idrownfish

Today, the bank I use lost 5 billion. FML

Today, I was singing to my cat and she reached up and put her paw over my mouth. FML

Today, I went to a fast-food joint and ordered off the $1.00 menu to save money. Five hours later I go to the hospital with food-poisoning. After a whole day of not eating, crapping, puking, having tests, and a bunch of IV fluids, my $1.00 burger ended up costing me $2,000 in bills. Really. FML

Today, I had my first appearance in a court as an attorney. I called the prosecution the prostitution. FML

So sorry

Today, I was hurrying for the bus home from work. It was raining and I had my umbrella up. As I hurried by two women, I felt my umbrella hit one of them on the head. I turned to apologise and saw her standing with her hands on her newly bald head. My umbrella had lifted her wig off her head. FML

Today, I had one more gift to buy: a copy of Fight Club. I asked a person working at Best Buy if they had any in stock. The man wouldn't sell me the last copy because I had broken the first two rules. FML

Today, I learned that when you put duct tape over your mouth because you are bored, it really hurts taking it off. FML

Today, I found out exactly what Ducolax stool softener is all about. Holy colon cleanse Batman! FML

Sigma grindset

Today, I went to the pharmacy and asked the very attractive pharmacist what to do about the terrible itching under my cast. She told me to "be a man and deal with it." FML

Today, I was really bored and decided to annoy my mom while she was doing the dishes. I walked up behind her, touched her shoulder, and said "Poke". She then donkey kicks me straight in the nuts saying "Kick". I know now to never bug my mom when she's in a bad mood. FML

Today, at martial arts practice, a guest sensei wanted to teach me some "manners". He pinned me down and proceded to choke me while crushing my nuts with his hands and yelling at me in front of the whole class, "DOES THAT HURT?!!?" FML

Today, my cat managed to lock my dad and me outside of our house. FML

Today, I was wearing a shirt that had a picture of a squirrel and acorns with a caption reading "Protect Your Nuts". My dad walked up to me, read my shirt, then punched me in the balls. FML