Nottingham, USA 41 years-old
Today, I got an email from a local company looking to have a website made. I looked over their request and provided them with a reasonable offer. I got an email back stating that they would like to pay me with liquor instead of money. FML
Today, I spent hours trying to get a piece of food out of my two front teeth. I didn't have anything I could use, until I went out to dinner and got a toothpick. I finally got the food out of teeth. The toothpick broke. Now the tip of the toothpick is stuck in my teeth. FML
Today, as my boyfriend was about to go down on me, he held his breath and said, "I'm going in!" FML
Today, while I was in my room sleeping, my little brother deemed it necessary to come in and drop a book on my face. When I sat up with a now bloody nose, he looked at me, pointed, and said "You've just been Facebooked" and ran away giggling. FML
Today, I had to sell my phone to pay for the phone bill. FML
Today, my father who left my family over 10 years ago and never contacted us or paid child support, poked me on Facebook. FML
Today, it's official, we measured. My boyfriend's manboobs are bigger than my breasts. FML
Today, I discovered that I'm short enough to be legally considered a midget. My daughter now wants to bring me to school for show and tell. FML
Today, I was at work as a grocery store cashier. I felt a hand slap my ass. Turning around I saw an old man winking at me and I screamed. When my manager came to deal with the problem she didn't believe me and gave the man a $25 gift card for "the trouble" I caused. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked me to hold her purse while shopping. All of a sudden, a robber punched me in the face and took her purse. She started crying about her purse and told me to get off the ground because I was embarrassing her. FML
Today, after my 22-year-old son realized that there was no more contact solution, he decided to use tequila because he thought it would "kill the germs." We had to go to the hospital to have his eyes flushed out. I raised this moron. FML
Today, I found out that my mom and dad got a divorce. They didn't tell me, they just changed their relationship status on Facebook. FML
Today, my girlfriend hid my car keys and decided that she wouldn't give them back until I succeeded in giving her an orgasm. FML
Today, my mom confused me with my dad. She got in the shower with me. FML
Today, I played Angry Birds for two hours. I got so into the game, I failed to remember that I was sitting on a public toilet. I only realized this when the janitor came to check on me. FML
Today, on my Facebook, the stripper my ex-husband cheated on me with showed up in the "People You May Know" box. FML
Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML
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