Today, thanks to an electric shock, I technically died for about 50 seconds until my coworker managed to restart my heart. Now my deeply religious aunt and uncle pester me constantly, demanding to know if I met God or saw a white light, or the fires of hell. They’re absolutely fucking relentless. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I got electrocuted at work. The boss thinks I'm faking, even though a chunk of my left hand is gone. FML
Today, while changing a light bulb, I was electrocuted. I screamed before I blacked out. My entire family was home and heard me scream, but didn't come and check because they were too busy watching Glee. FML
Today, my grandma miraculously survived a bout with pneumonia. She keeps saying, 'The Lord spoke to her' while she was comatose. While comatose, she had to be physically restrained because she would unconsciously mess with the medical equipment, and when she woke up, she was completely delirious. Yeah, no. FML
Today, I was told by a doctor that I have a fatal disease, and that I should start making preparations for when I pass away. Then, another doctor showed up, panicking, and said that was meant for someone else with the same first name as me. The mini-heart attack I had at that moment almost killed me anyway. FML
Today, I had a seizure, and as they were loading me into the ambulance, drooling on myself, I clearly heard my mother ask the ambulance crew if they’d mind swinging by the church on the way to the hospital, you know, in case it turns out I’m not sick, just possessed by the devil. FML
Today, I briefly had the coolest boss in the world. He stormed over to a nasty customer who was giving me hell, and he absolutely laid into her. It lasted about 10 seconds before he collapsed from a major heart attack. A coworker's already blamed me for not pacifying the customer in the first place and causing all this to happen. FML
Today, my fanatical Christian stepfather told me that my genetic illness is a result of demon possession, and that I'd be cured if I allow his church to perform a "healing prayer demon expulsion" on me. FML
Today, if anyone wants to know how my day’s going, I have a preteen who recently discovered the idea of death, which led to life after death, which led to "What if there is no life after death?", just non-existence, no self awareness, just oblivion. Preteen plus existential dread. God help me. FML
Today, I serve at church and had a funeral. As I greeted the family, someone asked how I was doing. Without thought, I responded, "Good to be alive." FML
Today, my dad attempted to fix a power outlet. He managed to shock himself with 120 volts and fall backwards, landing on top of me. I am 85 pounds and he weighs 290 pounds. FML
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Top comments
BurnInDemonFire 39
"Okay, fine... I saw God... he said you both need to undertake 10 years of missionary work in the Middle East. Like right now."
Plop 17
"I saw nothing. Your imaginary fairy friend doesn't exist." Think what you want of religious beliefs, but relentless morons ought to be shut up definitely.
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Comments (9)
Plop 17
"I saw nothing. Your imaginary fairy friend doesn't exist." Think what you want of religious beliefs, but relentless morons ought to be shut up definitely.
BurnInDemonFire 39
"Okay, fine... I saw God... he said you both need to undertake 10 years of missionary work in the Middle East. Like right now."
Plop 17
Only missionary? I know they're religious nutjobs, but that got to get boring after a while even for those.
Earl_KarmasBitch 36
Tell them you met Buddha.
RichardPencil 32
Tell them you saw Charles Darwin who told you evolution is the truth and any other creation story is bullshit.
IHaveThePower 18
"Yes, and God said to love everyone as you love yourself." Should provide endless hours of entertainment.
tiptoppc 21
Milk it and tell them if they each pay you $500, you’ll put in a good word to God for them. Then go give the money to a real effin charity which doesn’t involve kids on the crotch.
wrenavery90 12
So tell them no. You didn't see anything. End of conversation.