Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML

by CaoiiBieber / 07/17/2011 at 3:15pm / Ireland / Health

JayBear14's comment : how does that work?

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Today, an argument broke out between me, my girlfriend, and her sister. They were trying to convince me that not only were fairies real, but there were "scientific facts" that "prove" their existence. My girlfriend's 20 and her sister teaches primary school. FML

by Fairymyass / 07/17/2011 at 12:01pm / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous

salyssac's comment : fuck you! fairies are real! get over yourself!

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Today, my husband decided that the best way to deal with me eating the last chocolate chip muffin was to give me the silent treatment. Normally, I'd just get over his childish behavior, but we're on a fifteen hour car trip back home with our one year old. FML

by twelfinity / 07/17/2011 at 12:00pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Yarrachel's comment : I'd be pissed if the chocolate chip muffins were gone too, but your husband needs to get over it. Looks like you are making a car trip with two kids.

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Today, I had to endure a long story about how and why my brother shaves his pubes. FML

by Username / 07/17/2011 at 11:21am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, in front of family and friends, as I got down on one knee, my girlfriend fainted. Her father, a lawyer, rushed over and said, "Anything she says for the next 72 hours is not legally binding" and whisked her away. FML

by bigjohn106 / 07/17/2011 at 8:34am / United States (Maryland) / Love

Today, I spotted my girlfriend in a store. She didn't notice me, so I went behind her, put my hands over her eyes, and said "Guess who." I got an elbow to the groin and mace to the face. While I was rolling on the ground in pain, she simply said, "Serves you right" and walked away. FML

by Anonymous / 07/17/2011 at 4:43am / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, I surprised my four year old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it 'Horny.' FML

by douglas / 07/17/2011 at 3:14am / United States (Washington) / Kids

Today, while I was waitressing, two girls ran up a tab of $60 in drinks. They ended up not paying the bill and walking out. My boss told me it won't be the first time or last, as he made me pay their bill. FML

by sfabsits / 07/17/2011 at 3:00am / United States (Illinois) / Money

Today, I was at a club with my friends, when a group of guys approached us. It got quiet for a second, and I heard one of them say, "It's okay, I've got the fat one this time," then walk over and start talking to me. FML

by grenade / 07/17/2011 at 2:24am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, at work, our team started a new sales strategy of selling flowers to men by asking them to buy one for their lovely ladies. The first guy I ask ends up crying and telling me his wife passed away a week ago. The woman with him was actually his sister. FML

by Auston / 07/17/2011 at 1:16am / United States (South Carolina) / Work

Today, I Googled my ex-husband only to find that in the years since we've split he now fancies himself as a stand-up comic. His material? Our sex life. FML

by it_IS_just_me / 07/17/2011 at 12:20am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, while working at Subway, a man ordered a sub with avocado. When I told him it was no longer available, he screamed, spit in my face and ran out, pushing over an innocent bystander in the process. FML

by sandwichmaker / 07/16/2011 at 10:46pm / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, my mother told me I'm going to get lung cancer. Because she smokes. FML

by imobesejk / 07/16/2011 at 8:19pm / United States (Ohio) / Health