Today, after being accepted into the college of my dreams, I found out that my mom has spent all my college savings on alcohol over the years, and she says that it's my fault for not "helping her get help." FML
Today, my dad and stepmom insisted on having a babysitter stay with me while they go off on their 3-week vacation. I'm 22 and work full-time. FML
Today, I accidentally selected an emoji with a dark skin tone to use in a Teams chat with my colleagues and supervisor. I'm white. One of them complained and now HR wants to talk. FML
Today, my ex-husband has always been a snob about his high IQ and has always been open about his disappointment that our children are academically average, but now he tells me he won’t be helping pay for college because, as he puts it “What’s the point?” FML
Today, I finally managed to have a lucid dream. I went to soar across the sky like Superman. Nothing happened. I went to have dream sex with a hot babe. Her body was just a blur and I didn't feel anything. I literally cannot recall the last time I was so disappointed in anything. FML
Today, after my windshield wipers being stolen twice in a row, I decided to hide in my car to catch the thief. I fell asleep. When I woke up, the new wipers were gone. FML
Today, while getting my MRI, I found out I had claustrophobia when I had a major panic attack and then was pulled out after only completing a single scan. I suffered through the other 10 because if that happened a second time, we'd have to reschedule after I took meds for it. I didn't even know I had claustrophobia. FML
Today, my husband made an elaborate heartfelt speech to a female colleague regarding her job promotion during her celebration dinner that had everyone in tears. During our wedding, he insisted on not do wedding vows because he “doesn’t like all that emotional shit.” FML
Today, I took my car in because of a strange rattling noise. The mechanic charged me nothing, just handed me back my reusable water bottle that had been rolling around under the passenger seat for three months. FML
Today, after months of my best friend telling me we were going to be roommates and moving to a new city together, with me trusting her, she ditched me because “everyone” told her not to live with me. She’s still moving, and we’re going to be in the same school and class. FML
Today, I received a notification that my phone screen time was down by 40% this week. I was incredibly proud of myself until I remembered I'd spent most of the week watching TV instead. FML
Today, I found out my hot Mormon neighbors can be gay, but they can’t act on it. FML
Today, I spent minutes trying to open my apartment door before realizing I was one floor above my own. My terrified neighbor watched me struggle with my keys through their peephole the entire time, until he yelled "I'M CALLING 911!" and I realized where I was. FML
Today, I suggested to my mom that, as a thank you for me taking care of her 2 dozen animals for weeks, she might get rid of the garbage heaps that have been sitting in inconvenient places for months, and also finally repair the shower in the house I rent from her. FML
Today, I let my dogs out, and then realized they didn't have their electric fence collars on. I ran inside to get the collars, then dashed out to put them on my dogs. I ran through the electric fence. The collars were on. FML
Today, I set ten alarms for an important appointment and still woke up convinced I’d missed it. I spent the morning panicking for no reason and showed up looking exactly how I felt. FML
Today, I got round to organizing my apartment, sorting everything into boxes and shelves. However, due to my arbitrary sorting method, I now can't find everyday things because they're not in their usual place (in a clutter on my desk), including the charger cable I used five minutes ago. My place looks organized. My life does not. FML
Today, it was my first day at my new job at a nursing home. Not only were we short staffed, two residents passed away, and I got beaten up by an old man. FML
Today, I decided to push myself and go to a morning yoga class, despite suffering from horrible insomnia for the past few nights. During child’s pose, I fell dead asleep on my mat and only woke up because I ripped a comedically loud fart and startled myself. FML
Today, I made a small batch of cookies and took them to work. Mostly everyone took one, but nobody said anything until I asked how they were. Someone asked what my recipe was, because it tasted like I'd forgot to add sugar. I bit into one. I had. The cookies tasted like muddy mush. FML
Today, I found the missing sock from my laundry inside the sleeve of a hoodie I’d already worn twice. I now know where my laundry goes to hide from me. FML
Today, I told my friends that I’d cover dinner for my birthday. Five minutes later, my bank app hit me with a low-balance alert. Everyone had already picked their orders. FML
Today, I was on the elevator at work. As it descended, a roach started scurrying about around my feet. I freaked out and started screaming, hitting the panic button without thinking. Now I'm facing a hefty fine for using the panic button when there wasn't a "real" emergency. FML
Today, I spent an hour trying to figure out why my laptop wouldn't charge. I restarted it three times, watched two tutorials, and almost ordered a new charger until I realized that the actual charger wasn't plugged into the wall. FML
Today, I’m 9 months pregnant. I was in a grocery store when this little hellspawn came tearing ass down the aisle right at me. I instinctively turned to the side to protect my belly, while the brat crashed into my hip and fell backward. His cunt of a mother cussed me out for knocking down her “baby”. FML
Today I watched my 90 year-old father-in-law's friend dip an entire piece of bread into her wine glass, swish it around with her fork, and then eat it. In a restaurant. FML
Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5 a.m. because she thought someone was watching her from the park. It was a trash can. FML
Today, my aging father mentioned something off-hand about me maybe changing my mind about someday having kids. The truth is my husband and I would love to, but I’m not able. I don’t have the heart to tell him. FML
Today, I warned my new boyfriend not to approach my ferret, as he is still quite young and bites when he plays. He ignored me completely because “animals love him”, and when my ferret latched onto his finger, he threw him across the room. Now I can’t find him anywhere in the house. FML
Today, I met a truck driver at my job and he gave me some fatherly advice. The whole time I was listening, I was also thinking like, why didn't my dad stay and want to be in my life? FML
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