Single
Today, I came home to my wife crying. She had mixed up our newborn twin girls and couldn't tell which was which. I looked at the girls. Neither could I. FML
TODAY, I PRESSED CAPS LOCK ON MY LAPTOP AND THE KEY GOT STUCK. NOW ALL OF MY LETTERS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. FML
Today, I surprised my four year-old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it "Horny". FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I have never read any of the Harry Potter books. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was time to lose our virginity. After our clothes were removed, we spent 30 minutes trying to figure out how to actually have sex, and eventually gave up. FML
Today, my daughter had just left for a date with her boyfriend. All of a sudden, she runs back in the house screaming "I forgot to take my birth control!" That is not something a father wants to hear. FML
Today, is the first weekend I have off this summer. Instead of letting me see my friends, my dad printed out a practice SAT exam. I've already taken the SAT. He just "doesn't want me to get rusty". FML
Today, I teach English in Taiwan. I got two new students, brothers named Harry and Potter. People, they're children, not pets. FML
Today, my five year old ran down the street wearing nothing but flip flops, Star Wars underwear, and a baseball helmet. He was swinging a badminton racket while screaming "THIS IS SPARTA!" My neighbors watched laughing as I had to run after him down the street in my pajamas. FML
Today, I was the 19th wheel at a party. Yes, I counted. FML
Today, I thought about how my dad went to get me a Halloween costume and hasn't come home yet. That was 11 years ago. We've moved twice since then. FML
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