Today, it has got to the point that I don't even have to ask for my booze in the local off-licence, they just hand me my bottle. FML

by Cian_1 / 12/28/2015 at 1:30pm / United Kingdom (Kent) / Health

hkhan24's comment : there was one case where an old lady would order the same pizza everyday for three years without fail to the point where they would cook it before she even phoned. One day when she didn't call the driver went to her house to check on her and found she suffered a stroke. moral of the story: your alcoholism could one day save your life!

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Today, while on the road, my dad called twice before I pulled over and answered the phone. He first got mad at me for not answering, and then again later for "paying attention to my phone" while driving. FML

by Anonymous / 12/28/2015 at 10:03am / United States (Kansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, on my day off, despite working a night shift the night before I was up early to clean and cook all day to spoil my boyfriend. At 10 p.m. when I finally settled down into the bathtub, my phone rang. It was work, asking where I was for my shift. I didn't have the day off. FML

by MadelynGraceS / 12/28/2015 at 1:56am / United States (Indiana) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Miss_Chevious's comment : At least it wasn't your boyfriend breaking up with you on the phone.

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Aggressive's comment about their FML

Today, my husband and I threw a party with non-alcoholic wine. No one acted wasted, until in the last hour my grandmother started slurring her words and slumping. We thought she was joking, until a doctor at the party confirmed she was having a stroke. FML

by Aggressive / 07/09/2013 at 4:54am / Ireland (Dublin)

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Aggressive

Hello everyone. She's doing very well now! The doctors at the hospital told us it was only a minor stroke luckily. We were extremely lucky to have a d...

Today, my daughter fell asleep early, so my husband and I decided to get frisky. He passed out mid blow job. FML

by ThreeWeeksWithoutSex / 12/28/2015 at 12:43am / United States (California) / Intimacy

thawny's comment : You know, I was totally expecting this to go a completely different way. That blows.

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Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate for the first time when she noticed I only have one testicle. She immediately broke up with me, for she doesn't want her future sons to be gay because they'll only have half of their testosterone. FML

by Anonymous / 12/27/2015 at 11:46pm / United States (Iowa) / Intimacy

Today, I had a dream where I was having the best sex of my life. With Donald Trump. My boyfriend hasn't stopped laughing. FML

by whatthefuck / 12/27/2015 at 6:22pm / United States (Utah) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend's dad came onto me. I was shocked and awkwardly tried to exit the situation. My boyfriend then sprang out and started shouting at me. Apparently, it was a "test" to see if I would still be attracted to him in 30 years. I failed. What. The. Fuck. FML

by _schaden_freude / 12/27/2015 at 12:31pm / United Kingdom (Kent) / Love

Today, after weeks of keeping it a secret, I excitedly gave my boyfriend what I thought to be the perfect Christmas present. Turns out lock picking sets are illegal in Ohio. FML

by BahHumbug / 12/27/2015 at 12:18am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I worked a short shift at work, getting sent home early because it was slow. In the time I was gone, my family decided surprise me by rearranging my room and put in my new desk. They also surprised me when I learned that they'd spilled a slushie on my very expensive computer. FML

by welp / 12/27/2015 at 12:08am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, my friend insisted I wear her brand new hoodie for the day. When I gave it back after a few hours, she said she just needed it stretched and couldn't find someone fatter to stretch it for her. FML

by Anonymous / 12/26/2015 at 9:07pm / United States (New Mexico) / Miscellaneous

Today, my father is really enjoying the iPhone my mother gave him for Christmas. He's enjoying it so much that he's already installed all sorts of dating apps. FML

by Anonymous / 12/26/2015 at 7:38pm / Brazil (Santa Catarina) / Love

Today, I woke up to my wife yelling at my 11-year-old because she found porn on the laptop. Now I have to come clean and tell her it was me so I can get him off the hook. FML

by oldskoolfun / 12/26/2015 at 6:04pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids