Ouch!

Pain in the ass

Today, I awoke to an excruciating pain in my back from sleeping in the same position all night. I can't wipe my own ass. I've already gone to shit twice. FML

Many such cases

Today, I pulled a muscle in my arm while wiping my butt. FML

Today, I was finally able to get up and take a shit after being bedridden due to my knee surgery. I had diarrhea and because I can't properly bend my knee, I can't wipe my butt. FML

Today, I realized how weak I truly am when I tore a muscle in my hand trying to discreetly fix a wedgie. FML

Ouch

Today, I pulled a hamstring by taking a dump. FML

Today, I was doing homework and I had my leg bent in a funny position. When I stood up, my hip dislocated. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. When people ask me what happened, I have to say I dislocated my hip doing calculus. FML

Today, as I was trying to get out of bed, my foot began sliding across the floor. I instinctively tried to balance myself, only for the new angle to cause my right hip to painfully and loudly dislocate, making me fall face-forward into my dresser. Back stuck in bed after three days of freedom. FML

Bit of a stretch

Today, I did a series of stretches recommended to me by my physical therapist to help with my hip pain. I must've done them wrong despite following the instructions exactly because when I went shopping and my basket upended itself and spilled on the floor, I was in so much agony I couldn't squat to get it. FML

Today, I fell and sprained my ankle while trying to step into my underwear. FML

Today, after having my bath, I realised that I've gotten so fat that I have to lift up my butt cheeks in order to dry underneath them. FML