BudderDaWarrior

hypebeast 28 January 2009, 15:00 United States

Today, I posted on a forum asking if I could be a moderator. Instead, I got banned. FML

65 comments

JessP 26 February 2009, 23:28 United States 🌶️ Spicy

Dumb move

Today, my boyfriend and I ordered sex toys online and had them delivered to my dorm room. I put my parents' address for the billing information because I didn't want the bill sent to my dorm after I moved out. The toys were sent to my parents' house instead. FML

43 comments

dumbo 29 May 2009, 20:14 United States

Pennywise gonna get you

Today, I was sitting in my basement watching IT. I heard a knocking at my door and turned the outside lights on to see a clown outside staring in at me. I freaked out and began screaming and jumping around like a Chihuahua on drugs. My friends told me it should be on YouTube within the week. FML

259 comments

Anonymous 9 July 2009, 07:35 🌶️ Spicy

Come again

Today, I gave my boyfriend a spontaneous blowjob while we were watching TV. After he finished, I tried to pull a sexy move I'd seen in a porno by zipping his pants back up with my teeth. His foreskin got caught in the zipper and we spent the next few hours in the emergency room. FML

241 comments

Tai 31 October 2010, 13:30 Australia 🌶️ Spicy

Precaution

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I came. She got pissed and slapped me really hard for coming inside her because she didn't want to get pregnant. 1. I was wearing a condom. 2. She's on the pill. 3. We were having anal sex. FML

432 comments

Anonymous 19 April 2011, 15:06 United States

Today, I was taking a crap in a public stall when three kids broke down the door and pelted me with eggs. FML

222 comments

nopissleft 20 December 2013, 21:05 Stockholm, Sweden

Today, I woke up to a loud crashing in the middle of the night. I went to investigate, but found nothing amiss. Nothing except an axe firmly wedged in my front door, that is. It's safe to say that I have no clue who did it, and that I needed a fresh pair of underwear. FML

108 comments

Anonymous 11 June 2014, 22:20 Barnhart, United States 🌶️ Spicy

Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having a bizarre dream where I was having sex with Homer Simpson, when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell on me, crushing me to death. I think my brain needs a douching. FML

114 comments

Alex 20 June 2014, 22:05 Greenford, United Kingdom

Today, my dad told me that I was conceived while he and my mother were high on LSD. He then stared into the distance, mumbled "Probably explains a few things" and chuckled to himself. FML

46 comments