Today, my boyfriend gave his penis a high five for not getting me pregnant. He does this every time I get my period. Every. Single. Time. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my boyfriend told me that he could predict my periods because he keeps track of when I'm at my bitchiest each month. This wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't so accurate. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend if he might want kids one day, and he most definitely does not. In fact, he even thanked me for reminding him we need to stock up on condoms when we go shopping, plus he’s even considering a vasectomy just to make sure. I’m already pregnant. FML
Today, while I was at my boyfriend's house, I got my period. About an hour after I told him, he impatiently said, "Is it over yet?" FML
Today, I told my boyfriend that I've missed my period, and that I think I might be pregnant. He started panicking and ended up puking in the toilet. FML
Today, my boyfriend clearly stated that I was "useless" when on my period. FML
Today, my cheater of an ex-boyfriend sent me one of his many messages proclaiming his new-found love for me, and in the middle of it asked me how my period was going. FML
Today, I found out if I refuse my boyfriend anything in public, he will continually yell out, "Penis!" until he gets his way. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He responded by fist pumping. FML
Today, my pregnancy test came back positive. My boyfriend is no fan of fatherhood, so it was with some hesitation that I called him and let him know I'm pregnant. He replied, "Like hell you are!" and hung up. He now refuses to answer any of my calls. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend of 4 years that I'm pregnant. He suggested we get a paternity test done. FML
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Top comments
Pwib 14
Can you really give it "five" if it doesn't have a hand?
Misshhh 23
One word: Condom
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Comments (168)
devildog562 33
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Bloody hell. Your boyfriend is obviously not ready to reproduce.
Naule 11
#1 unintentional pun?
devildog562 33
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Negative. Presidency requires the utmost attention to details. Sarcasm and intention shall become a standard don't when elected .
devildog562 33
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
***Font not don't ... Swear this is the last damned post I put up until I sleep a little ... And this is why I'll become president , I made a mistake people! Many a mistakes .
sayyestothedress 24
#18 are you ok?
mya55 11
go back to fedora land, pleb.
SystemofaBlink41 27
I think it's some inside joke for himself, because I honestly have no clue.
incoherentrmblr 22
So, if you give your dick a high five, does that count as masturbating?...
coming back in the future 30
Thats just weird. Period.
ohSNAPyall 27
That's why the boyfriend was celebrating.
Pwib 14
Can you really give it "five" if it doesn't have a hand?
devildog562 33
I'm pretty sure my Johnson gets a hand or two ....
Ki11erC 18
No part of the word "five" or even "high five" mentions hand.
lil_ham1644 29
No, but the "five" refers to a hand's five fingers.
whiteangel361 10
But it's not mandatory. How do you think people missing fingers do it? They still call it a high five.
Kyle1dc 17
am I the only one who pictures him twacking himself...
Ilmoran 20
You can give it a high (low?) five, but cannot receive one in return.
fivetimeslonger 24
#80, I am too. Like, does he just hit himself in the junk every 28 days or so?
Misshhh 23
One word: Condom
pwnman 33
maybe they dont like coloured penises. unless they get a transparent type
2i1337i2iscore 13
Unfortunately the condom is the least effective form of birth control. Two words: the pill.
vikky538 29
than he has to high five with gloves...
littlekellilee 45
52 only if you take it right. You have to take it at the same time every day, keep it stored at the proper temp, etc
diving_fml 30
shell want that as a number two with some other form of contraceptive.
jeepers_1 21
Condoms can break. Always best to have a backup form of birth control, even then it's not 100%. Only way to be 100% sure of not getting pregnant is to not have sex, but that's just not fun!
mishwarner 14
Bullshit it's the least effective. Did you just make that up? It's more effective then diaphragms, withdrawal & the billings method. Only problem is condoms feel crap & no one wants to use them.
rocker_chick23 27
#52: Let my guess, you were taught abstinence only. That would explain your stupid, and totally false comment. FYI, some woman can't take the pill.
kaz55 9
#91 - my jaw hit the floor when someone actually mentioned the Billings method by name...NEVER heard anyone outside of "fertility awareness" groups reference it...are you from Australia by chance?
2i1337i2iscore 13
Is that different in Australia?
kaz55 9
The originators of that specific method were Australian...seems to be more well known there.
8born8 18
I'm 26yrs old, from Australia and I've never heard of this "Billings method". Someone please enlighten me?....
iHyperModz 22
What's a con dom
mete_orito 34
I assume you guys are not using any protection, so he celebrates this way every single month. It is understandable.
flutterby789 8
iim pretty sure theyre using protection if he does it every single month... pretty sure the game would b up by now if not
Stormcloak 20
I don't know... My mom frequently tells me that her and my dad used only the rhythm method and only ended up pregnant twice and when they wanted to be.
siggy_mcsigx 22
Pull out method worked with me and my ex for 2 years
foxwasalamb 24
pull out method worked for my friend. oh wait... it didn't...
Longblueknight 6
the pullout method didn't work for my parents at least once...
8born8 18
Somehow, I think #7 should've pulled out, and not hit the validate button.
PenguinBitch 44
He probably thinks it's humorous. Give him an intervention and explain how that's really stupid.
Gittoh 21
oooor ignore it ;)
Rawr6591 21
I think it's funny
Mauskau 36
I went on the POP so I no longer get periods, means no one gets to do silly celebrations. :)
cdawg69 10
Wow.. I bet so many people care :)
Brandi_Faith 34
People may not care 85, but her comment is still relevant as she is commenting on something that works for her and therefore may also work for Op. :)
8born8 18
Hear, hear 101. At least #9 is taking responsibility for herself and being sex smart. Good on you #9!
8born8 18
& 85, I bet you (and so many people) would care, if you're throwing your end in willy nilly and 9mths later you're a daddy.
gurbism 16
Tell him you're late and see what he does then.
martin8337 36
And not late for dinner.
stevothedevo 25
Probably punch himself in the dick instead
Ki11erC 18
@10 They won't see anything but a cloud of dust and an open door.
rekkas 16
If he stays, he's a keeper
I'madumbass 19
Lol. That'll be interesting
Enslaved 38
Is he cramping your style or are you just ovary acting?
devildog562 33
Hahaha aww you're pussy is ovary top on this pun . Please go easy one me .....
Wakachulak 22
#11, Gross...
devildog562 33
That was bad and I feel bad ....
shay_serendipity 29
Devildog, I think you should take a break from commenting. You're on a bad downvote streak and honestly you aren't making any sense...
agghhh 7
Wouldn't that hurt?
Soundslikeothers 15
Step 1. Go online and buy a fake positive pregnancy test Step 2. Next month tell him you are late. Step 3. Show him the fake test. Step 4. watch him freak out and laugh your ass off!
Swandive235 27
You evil person you... lol. I'd want to see that.