panda
Today, the dog went nuts at 3am. I searched the yard with a spotlight and machete. Nothing. He may actually just be an asshole. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Same thing different taste
Anonymous
It found you
Today, a dog came up to me while I was sitting on my porch. I used my belt as a leash to go try to find its owner. After an hour of looking in the rain, I gave up and let it go. Now I'm back in my house and it won't stop pawing and barking at my door. It's 3:00 a.m. FML
Anonymous
Manchester, United Kingdom
Bad boy
Today, I realized that my dog is an evil genius. As I sat down to have a snack, he barked as if he saw someone outside. I went to check it out, but nobody was there. When I returned, I found my dog on the table finishing off my bacon sandwich. FML
Anonymous
Who's a good boy?
Today, my boyfriend's vicious dog, which he got as a security measure and growls and barks at me whenever I go near it, was caught on our security camera playing like a puppy with a burglar, while the other two burglars cleaned out all our valuables. FML
DamnDogs
Canada
Alert!
Today, I was woken up by my neighbour's dog losing its mind, and I remembered reading a story about someone ignoring a dog and later finding out that their car had been stolen. Paranoid, I went outside to check on mine. Nope. Just the damn dog barking at one thirty in the morning. FML
GoodDog
United States
Today, I yelled at my dog for waking me up growling and barking out the window. He was doing it at the person stealing my car. FML
anonymous
La Verne, United States
Today, I searched our neighborhood for our lost dog. After screaming at the top of our lungs, driving around in circles, and asking strangers, we realized we took him to the groomers this morning. FML
DomesticPatrol
This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff
London, United Kingdom
Freaked out
Today, I just patrolled my entire house with a fucking hammer and flashlight because my cat stepped on a fucking creaky floorboard. It's 2 a.m. FML
Anonymous
Ireland
Early warning
Today, my dog started barking at literally nothing in the middle of the night. I spent 15 minutes convinced there was a ghost or something in my house, only to realize she was barking at her own shadow. FML
Anonymous
Naughty boy
Today, I was walking my dog when I tripped on the leash, dropping his treat bag. He snatched one, looked at me, and ran full speed in the opposite direction. I had to chase him for three blocks, yelling his name. He thought it was a new game. FML
Cassie
Pick it up
Today, I took my dog for a walk. He started crapping on someone's lawn, then I noticed that the owner was outside and giving me a death stare. Not knowing what to do, I picked up the crap with my bare hands. The man started laughing at me. FML
Top comments
VeeVengeance 0
A machete really? Where do you think you are, in the ******* jungle?
Zebidee 9
Alternatively, whoever was there heard a dog lose its mind, saw the house lights come on, a guy stumble around, pick up a machete and head for the yard, then unsurprisingly decided not to stick around and see what happened next. Buy your dog a big bone.
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Comments (130)
hipposrock101 6
lol that's funny but I'd kill him
zakmillard 0
hahahahahahaha damn dooooog! :)
sonusingh 0
lol
uomealot1 0
GHOST PARANORMAL ACTIVITY
dusty209 0
sounds like he was jus being a normal dog. the person is hella overreacting and this shouldn't b on fml
VeeVengeance 0
A machete really? Where do you think you are, in the ******* jungle?
DjeePee 25
His name is panda, so maybe...
48Connor 10
Could be a wolf.. You gonna take that thing on?
rallets 23
maybe hes Danny Trejo
jewjewB 0
omg funniest costume ever
vegan_muffin 5
I do the same thing with a machete. They look intimidating. Not to mention they are good to have around for the impending zombie apocalypse.
LuckyLogic 0
rofl.
Pontihog 0
Hey, machete's are badass, and nothing can change that.
IcyHell 0
*Troll face* Problem owner?
turkeys_hen 0
or your house may have entities in it. animals are more sensitive to paranormal stuff.
deerescu 1
yes, and 3am is prime time...
Sour_Soul88 1
u may have a ghost hun.
ShatteredDreams8 0
no
TomPusslicker 21
Or the house may have entities....Did you know animals are more aware of stuff thats paranormal? lol
tona01 16
poltergeist tun tun tuuuuun
devileyekill 0
Yes, my dogs tell me when unicorns, pixies and wizards are near by.
bls5301 2
"or you may have entities" says tompusslicker... more like tomNOpusslicker
Zebidee 9
Alternatively, whoever was there heard a dog lose its mind, saw the house lights come on, a guy stumble around, pick up a machete and head for the yard, then unsurprisingly decided not to stick around and see what happened next. Buy your dog a big bone.
sicofthsht 1
Here, here! My dog is the same way. He stays inside at night but doesn't make any noise unless something's going on outside the house... Love that big knucklehead of a dog of my.
ricfenrir 0
Smart person, then. I mean, who would try to steal a house when you saw the owner grab a machete? You gotta be chuck norris-ing me.
sicofthsht 1
Quick question... How do you "steal" a house? :/ I mean first, you'd have to lift it from it's foundation... Yada, yada, so on and so forth.. Hehe.
bhangu023 0
sicoftgsht shut up man no1 gives a shit, everyone with common sense knows what he meant.
sicofthsht 1
Lighten up, it was a damn joke.
cardoor12 0
some people don't have a sense of humor. lol
woosah 16
can u jam out #51?.... anyone can see they were joking..... common sense.
brenkite 5
Shhh... My common sense is tingling
marinus_fml 20
Or, maybe, the intruder actually left the yard as the dog started "going nuts". Sure as hell if I was ever to intrude, and a big dog started barking his head off, I'm not going to stay on the premises and hide under a shrub!
TomPusslicker 21
i completely agree, and sticking with the unoriginal train, due south to buttfuck, Idaho....he should buy that dog a big bone.
beastin34 0
really? A spoon would have been better
cptmorgan15 2
You read my mind..... A spoon would most definitely be the first thing I would go for to defend myself... On the other hand, maybe I'd whip out a stuffed animal and throw marshmellows at the burglar.
intheboot 0
lmao
sicofthsht 1
You know, a gun does wonders for home defense... Just sayin'.
lordcaliburx 0
agree. I live in Texas and every one has a gun. shit i got 4. never been broken into but just in case.
sicofthsht 1
Texas native as well, my friend. And a proud owner of a safe full of noise makers... I'm not afraid of a home invasion. If my dog can't take care of a person breaking into my home and risking the lives of my family, I will. Gotta protect your own, right?
ricfenrir 0
Teh hell, i'd grab my pillow and bitch-slap the thief with it.
lifeinhd 3
It will find you... it will catch you... it will hit you... with a spoon! Again... and again...
vwmkvgirl 1
yeah... I'll stick with the firearms. granted I have a machete too... but I still think I'll use the guns if absolutely necessary.
FML858 0
67&79 LOLOL WIN
ENLT 6
or maybe you're just paranoid?
bitchslapped22 14
Why the hell do you have a machete available in your house?
Badjuju7711 0
sometimes you gotta cut a bitch... deep
RODEOqueen 0
If you have woods on your property it can be a very handy tool. Makes getting through thick brush a whole lot easier. OP - If your dog was sleeping, it's possible it heard something that put it into protection mode. Maybe the wind or a car, people somewhere close by, or a neighbors cat? Just because you didn't see it doesn't mean your dog is an asshole.
felipe87 2
in case of a zombie attack. have you not read the zombie survival guide?
yuggi1 11
My dad owns a machete, and why not? You can use it to chop people up, make 'em quake in fear.... no really, but yeah.
joseph42424233 0
I'd go through your thick brush awful quick 27.
atomicbaboon 0
it's much more convenient then using a small knife to cut your sandwiches in half.