Sleep deprivation-induced psychosis

Today, I watched Gigli. FML

Today, my older brother called me in the middle of the night to describe to me, in painstaking elaborate detail, the Yamaha commercial he'd just watched. FML

Today, I'm sat at home alone on a Friday night, watching a documentary online about decomposing elephants. FML

Like father, like son

Today, after making fun of my dad for years because he falls asleep in front of the TV every night by 9:30, I sat down “just for a minute” after work and woke up at 2 a.m. fully dressed, lights on, with Netflix asking if I was still watching, and a half-eaten wrap stuck to my chest. FML

Was it that recent one about Waco?

Today, I tried to be a responsible adult and went to bed early. I woke up at 3 a.m. and couldn't fall back asleep, so I binge-watched a whole season of a show on Netflix. It was a terrible fucking show as well. FML

Are you OK?

Today, I watched game 3 of the World Series. It went to 18 innings, and I started laughing like a lunatic and singing a variation on that song from Lamb Chop's Playalong called "This is The Game That Never Ends." Mind you, by the time the game finally ended it was nearly 3am. FML

Lonely but tidy

Today, I spent an hour cleaning my apartment because I thought I had a date coming over. Right as they were supposed to arrive, they canceled because they “got too tired.” Now it’s just me, alone in a spotless apartment, watching a terrible documentary on Netflix. FML

Today, I fell asleep while watching the Ted Bundy documentary. I'm a woman, home alone, in Seattle. The nightmares were so scary, I may never want to sleep again. FML

Everyone's a critic

Today, I saw the "Weird: Al Yankovic" movie. What a waste of time that I will never get back. And I don't have that much time left. FML

Timeline

Today, I watched four episodes of Frasier at my mom’s house and now my algorithm is all Frasier facts and memes. FML