Parky03

Today, I found out the girl I've been trying to date for six months is gay. FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

Today, a completely drunk girl walked across the bar and punched me in the face because I was wearing the same dress as her, and her boyfriend had said it looked better on me. While I was screaming at her for being a stupid bitch, she puked all over me, wiped her mouth, and laughed before she passed out. FML

Today, I got mugged by someone wearing a bear suit. FML

Today, I asked out a girl I like to a movie. She said "I hate babysitting." FML

Today, thinking I was alone in a public bathroom, I started singing the words to my favorite song. A minute later that I heard a toilet flush, so I just sat there petrified. The other person sarcastically picked up the singing from where I left off. FML

Secret life

Today, my roommates thought I wasn't home and started talking about me. Apparently I'm a lesbian, devil worshiper, and an alcoholic. I didn't know my life was so fascinating. FML

Today, for the first time, I beat my brother in a game of CoD. Not being a gamer, I was ecstatic. Later, when I was in the shower, my brother snuck in the bathroom, yelled "Napalm strike!" and threw our cat over the shower curtain like a furry grenade from hell. FML

Today, my girlfriend hummed the Jeopardy theme while I was trying to undo her bra. FML

Today, I told a girl that she had very pretty eyes. I then had to rinse pepper spray from my own. FML

Today, I was stuck in the bathroom yelling for someone to get me toilet paper. My grandpa slips a small leaf under the door and says, "This is what I used in my day." FML