Today, I was walking through my house when I saw a strange man sitting on my couch. I asked him who he was and he said he was a friend of my mom's. He told me to join him and when I sat down, he punched me in the face and stole my cell phone, wallet, and car keys. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, a stranger asked to borrow my phone since his had died. As he was using it, he kept walking away and I had to chase him because he was walking too far. He turned around, yelled, "Stop following me, asshole!" and punched me, knocking me out cold. When I came to, I realized the fucker stole my phone. FML
Today, I came home to find a man standing in my living room. Since my mom texted me that her new boyfriend would be coming over, I just assumed it was him. I introduced myself, made us some coffee and I went to my room to study. When I went downstairs after a while, the TV was missing. FML
Today, I walked into what I thought was my friend's apartment, dropped my backpack on the couch, and started complaining about work. A complete stranger then walked out of the kitchen holding a sandwich, saw me, then yelled "HELP!" I apologized, grabbed my bag, and somehow took his TV remote with me. FML
Today, I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to find that I had slept through my house getting robbed. FML
Today, I was walking home, when I saw a homeless man trying to tear the wallet out of another guy's hand. I can't stand bums, so I smacked him across the jaw. That's when the other one kneed me in the balls and made off with my wallet as well. FML
Today, I was playfully walking back to my car with my girlfriend. My door was unlocked. I then noticed my car had stuff scattered inside. A bum had just robbed and ransacked my car. FML
Today, my friend got a text showing his girlfriend cheating on him. Sounds like his FML, but he was at my house. He then worked his way through a bottle of my whisky and went into a drunken rage. He threw my furniture through windows, punched holes in the wall, and smashed stuff until I had to call the cops. FML
Today, I was dogsitting at my friend's house and accidentally left my car door unlocked because I was running in to drop off my interview clothes. I came back outside to see a homeless man in my driver's seat, rummaging. I had to fight him. He was terrified. I couldn’t stop shaking for hours after. FML
Today, I woke up to my Playstation 3 and my laptop missing and window open. My dad faked a robbery to see me freak out. FML
Today, I was walking to my car from my workplace. When I was about 20 feet from my car, a guy who was clearly on drugs yelled at me and stole my keys and car. Right before leaving the parking lot, he hit a stop sign and then yelled that my car was broken and ran off. FML
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Top comments
RhymePrime 7
Not a very good friend, Lol
superstephen4 5
don't trust strange people on your couch.
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Comments (186)
RhymePrime 7
Not a very good friend, Lol
Imawhalerider 0
not a very good brain. It would take a lot more than a sucker punch for him to steal all your stuff, wimp.
glitchead 0
Either he/she is a klepto (sp?) or the OP has an imaginary friend and likes hitting himself and throwing his stuff around and blaming it on Bob the postman or whatever.. or someone is lying
popatia 0
i agree sounds like a big fat lie
JustSoLost 8
Don't trust people that you don't know.
Dutchie2010 0
I think it sounds like a burglar that had to improvise. Because the OP was coming in he just decided to sit on the couch and pretend to be the mom's friend. That was pretty smart actually. But yeah, FYL
bsteiger 0
fake fml
kppadgett 0
I would have said 'go to www.gunsamerica.com and get yourself a colt 1911 .45 or something' then I saw you live in a commie state. wouldn't happen to me because I have a sign in my front yard warning that I carry all the time. you should still fill out your commie registration papers for the gun though.... here in ky we don't register at all.
fsxman1 11
then why are you trusting this FML??
yayax0 0
wow that sucks! fyl :/
YouCantBreakMe 9
sounds like the robber stole OP's common sense along with the brain. If I even so much hear a sound when I'm home alone or if my parents are gone I grab a knife or the closest thing to me (which is usually my umbrella) and my phone and go investigate. OP=DUMBASS
spencerchu 0
stranger danger!!!!
katsoplat 0
FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mr_Tuff_Guy 0
Fail. OP - that sucks.
katsoplat 0
youre the fail
Starchild21 3
so is FIRST the new second? I'm confused haha
blalien 0
This is why I am in favor of mandating that you provide proof that you are at least 13 years old before registering for any web-site.
RhymePrime 7
A decent idea
Illumi113 0
You know what's REALLY funny about this comment? If you hadn't used all those exclamation points, you might have submitted the comment in time to actually be first. You can't even accomplish your stupid pseudo-achievement because of the same bragging mindset that makes you want to do it. This bullshit is as childish as racing to push the button on an elevator. The fact that you are spending valuable time constantly clicking refresh hoping for an opportunity to be first the first reply to an FML post indicates that you are not going anywhere, and people should not be using their precious resources keeping you alive. About the OP, I think this is a lie. This was clearly a burglar, not really a friend of his mother. I doubt a burglar would be wasting time resting on the couch when an occupant of the house, the OP for example, could come in at any moment. It would be more believable if you claimed that he was rummaging through some drawers, or even just appeared to be looking for something around the room. Also, you list your car keys among the things he stole. If a man had actually stolen your car keys, it's almost certain he wouldn't have bothered unless he was going to steal your car too. If he had stolen your car, I doubt you would be worried about him stealing your car keys as much as you would be about your car, and you would say he stole your car, not your keys. This is a lie. I'm sick and tired of explaining why you dumbass liars are ruining this site. Go **** yourself.
dakrock13 0
....damn. anger management much?
katsoplat 0
you all a buttheads
pippymiskers 4
^ win.
GamerChik 2
lllumi113 1st of all that was to long of a comment and 2nd of all get a life ur sayin that that person was goin nowhere when your over here writing long ass comments i mean seriosly
Afxman 0
lol at lllumi
Dr_Jalepenos 0
u meant , SECOND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! right?
lolhahafml 0
@121 you need help. And nobody asked for your opinion. Stop crying about exclamation points and lies on a website and go get a life:)
Monty_Python 0
that sucks
rhatfield25 0
what the fuckkkk? this hasss to be fake!
crazycontagious 0
WTF??? What kind of a thief is this? Sitting there and waiting to trap you.That's just out there. FYL.
_krystallynn_ 11
i feel like he probably heard op come in and had nowhere to go so he sat down and tried to save his ass
allmidnighteyes 11
Hahahahaha, clever asshole If this is real, you have a description of him, the cops can trace your phone, find your car, and they can get him if he tries to use your credit card.
superstephen4 5
don't trust strange people on your couch.
GetItOn 0
I agree, what kind of idiot would do this?
Starchild21 3
FYL for being donkey punched and then robbed. I have a feeling Plexico visited you haha :P
allmidnighteyes 11
lawlsauce
redbluegreen 41
Oh snap. All we need now is a series of crimes caused by FML members just so our victims can post here and we have something to laugh at. Wait. I actually don't see anything wrong with this.
allmidnighteyes 11
In the words of Debbi -- Let's go do some crimes /mid 80's reference
plexico 4
He told you to join him on the couch?!?!? Didn't that sound a little inappropriate? It must be awkward to think that this dude used your money and your car to pork your mom. BTW, look up the term Donkey Punch before you use it incorrectly. It doesn't mean what you might think.
fml3164 0
do u even know what a donkey punch is?
allmidnighteyes 11
mercy - 1) Serve the public trust. 2) Protect the innocent. 3) Uphold the law.
allmidnighteyes 11
bladerunner amirite?
actorkidrox 0
I don't even know if that's real or fake. I also don't care, because it's hilarious