Today, I had to very seriously and very slowly explain to my friend why having a bat mitzvah for her dog was a very ignorant and insulting idea. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I told my friend I was considering adopting a dog. She looked at me like I was Satan and went on a rant about how dogs are "born evil" and will always maul someone given the chance. I still have the marks from when one of her psycho cats sliced open my arm last month. FML
Today, I can’t make it to my friend’s birthday party because my dog died this morning. I called my friend to inform her and she screamed at me because a "dumb animal" is more important than her best friend. Oh, and she asked me if that also means she won’t be getting a present. FML
Today, I went to a friend's wedding and was seated at a table with a bunch of strangers. To break the ice, I told a funny story about my dog. Turns out one of the guests is an animal behaviorist and spent the next hour explaining how I’ve been raising him all wrong. Thanks for the unsolicited advice during cocktail hour. FML
Today, I went to console my cousin because I'd heard that her dog had passed away. As I opened the door, the first thing I saw was her extremely old and feeble (but still very much alive) dog. Turns out my friend was talking about HIS cousin, and I simply misheard. Trying to explain that to her was mighty awkward. FML
Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend that getting on all fours and barking at my penis for fun in the center of a mall is extremely inappropriate. She thinks otherwise, and promises to do it again. FML
Today, I was at my friend's Bar Mitzvah. After he finished his long-winded speech, I sarcastically did the mockingjay sign from the Hunger Games. It took a couple of seconds before I realized how that looked, and a couple more for me to be shouted down and kicked out. FML
Today, my friends and I were finally able to meet up for lunch, amidst all of our busy schedules. We had fun talking and catching up about marriage, kids and careers. One friend decided to cause a huge scene though, because apparently we didn’t take her being a stay at home “dog mom” seriously. FML
Today, while handing out business cards to promote my new dog grooming business, I stopped to talk to a potential client. She let me get all the way through my 15-minute speech, before bothering to tell me she didn't have a dog. FML
Today, I somehow mistook the Star of David for a Pentagram. My Jewish friends were not amused. FML
Today, I was running down the street after my dog, arms waving and clapping, when my friend said to some curious passers-by, “Oh, never mind that, she’s deaf and has dementia.” From their looks, I don’t think they realized he meant the dog. FML
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Top comments
RichardPencil 32
Your friend is such a dummy. Everyone knows that dogs can't read Hebrew. They can only read English! Hahaha! Besides, dogs don't even like fountain pens!
HokieJ 10
Might you suggest a bark mitzvah?
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Comments (5)
RichardPencil 32
Your friend is such a dummy. Everyone knows that dogs can't read Hebrew. They can only read English! Hahaha! Besides, dogs don't even like fountain pens!
jobekka 20
why? who is she hurting?
Decipherme 11
Ha! Because they actually mean so much👍🏻🤔🤣
kevinwm0 15
Of course - everyone knows they're only for bats! Seriously though, I'm sorry to hear that he made light of a ceremony that's very important to you, perhaps you could suggest having his cat take communion or sign up for confirmation?
HokieJ 10
Might you suggest a bark mitzvah?