Rupit Raghav

Today, my best friend asked me to be the best man at his wedding. I had to decline because the bride's family has deep prison gang ties and I'm a correctional officer. FML

Paranoia

Today, my girlfriend got super paranoid when I received flowers, along with a card saying what a "lovely time" the sender had last weekend. My girlfriend decided this was proof I'd cheated on her. The card was signed "Vanessa," which is also her mother's name. Who stayed with us last weekend. FML