Today, I decided to sunbathe in my backyard in an attempt to be healthy. The result? Insect bites over my body. Somehow, despite being fully clothed the entire time, my scrotum also received several bites. FML

by julian1 / 08/19/2015 at 7:34am / United States (Florida) / Health

Dilwann's comment : Sunbathing isn't really healthy. If you need vitamin D, you might as well just go on a walk, walk to the store, go biking or whatever. Sunbathing while laying still is actually quite 'dangerous' (sunburns etc).

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Today, I found out the girl I met online, who I spent hours talking to every day for the past 2 months, and who I fell in love with is actually my gay roomate. He says if I could fall in love with "her", I can fall in love with him. It doesn't work that way, dickhead. FML

by Anonymous / 08/19/2015 at 2:32am / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Love

buckstop1's comment : Your roommate sounds like a real pain in the ass

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Today, my husband decided he'd rather jerk off to the Wii Fit trainer than have sex with me. FML

by lonelygal69 / 08/19/2015 at 1:54am / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

jenninator93's comment : Did he explicitly jerk off instead of having sex with you? Or are you just insecure after finding out what his jerk-material is? Just curious, two very different scenarios lol

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Today, my mom kissed me goodbye before I went to a big job interview. I got weird looks on the way there, but I figured it was just because I look like a massive douche in formal wear. Turns out my mom had smeared lipstick all over my chin. The person who finally let me know was my interviewer. FML

by Anonymous / 08/19/2015 at 1:49am / United States (California) / Work

Today, my boyfriend is so ashamed of me that when someone asked how far along my pregnancy is, he quickly replied "5 months now!" instead of telling them I'm not actually pregnant. FML

by Anonymous / 08/19/2015 at 1:15am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I am two months pregnant. Being super hormonal, I was crying about how much I was crying. My husband put his arms around me to comfort me, and I sobbed so hard that I threw up all over him. FML

by Anonymous / 08/18/2015 at 6:55pm / United States (Utah) / Love

Today, a woman at the retirement home I work at told me she was new and asked me a few questions. I asked her when she moved in. She was a new coworker, not a new resident. FML

by Anonymous / 08/18/2015 at 5:08pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through charades. FML

by I hate games / 08/18/2015 at 4:17pm / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, my dad called to wish me a happy birthday. I said thank you but informed him that my birthday is tomorrow. He told me that I was wrong and screamed at me for 20 minutes. When I still wouldn't agree with him, he hung up and turned my phone service off. FML

by InterestingMuch / 08/18/2015 at 10:48am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I woke up from the most sensual dream I've had in months. Unfortunately, despite it being better than any action I've had in a long time, the dream was about me fucking a donut. FML

by Anonymous / 08/18/2015 at 9:26am / United States (New Hampshire) / Intimacy

Today, I was telling my dad how my boyfriend dumped me yesterday. He responded by blowing his nose into his hand, wiping it in my hair, then saying "There, a REAL problem to whine about." FML

by Anonymous / 08/18/2015 at 8:34am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, it's been a week since I started farting in my sleep for no apparent reason. It's so frequent and so foul-smelling that my husband and I are both losing sleep and are having to take afternoon naps to make up for it. FML

by Fartnonymous / 08/18/2015 at 6:59am / Qatar (Ad Dawhah) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my grandma sleeps in the nude. I witnessed her running naked from her bedroom to the bathroom, because she "didn't have enough time" to put on her robe. I need to get my own place. FML

by IrisKitty / 08/18/2015 at 3:07am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous