Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML
Today, I was running by a school and saw that a deer had caught his antlers in the fence. I felt bad for it so I tried to help it free. Finally, he became unstuck. Then he rammed his antlers into my hip. Now I can't run in the marathon I have been training for a year to race in. FML
Today, my mother finally had her beloved Siamese cat cremated. The cat has been dead for over a week and she has been keeping it on her bed, stroking its fur and saying, "She looks like she's sleeping" and "She's so cold." To top it all off, she's been calling me by the cat's name for three years. FML
Today, I left the iron and ironing board in my room. While I was at school, my mom decided to do some ironing, and did it in my room for convenience. The iron needed water, so she took a water bottle from my dresser and poured it in. It was my secret vodka stash, and the iron caught on fire. FML
Today, I had my first job interview and didn't have much of an appetite because of the nerves, so I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview, I was so stoned I couldn't speak. FML
Today, I was on the phone with a prospective blind date. He asked me to describe myself, so I said that I was fun, attractive, and a little chubby but not fat. My 7 year-old sister walked up to me and screamed, "Jesus doesn't like it when we lie!" FML
Today, my mom put some bubblewrap on my desk because she thought I would have fun with it. I'm 18. It was awesome. FML
Today, after not seeing my boyfriend for 9 months, he came to meet me at the airport. I was so excited when I first saw him that I broke into a sprint to greet him. Apparently, running through the airport looks suspicious, because a security guard tackled me. Now I have a broken nose. FML
Today, my mom explained to me that looking up gay porn on the internet is bad. I didn't look up gay porn. The only other person who uses the laptop is my dad. I couldn't tell her the truth and had to pretend I enjoy gay fanfiction. FML
Today, while giving a lecture about gasses to a large chemistry class, I went outside to let loose an unusually loud fart while they took some notes. I came back in only to see 300 students dying of laughter. I had left the wireless mic on. FML
Today, I went into work. After three years of working 55 hours a week, they fired me by putting the contents of my locker at the front door, with a note that said "If not picked up by 10:00 am stuff will be donated." I work the night shift. I just lost three sweaters, two pairs of shoes, $60, and my job. FML
Today, I picked my car up from the shop. After 5 minutes I noticed the oil and check engine light on. I pulled over, then the engine shut off completely. Turns out they forgot to put oil back in my car. I'll be needing a new engine. FML
Today, I found out that my sister, who is 16 years older than me, is actually my biological mother. She and my parents decided it was best that I didn't know who my real mother was, and to be raised by my grandparents as their child. I've always hated my sister. FML
Today, my fiancé and I met his mother for lunch to discuss wedding plans. When we got there, I went to the bathroom to wash my hands. I heard a woman talking on her cell phone in the stall about her son's "disgusting, slutty girlfriend." The toilet flushed and my future mother-in-law walked out. FML
Today, I was shopping in a packed store when I started to feel faint. Since I was quite far along in the queue, I tried to hold out until I reached the front of the queue. Good news: I succeeded. Bad news: I then fainted at the counter, hit my nose, and shit myself. FML
Today, I took my cat to the vet. He said he felt a strange lump that could be serious. I got really upset and picked her up, crying. The vet then told me I had to put her down. Absolutely devastated by having to euthanize my cat, I passed out. He meant I had to put her back on the table. FML
Today, my friends thought it would be funny to rub Tabasco sauce on my household toilet paper. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
