Today, my brother and I spent almost $600 to plan and throw a divorce party for our mother. She proceeded to announce that she and our dad are staying together and that we completely jumped the gun. We deserve it, but… FML
Today, I joined an online meeting from my bedroom and made sure the background looked tidy. About twenty minutes in, my mother walked in behind me carrying a laundry basket and shouted, “Where did you put my bras?” The meeting was with my new boss. FML
Today, I got an email statement from my job's HR. Long story short, they are cancelling all pending referral bonuses as they are "too costly" and they determined that my "salary is more than enough." I can still refer more people, though. FML
Today, on my birthday, I worked overtime because I haven’t celebrated my birthday in years. I got out of work and found a bunch of hate filled voicemails from my mom about missing my surprise party. She has never thrown me a party in my life; in fact I haven’t spoken to my mom in 7 months. FML
Today, I found a note on my car windshield that said, “Sorry about what happened.” I immediately assumed someone had hit it. After panicking for 2 minutes, I realized the note had been left by my friend, who had borrowed my car and accidentally left the radio playing overnight, draining the battery. FML
Today, I finally gave in and agreed to try holding my girlfriend's pet tarantula. The moment I did, it bit me. According to her she’s had him 4 years and he’s never so much as nipped her, never mind a full bite. Lucky me. My hand is twice the normal size and I can feel my heartbeat in it. FML
Today, while away at college, I had a flirty relationship with a girl living on the floor below me. It turned physical. Heavy petting, making out, lots of over the clothes stuff. Home on break and visiting my girlfriend at work, there she is, working with her, standing side by side as I walked up! What?! FML
Today, my date asked how many kids and baby daddies I had. When I responded neither because I'm not like that, he didn't believe me and left. FML
Today, I think the universe is playing some cruel prank on me. Over the last few months I’ve had multiple exes reach out for various reasons. I’m talking exes from 20+ years ago to a guy I only got coffee with twice. Messages ranged from, “Hey how ya been?” to “I’ll still love or hate you.” FML
Today, I learned three things. 1.) My boyfriend has a side chick. 2.) He's leaving me for her because she's pregnant. 3.) They're moving into the apartment building across from mine, and my bedroom window faces theirs. FML
Today, I'm currently in a relationship, but he acts like a child. My boss has been trying for over a year to get my attention, and I've ignored his advances this whole time, but now I think that I've caught feelings for him. I'm torn between a man child and my boss who makes me submissive. What is wrong with me? FML
Today, I'm incredibly supportive and positively motivating my sister-in-law, bringing her out of post-partum depression. Why? Because her husband (my brother-in-law) forced me into depression to the point of multiple life ending attempts when I was in a similar situation. I'm good to all, except myself. FML
Today, my job interview got canceled. I later found out it's because my sister got the brilliant idea to go talk to the manager to "advocate" for me, and they thought I put her up to it. FML
Today, I was cleaning my apartment when I found a €20 note underneath the sofa cushion. I was pretty happy until I remembered I'd lost €20 a few days earlier and spent an hour looking for it. I'd finally found my own money and felt lucky about it. FML
Today, while I was cooking a cauliflower soup, I wanted to make sure my cat didn't lick my serving spoon, so I put some bergamot extract in the bowl where it was laying. I then proceeded to pour the soup into the bowl. Let's hope my bergamot extract is the edible variety. FML
Today, I caught my husband peeing into the bath. His excuse was that he was simply too tired to pay enough attention to aim properly into the toilet bowl, this way he could just undo his zip, piss without even opening his eyes, then go to bed. I married a wild animal. FML
Today, my neighbors heard me when I was yelling to an AI model for not following instructions. FML
Today, after my landlord emailed to say someone would be inspecting the apartment at 10 AM, I cleaned everything and waited at home all morning. At noon, I called to ask where they were. The inspection was scheduled for next Tuesday. I'd read the date wrong. FML
Today, during the night I caught a burglar in the front room so I fought and threw him out. Most wives would be happy they were saved and nothing got stolen, might want to hug their husbands, maybe give them a little loving. Mine yelled at me for waking her up and scratching the walls. FML
Today, despite feeling rubbish due to chronic illness, I got up and dressed for uni. When I got to the train station, I decided to sit on the closest bench to wait. It would’ve been nice if I’d seen the bright blue chewing gum some feral child had left behind before my butt found it. FML
Today, my friend accidentally killed his AirPods by washing them. He decided to lie to the service center and say they just stopped working. When I said they wouldn't cover it, he asked Gemini, which said it *was* a warranty issue, and gave him a cover story. Then, he started talking shit about me being useless. FML
Today, my dad straight up told me I’m not allowed to be depressed because it reflects badly on him as a single parent. This was followed by a threat to confiscate my car keys if I told anyone I’m depressed, even my friends and girlfriend. FML
Today, and ever since July 2009, when someone from high school harassed me by being the first one to write on my Facebook profile, "You need to change your profile photo", I've been dealing with Facebook drama that's caused me mental illness for the past 15 years. FML
Today, I came home and heard the shower running. Assuming my roommate was in there, I yelled, “Don’t use up all the hot water!” Then my roommate walked in with groceries. I froze. The shower stopped. The bathroom was empty. Now I have to move out or start charging rent to a ghost. FML
Today, my husband yelled at me for asking him to get the kids ready for school after he got off work. He works overnights, so I figured that since he's already awake, he can help out, since I'm not a morning person at all. Apparently he needs sleep "IMMEDIATELY" once he gets off work. FML
Today, the Gen Z at the office introduced me to this book series from "#booktok." I thought why not, and i just read it. I ended up reading all three books in a week and obsessing over the series while the Gen Z didn't move past the first one. The series isn't even that good, but I'm stuck now. FML
Today, I realized that I’m a loser. My coworkers have hit 9k and 16k in total sales, and I’ve never even come close to those numbers. I swear I work hard, but everything just sucks. I fucking hate my life. FML
Today, I begged the people at my new job not to call my current boss for a reference because he is a vindictive dog shite. They called him for a reference, he tanked me, they believed him and withdrew my job offer. My boss also sacked me for disloyalty, thus proving he’s a vindictive dog shite. FML
Today, I was looking for a tiny little container I use to keep my medication dosages when I travel. I checked just about every place I could think of, so where did I finally find it? Behind the wide open closet door. It had fallen out of my travel bag, which I'd used last week, and rolled behind the tiny nook it made. FML
Today, as my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I asked him if he was going to fuck my brains out and make me his dumb little cock sleeve. He said, "That's kind of degrading, isn't it?" Instant mood kill. Never date a man who can't talk dirty. FML
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