Today, my husband won’t have sex with me anymore because he can’t be bothered. That’s been his excuse for almost three weeks, but he insists there’s nothing wrong, he just doesn’t want to. For reference, we had sex almost every day before this, so this is very abnormal behavior. FML
Today, I got written up by my line manager for being too friendly to customers. I work in retail, my job is to be friendly. FML
Today, I was trying on wedding dresses with my future sister-in-law who is a little bigger than me. We tried on a similar dress and she said it looked better on me because I'm skinny. Instead of saying, "No way" or "It looks great on you", I accidentally said, "Yeah, I know." FML
Today, I went skiing for the very first time and spent more time falling down than actually skiing. Despite the fact that I'm up here in the mountains for another week with my family, I'm never trying that again. FML
Today, I watched as one of the few US governors willing to resist Donald Trump's ICE (aka Gestapo) rolled over and surrendered, letting the cops ransack protests with impunity. I feel sick. I tried to buy a gun but was denied because of mental health. FML
Today, my metabolism finally slowed down just weeks before my high school reunion. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were in bed after a long stretch of abstinence, finally heating things up. I went to the wardrobe to grab the vibrator (I love using it on her) and slowly revealed it: mold-covered, an absolute biohazard. The night ended with me fixing a leak behind the wardrobe. FML
Today, my siblings canceled my birthday LUNCH that THEY planned FOR ME while MID-LUNCH at a different place WITHOUT ME. They decided that my birthday should just be done two weeks later ON MY DAUGHTER'S BIRTHDAY. I feel discarded. FML
Today, my ex-girlfriend got married to a man she met last year. She left me after 8 years together because I told her I wanted to have fun and live my life, and wasn’t ready for marriage. Three years later, I’m not having fun at all. None of my bros wanna make plans because they’d rather be with their wives and kids. FML
Today, I called in a refill for a vital medication that I've been on since a couple of decades ago. No big deal since I called a week in advance. I then received a notification that the specific medication is out of stock at the moment, and they won't have another set ready for four days. FML
Today, I pulled out of my parking lot to head to physical therapy and the alleyway was blocked by some traffic. I nudged over to allow a garbage truck to pull in and my passenger window shattered against a dumpster handle. FML
Today, I've been relentlessly refreshing my email. I'm anxious and expecting the results of a competition. It's my preschooler's playdough competition results. What has my life become? FML
Today, I went to a Speed Dating event because the apps just ain’t doing it for me. After a while of talking, the first guy I sat with told me, “You are way too out of shape to have high standards and expectations.” I got up and left the place in tears. This is the world of dating while plus-sized. FML
Today, I went to college, where I'm studying for my dream job. Despite getting up at 5am to catch the earliest bus into town, I arrived ten minutes late. My professor knows my circumstances, but is still threatening to kick me off the course if I don't "arrive on time like everyone else." FML
Today, I was pointing out my car to my roommate. He responded with, "Oh that one with the broken window?" Turns out my car had been broken into. They took my CD player, GPS and Ipod. On top of that they left a Reese's Fastbreak wrapper and sunflower seeds on my front seat. FML
Today, after seeing that my Tinder profile has been stagnant for a VERY long time, I became desperate enough to purchase a 100x boost. The result? One of the girls unmatched me. Not that it matters. All my matches have yet to answer back. FML
Today, my wife has quit nicotine. As expected, she's put on some weight, but it's all gone to her butt, boobs, and hips. She looks better than ever, easily 5 years younger, but she's so upset about the weight gain that she refuses to let me touch her, and she wears baggy clothes 24/7 now. FML
Today, I went to a community center event to make friends in a new city. I introduced myself to someone who seemed cool, then realized they were the event organizer who thought I was a volunteer who hadn’t shown up for their shift. They politely asked me to help stack chairs. I spent the night stacking chairs instead of meeting people. Now I’m on the volunteer email list. FML
Today, my boyfriend clearly stated that I was "useless" when on my period. FML
Today, to save money on our vacation, we got a single room with double beds. What a mistake that was. Thanks to our dad's OCD need to stick to his schedule, he got us up at 6 every morning, we had to be in bed by 9:30PM and absolutely no relaxing by the pool, because “we got things to do.” FML
Today, my brother woke up from a 14 month coma and apparently the first thing he said was, “Where'd my muscles go?” Now, while I get the situation was serious, I couldn’t help but picture Grog from Vox Machina saying almost exactly the same thing, and I laughed. Mom slapped the back of my head. FML
Today, I woke up to find out that my practically feral cat had chewed through my laptop charger cable. I guess I won't be getting much work done today. FML
Today, I learned what my husband's "little side hustle" that he started is about. He's been using his gaming PC to generate disgusting AI porn movies with shit like monsters fucking women and other sick shit. It's like a sleazy Breaking Bad. Hope he enjoys the movies, because he's never getting sex again. FML
Today, after I was locked out of my apartment, I went down the leaf-filled ravine behind the building to get to the fire escape ladder, climbed up four stories and over the balcony, then wiggled through the window on my stomach onto the living room floor. Now I'm back inside and paranoid about robbers doing the same. FML
Today, I was supposed to be on my way to Hawaii for a long-planned family vacation, but I had an anxiety attack that I couldn't explain. Now I'm lying in bed and crying, and my phone is blowing up with texts and calls. FML
Today, I got told once again that I’m being a horrible mother by letting a man move in with me. We recently got engaged after 6 years together. Meanwhile, my ex has a new girlfriend practically every other month and forced our kids to call multiple women “Mommy.” Yeah, I’m the bad guy. FML
Today, just a little bit after midnight, my mom sends a Facebook post saying my stepdad is in the ER and is unable to walk. I'm a night owl, which was why I was up. This is after the rest of my family went to bed due to being sick with the new flu variant days ago. It seems like this week is just bad luck for my family. FML
Today, I realized that not only did my parents not get me anything for Christmas, they also stole the $500 my grandparents gave me to buy a computer. FML
Today, I spoke to Friend A and Friend B, with whom I'd had arguments with in the past. Those arguments caused me to leave a group chat. When I want to settle things with Friend B, they told me, "Don't come back to the group chat. It'll make everyone happier if you stay out." FML
Today, my ex texted me being all flirty and sexual and yet was never like that when we were together. Not long later, his new girlfriend messaged me saying, "Stop messaging my man, he doesn't want you back." FML
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