Today, I decided to try something new and sign up for an online dating service, since I can't meet a decent guy in person. The first guy I talked to told me he used to be in a mental hospital for obsessing over a girl, then told me he would be dreaming of me that night. FML

by CreepedOut / 08/29/2010 at 3:45pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Love

Today, I was chosen out of 64 women to model for the catalog of a new clothing store. Just when my self-confidence took a dramatic boost, I looked at the evaluation sheet. I was picked due to attributes such as my "extra large figure and average face" to make below average women feel beautiful. FML

by apparentlyugly / 08/29/2010 at 1:51pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend sat me down to reassure me that his competitive, possessive ex-wife will not come between us or ruin our relationship. Mid-conversation, his phone rang. It was her, and he left to answer it. FML

by ForgottenAgain / 08/29/2010 at 12:58pm / United States (Tennessee) / Love

Today, I found out that my very expensive and beautiful smelling perfume attracts wasps. Whenever I go out, wherever I am, I am followed by multiple wasps. FML

by unluckiestperson / 08/29/2010 at 11:45am / United Kingdom (Suffolk) / Animals

Today, I walked in on my mom giving my dad head. Acting like I hadn't seen anything, I asked if I could use a towel sitting on the dresser. My mom said, "No, we're going to need that one." FML

by bkay26 / 08/29/2010 at 11:37am / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend was talking with his friends about how long girls take to get ready (hair, make-up, etc.). I said, "I never spend a long time getting ready..." He then looked at me and said, "maybe you should." FML

by ILoveFML / 08/29/2010 at 10:14am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, my grandmother died. No one called me to let me know she passed. I found out because people kept writing RIP on her Facebook wall. My siblings and I weren't even mentioned in her obituary with the other grandchildren, but they did remember to mention her dog. FML

by katta2009 / 08/29/2010 at 7:29am / United States (New Jersey) / Animals

Today, I was having sex with a really hot guy, when suddenly he pulled out and told me that "he had another fat chick meeting him in twenty minutes." FML

by Anonymous / 08/29/2010 at 3:27am / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy

Today, I learned to never shave your downstairs when you have the hiccups. FML

by yggiz / 08/29/2010 at 1:02am / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, my dad walked in on me singing "Bohemian Rhapsody", while spinning in circles with the cat in my arms. I thought I was home alone. FML

by Hobbsie / 08/29/2010 at 12:54am / Canada (Ontario) / Animals

nebula748's comment : The cat was thinking "MAMA MIA MAMA MIA LET ME GO!"

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Today, I took my date out for dinner to a seafood restaurant and she ordered expensive prawns. Later, when we had sex, she started to complain about her stomach hurting and then had diarrhea for hours. Great job prawns. FML

by Matt / 08/29/2010 at 12:53am / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy

Today, I wanted to go clubbing with my friends. I started drinking at home to save on the price of drinks, instead I fell asleep on my couch. FML

by constantine / 08/29/2010 at 12:47am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend of six months broke up with me because of 'creative differences', as she put it. The real reason is that we couldn't decide which cupboard the plates should have gone in. FML

by nottelling7012 / 08/29/2010 at 12:21am / Australia (Victoria) / Love