Today, my wife and I have been fighting, and she's threatening divorce. Why? Because I don't want to have a second kid. We cannot afford another one. FML
Today, I took the piss out of my younger brother for spending money on “fake internet clothes” in video games. Last week I spent 3 hours researching the perfect ergonomic office chair and paid extra for “limited edition fabric.” I'm apparently one financial decision away from becoming the exact nerd I used to bully. FML
Today, I told my crush I liked him. Instead of rejecting me or telling me that he might have felt similar, he decided to pretend to be dumb and clueless and just kept asking who my crush was. I found out later that he knew all along but he just wanted to ragebait me. FML
Today, I admitted to my best friend that I was having second thoughts about getting married and was probably going to break up with him. Unfortunately, my fiance's daughter, who I absolutely adore, overheard the conversation and threw a huge screaming tantrum asking why I didn't want to be her mommy anymore. FML
Today, my ex and I both go to the same gym because we're too stubborn to change our membership. He's not being a creeper, but he's dropped over fifty pounds and all the girls there keep talking about how hot he's gotten. It's really awkward when we're in a class together. FML
Today, I realized I'd spent 14 months giving my love to a closeted lesbian, who used me like an emotional vampire to hide. She cried about her ex leaving her for a man, then did the same to me. She's a parasite jumping from host to host because she's too cowardly to be honest. I’m just her latest supply. FML
Today, my soon-to-be ex-husband cheated on me with a woman and got her pregnant (we are both men). What's even worse is that not many of my family are supporting me and keep making excuses for him, like maybe he wants to be a dad, or maybe he's bisexual. People are even encouraging me to stay with him. FML
Today, my nephew asked if I wanted to see a magic trick. I humored him and let him give it a go. He covered my phone with a blanket, counted to three, and revealed that it had "disappeared." The little genius had dropped it into a fish tank while I wasn't looking. FML
Today, after I spent 3 months secretly learning guitar so I could surprise everyone at a family barbecue, the moment finally came. I sat down, took a deep breath, and realized I'd practiced every song with a capo I forgot to bring, as well as my tuner. Everything sounded terrible. My uncle asked if I was improvising Free Jazz. FML
Today, I was stuck in a stiflingly hot port-a-potty for 30 minutes with the worst bowel issues ever due to food poisoning. To make things worse, the maintenance guy came two minutes in to drain the thing and had to wait outside till I was done, muttering angrily at me as I took the humiliating walk of shame to my car. FML
Today, I desperately want a kid with my wife, but unfortunately I'm stuck on the hook for child support. The kid was a mistake, a pregnancy from a relationship that lasted less than two months, and unless I can get my payments reduced there's no way my wife and I can afford a kid of our own. FML
Today, my mom said I was not allowed to spend Father's Day with my dad. When I tried to point out that I'm 24 years-old and she couldn't stop me, she disabled my car. I don't trust rideshare. FML
Today, I found out that the reason my ex-fiance didn't visit me in the hospital after my accident, which I dumped him for, was because the hospital wouldn't let him in because he wasn't family. He's blocked my number, returned the ring and everything. FML
Today, after I spent months assisting my 'work bestie' with planning/arranging her "Surprise!" wedding, Surprise! I wasn't invited. FML
Today, I was signed up for a local 10K run after months of saying I'd "get back into running." Everything went well until I crossed the finish line and proudly accepted a medal… that belonged to someone standing behind me. She had to tap on my shoulder and ask for it back while other runners and volunteers smirked at me. FML
Today, I walked a good 5 minutes across campus, through a few large hallways and up some stairs, with about foot of toilet paper hanging out of my pants before somebody pointed it out to me. FML
Today, I was taking my driving test and everything was going perfectly. As I pulled back into the testing center, I smiled because I knew I'd passed. Then I got out of the car without pulling the handbrake. The examiner had to jump back in and hit the brakes before it rolled into an actual parked car. FML
Today, my former in-laws have been giving me crap for remarrying only four months after my divorce, yet they had no problem with my ex-wife remarrying only a week after our divorce. FML
Today, I took my nephew to the zoo and spent the day telling him fun animal facts. At the giraffe enclosure, I explained that giraffes can't make sounds. Right on cue, one let out the loudest snorting noise I've ever heard. My six year-old nephew looked at me and said, "Maybe Google isn't always right." FML
Today, my wife and I have been fighting and she's accusing me of being too controlling because I absolutely forbid her from putting pictures of our kids on social media. FML
Today, I went to a casino with $300 to spend and somehow walked out with $21K. When I told my wife, she sighed and moaned about how annoying taxes will be, and how I should have pushed my luck further. The house always wins, even when it loses. FML
Today, my dogs have coordinated a T-formation as I lay down to sleep. Essentially cutting me off 80% of the bed. Too tired to fight, too annoyed to sleep. FML
Today, I’m sick and tired of women disrespecting my relationship. They come up and openly flirt with my man right in front of me, because no one thinks we’re together. I know it’s because he’s ripped like a Greek god while I’m 300lbs. He loves me as I am, I just wish other people would get it too. FML
Today, I found an old USB drive and spent an hour trying to open it because I was sure it had important files on it. It contained one blurry photo of my thumb and a Word doc titled “Do not open", which was actually blank. FML
Today, I paid for the girl I love to come to a music festival with me. Fifteen minutes after we got there, she was hanging off the arm of some muscly rich douche who barely glanced at me, except to call me "little simpy dude." She giggled as he whisked her off to the VIP area. FML
Today, I bought noise-cancelling headphones to help me focus while working from home. They're amazing. I can no longer hear my timer, my doorbell, or my smoke alarm when I burn my lunch. FML
Today, my girlfriend got drunk and said it was a shame that two handsome guys across the room were gay, because real men like that were perfect for marrying and having babies with. She has let me know many times she does not want to marry or have babies. Guess it’s just me she doesn’t want them with. FML
Today, I warned my new boyfriend not to approach my ferret, as he is still quite young and bites when he plays. He ignored me completely because “animals love him”, and when my ferret latched onto his finger, he threw him across the room. Now I can’t find him anywhere in the house. FML
Today, I took my car in because of a strange rattling noise. The mechanic charged me nothing, just handed me back my reusable water bottle that had been rolling around under the passenger seat for three months. FML
Today, I got a notification that my package had been delivered. I searched my porch, checked with my neighbors, and even contacted customer support. It was sitting in my car's trunk because I'd picked it up from a parcel locker yesterday. FML
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