ven980's comment about their FML

Today, I had to bail my brother out of jail after he punched a convenience store clerk in the face for running out of Cheetos. FML

by ven980 / 09/04/2013 at 3:00am / United States (Oklahoma)

ven980

Hey OP here. I just wanted to add a little detail to this story. My brother had just come from a bachelor party and was very drunk so he called me for...

Today, I was invited to my friend's wedding. I wouldn't mind, but she chose her now fiancé over me, despite him being in prison for assault, a heroin addict and a general dick. This was all because I accidentally called her stupid three years ago. FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2015 at 9:27am / United Kingdom (East Lothian) / Love

Today, my stomach growled so loud in class that a boy sitting next to me thought his phone had vibrated. FML

by qourt / 10/29/2015 at 11:21pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my roommate broke into my spice cabinet so he could get high off of my nutmeg. FML

by GonnaLockUpMySpices / 10/29/2015 at 9:34pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous