Today, after a tearful weekend of burying my best friend, I stopped for gas on my way home. I got distracted by a guy next to me who was acting strange. I unknowingly filled my car with Diesel. It cost over $1000 to tow home, and I can't even get it looked at until Tuesday. FML
Today, my dad and two of his hunting buddies started a true crime podcast. It's as bad as you can imagine. FML
Today, I was once again sent tons of Mother's Day cards in the mail, even though my son died years ago and I've told people that I'm not a mother anymore. FML
Today, after years of study and hard work, I fulfilled my long time dream of becoming a neurologist. Too bad it took me so long to figure out I absolutely hate working in a hospital. FML
Today, I realized that I’ve been using the same alarm clock ringtone for so long that I now associate it with pure dread, even when I hear it being used in movies. FML
Today, we were planning to go out to dinner at our favorite restaurant. My kids and I were all dressed and ready to go when my husband waltzes in with fast food. He said he found some coupons for a free family meal. The kids and I got upset and he said, "I didn't have to get this for you guys." FML
Today, I ended a relationship because she told me that I was "like a father." FML
Today, in my years of experience with skin problems, I've had boils appear in the most horrible spots you can imagine. Still, nothing compares to having like 4 or 5 in roughly the same area, especially if that area is somewhere hard to reach. Somewhere like the back of your neck. Welcome to my hell. FML
Today, after asking my boyfriend multiple times to be more kind and romantic, he looked at me lovingly and said, "You know, you look pretty sometimes." FML
Today, at the end of my great grandmother's funeral, her daughter (my grandma) told me and my mother that she doesn’t have a reason to come back and visit anymore, and that everyone in her life is now gone. FML
Today, I woke up from a great night of camping and fishing all night long with my fiancee, only to find my stringer of fish being eaten by a water moccasin snake. My dad's been asking for a fish fry for two weeks now. FML
Today, I went to my doctor to discuss my chronic insomnia. After I'd spent ten minutes describing how exhausted I am and how it’s affecting my life, he looked me dead in the eye and said, "Have you tried just closing your eyes and clearing your mind?" I paid a $50 copay to be told how to blink. FML
Today, my doctor asked if I had any "unusual stress." I laughed and said, "I’ve been crying in the shower, does that count?" He paused, looked at me seriously, and said, "Yes. Yes, it does." FML
Today, it’s Valentine’s Day. My boyfriend promised me that instead of a packed chain restaurant we would have “dinner under the stars.” We ended up having Slurpees and Slim Jims in the 7-Eleven parking lot. He called me ungrateful for not appreciating his “romantic gesture.” FML
Today, I won my custody battle. I wish I could be happy about it, but it strained my current marriage so badly that now I'm going through my second divorce. FML
Today, I signed in to my personal Google account on my work laptop. Unbeknownst to me, the browsing history and favourites from my personal computer synched, causing my kinky PornHub history to show up, all while I was screen-sharing to my boss and prospective clients. FML
Today, I was feeling motivated to improve my unhealthy miserable life and went for a jog. Halfway through, I tripped on my own shoelace and scared a couple walking their dog. According to my wife, it's already been gossiped about in our neighborhood. FML
Today, my parents and in-laws let my 4 year-old watch as much TV as he wants. Not cartoons but brain-rot and weird stuff on YouTube. Let him skip naps. Feed him primarily junk food, and sweets. They don't respect his 8 pm bedtime and let him play until 12 am or later. Then they wonder why I don't visit more often. FML
Today, at the grocery store, the cops grabbed, cuffed, and hauled me to the station after the clerk called on me. I was with my 11 year-old niece, and she secretly tried to buy a pregnancy test. Despite saying it was for her aunt (my wife) who asked her to buy it for her without me knowing, they didn't believe her. FML
Today, I found my high school diary and decided to read it for nostalgia. My teenage self wrote, “Future me will totally be rich, famous, and married to Chris Hemsworth by 30.” I’m 32, single, and googling “How to fix a clogged toilet.” FML
Today, I managed to wash my phone with my laundry. I didn’t realize it was in my jeans until I heard a thudding noise. After rescuing it from the depths of soggy clothes, I tried the rice trick to dry it out. A few hours later, my cat thought it was a new litter tray and promptly pissed in the rice, then spread it all over the counter. FML
Today, it was my girlfriend’s birthday. I was invited to her surprise party and we got there before she arrived. When she came in, she asked the waiters where her friends were, then said, “I saw your head at the end of the restaurant.” She mentioned my head multiple times. I have a big head. FML
Today, I'm in bed pretending to sleep because I don't want to see my husband. He's manipulative and a jerk to me some times. I just don't want to deal with him anymore. FML
Today, my wife stabbed my hand with a fork, making it bleed. I'd only tried to take some fries from her plate. FML
Today, I started to give a 30-minute presentation about environmental sustainability. When I'd finished what I though was a powerful introduction, I was informed that I was in the wrong conference room, speaking to a group of what appeared to basically be a bunch oil barons. FML
Today, I slipped fell down an entire flight of stairs in front of literally everyone, and after getting back up, I tripped down another flight. Then, instead of silently walking away, I started laughing like a maniac and now everyone probably thinks I'm dumb, clumsy, and crazy. FML
Today, I asked my son to keep my new girlfriend secret from his mom until our divorce was final, and he ran straight to her. She told the judge I was unfaithful and wants more money from our settlement. My son doesn't give a shit about snitching on me, because she's giving him a percentage of the new settlement. FML
Today, I thought I was in a relatively soundproof room before I started up my vibrator. It would have been, if the door wasn't wide open behind the curtains. FML
Today, my girlfriend offered me a threesome with her best friend. Sounds like every guy’s dream, except I find her friend so absolutely fucking repulsive that I’d rather go piranha fishing with a steak wrapped around my dick then put it anywhere near her. FML
Today, I had an Easter Egg Hunt in my backyard for my kids. When they collected all the eggs, they opened them and to their dismay there was no candy inside. When I bought them, I thought they already came with candy. It’s been two hours and my kids won’t stop crying. FML
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