Miss 32 years-old
Today, my best friend slapped me and called me a some colorful words before telling me that she never wanted to talk to me again because I supposedly slept with her boyfriend. Not only am I a virgin, but I'm a lesbian. FML
Today, I was going to have sex with my Hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "fuck me" in Spanish. She claimed it was 'pollo frito'. I then had sex, constantly screaming 'pollo frito' for an hour. I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken." FML
Today, I took the bus to work. A sweet old lady got on after and sat next to me. Halfway there, she fell asleep, her head on my shoulder. I gently tried to wake her up before my stop. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML
Today, I was playing one on one soccer with a girl like. I accidentally kicked the ball right into her face. The ball rolled back towards me and as I was running to see if she was ok, I kicked the ball… right into her face again. FML
Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death", otherwise known as my dildo. FML
Today, I was playing around with my sister's kitten. As a joke, I put him underneath the sheets and farted. He attacked my nuts. FML
Today, I'm travelling to England for an important meeting. I'm Norwegian, and my name is Bård. I have to introduce myself as "bored" the whole day, because that's how my name is pronounced. FML
Today, my cat died while walking around the kitchen. He had a heart attack when the toaster popped out two slices of bread. FML
Today, I was startled awake at 4am by a loud and awful sound. Completely serious, I asked my fiancé if he had just shit his pants. His response: giggles followed by a softly whispered "maybe". FML
Today, I dreamed I was getting married. I was wearing a white dress, had incredible cleavage and perfectly done makeup. Just one problem. I'm a guy. FML
Today, I was answering a text from one of my students asking me if they could retake a test. I thought I'd texted back, "No, you can't." Auto correct had used a more frequently used word: "No, you cunt." FML
Today, my boyfriend came over to have dinner with my parents. They got quite drunk, and my mom shouted at him, "Have you had sex with my daughter?" As he was shaking his head, my dad said, "I have" in a really creepy voice, thinking it would be funny. It wasn't. FML
Today, I was pulled over by a cop. He asked for my license and registration, so I reached for my center console. I was then greeted with a gun to my ear because my coffee cup supposedly looked like a gun. I stepped out of my car to apologize, and I was hit with a big stick. FML
Today, I found out that my neighbors' 9 year old son has been the one taking a shit on my doorstep everyday. Why? Because Cartman from South Park said that if you keep doing it, the person in the house will move. FML
Today, I was at Walmart with my mom when a guy next to me let out a series of vicious farts. Assuming it was me, my mom chewed me out in front of the guy and made me apologize. The man looked at my mom and said, "Children, they're so immature." FML
Today, I finally found out who has been hacking my email account to send dirty messages to my teacher. My dad. FML
Today, I came home to my front door open and a homeless man taking a 'bath' in my sink. If this wasn't bad enough, he refused to leave because 'finders keepers!' FML
Today, I found out my mom intentionally puts extra butter and oil in the food she cooks for me because she wants me to be fatter than her. FML
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