Today, my husband farted, grabbed a fan and blew the smell right at me. Disgusted, I reminded him that I’m a lady, not a dude. He burst out laughing and sang, "Dude looks like a lady." FML
Today, I attempted to make a good impression amongst new coworkers by volunteering to be the designated driver at my work party. What did that get me? A backseat full of puke and some idiot too drunk to remember where he lived. FML
Today, I had to explain to my mother that a lace mini-dress with an obscene amount of cleavage was not appropriate to wear while meeting my boyfriend's parents. She called me an "annoying prude" and said that with my attitude, I don't deserve to have a man. FML
Today, I found out that my restaurant's food is so bad that the only reason some people visit is because they're punishing their kids. FML
Today, days after I broke up with my girlfriend, my dad tried to make her feel better by inviting her to our family BBQ next weekend. FML
Today, I spent my last day at the hospital for a long epilepsy test. Apparently, I don't have epilepsy at all, but I do have extreme stress. This means that I've been taking several anti-seizure medications that ruined my college plans and made me sick for half a year, all for nothing. FML
HollyJollyXmas tells us more.
This wasn't a recent event but happened a year ago. To those who say I should be grateful, I am! I am so very grateful and I view life in a more positive life. I'm a strong advocate for Epilepsy and against Ableism in any form. It really was an event that changed my life. When it comes to college, if I didn't have this health scare, I'd still probably be on the path to become a teacher, not making my art a career. To those who ask, "Why not have the test in the first place?!" It's not that simple. First they take MRI's then EEG's. I had several of those over the course of time. The test was a last resort when my Neurologist couldn't figure out why the strongest meds weren't helping me. So I went to John Hopkins for a week long EEG test. This was me sitting in bed with wires all attached to my head. This is not a light test but a test to really see if there was something really wrong with my mind. But after all this, I'm glad it's just psychogenic seizures, not real epilepsy. But the whole experience was a life changer.
Today, after telling my mother-in-law about my recent miscarriage, she cheerfully made a cake to celebrate. FML
Today, I was delivering pizza. When I went up to the front door, an elderly lady answered. She was wearing a floral dress that went down to her shins and had a Nicolas Cage mask on with eye holes cut out. When I glanced behind her, I saw her cats had them too. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I watched the new movie "The Purge." After the movie, I jokingly asked him that if the U.S. had such a purge in real life, would he participate, and who would he kill first. Without missing a beat, he said, "you." FML
Today, at work, a customer came in and ordered a "Butterbeer Frappuccino." When I said we serve no such thing, she yelled at me for "lying" to her, saying she knew about our "secret menu." She ended up complaining to my manager and demanded that he fire me. FML
Today, I found out why my daughter eats so many sugary baked goods. According to her, when you bake things, all the sugar and calories are "released" and so you can't gain weight from it. It seems I raised a moron. FML
Today, it was my high school graduation. Everything was going fine until everyone saw my family fighting over where we would go afterwards. Security had to pull them apart. FML
Today, at the gym, my boobs were jiggling more than the girl next to me. This would be a good thing, if I wasn't a guy. FML
Today, I drove 2 hours to my sister's wedding, only to find out my invitation was sent to me by mistake. She had me kicked out. FML
Today, I got to drive my mom's car. I'd recently watched the new Fast and Furious movie, I thought it'd be fun to drift around a few corners. I ended up smashing straight into someone's front yard. FML
Today, my band and I played at our first ever real gig. Our drummer turned up high out of his damn mind. After ruining our act with his godawful performance, he screamed "HELL YEAH!" then ran and dove off the stage into a nearly non-existent audience. We were told to never come back. FML
Today, my idiot horse decided to grab a mouthful of stinging nettles while I was riding him. He panicked at the burning sensation in his mouth and bucked me off. Don't worry, though, my fall was cushioned, by the nettles. FML
Today, I could no longer handle the drum music in the apartment below me so I went to kindly ask the little old lady to shut it off before she goes to bed. Her neighbor came out while I knocked to tell me she is out of town and the music is constant so her cats don't get lonely. FML
anew27 tells us more.
anew27 5
OP here, if it was Ted Nugent I was partaking of, I would kindly ask her to turn it up.
Today, I got mugged on the way to my 21st birthday party at a bar. I begged the thug to at least throw me my ID, only to have him laugh and run away singing, "Happy Birthday." FML
Today, I saw mice eating from my cat's food dish, again. Where is my cat? He's busy bringing in more mice, birds, and once even an unharmed chipmunk through his cat door. FML
DolphinGirl369 tells us more.
Hi, OP here. I posted this before I had an account, and just found this again looking at random fmls. I live out in the country on a gravel road so there isn't much traffic, and my cat, (Indy for Indiana Jones), is very good with cars. Also, the cat shelter where he was raised allowed the cats outside through a cat door. At first he was an indoor cat, but he started marking different areas of the house. It stopped for a while after we started letting him outside. But then if we were asleep or about to go to bed, and refused to let him out, he started marking again. That's when we got him the cat door. There have been no problems since then. We can't just get rid of him. My autistic brother loves him very much, and is great with him. And Indy is VERY affectionate, at times acting more like a dog than a cat. (That's not an insult, Indy loves dogs.) A lot of times they sleep together with Indy at his feet, or sharing his pillow. Indy will also watch tv with my brother. They really are great for each other. As for bringing animals inside, he will kill them, and sometimes eat them, but a lot of times we notice he has something before he's hurt them. In which case we get the animal away from him, and hopefully outside. The mice sometimes run away before we have a chance to do anything. Also, once he dropped a completely unharmed sparrow in his food dish. Of course it flew all over the house before we finally got it out. I guess he thought it would stay in his food dish? Yeah, he's not always the smartest, but we love him. Oh, and the count for chipmunks, both completely unharmed, is now up to two. All told, he is one of the best pets I've ever had. I just wish he would get the mice out, not bring more in. PS the reason there are mice in the house, along with living in the country, is because the foundation for our house wasn't built properly. There was a twelve foot long area that only had styrofoam between the outside and the inside of the walls. Yeah, the guy who built our house is a moron. Sorry for the long post. Thanks for the fun comments.
Today, at my new job at a funeral home, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't "lighten the hell up" while dealing with our grieving clients. FML
Today, after having spent years staying in school, working hard to achieve good grades, and avoiding all the bad kids, my mom accused me of having no direction in life and complained about how I haven't given her a grandchild yet. I'm 19. FML
Today, my little sister was scared to sleep alone, so my parents made her sleep in bed with me. I barely slept, due to the utter terror of waking up to her chanting into my ear in a low whisper, "This is where you die, this is where you die..." FML
Today, I went to a water park with a group of friends. As I went down the water slide, some complete turdwaffle of a kid in the water kicked his leg out in line with my crotch. The moment I hit the bottom was the moment I think I became sterile. FML
Today, I threw a birthday party for my boyfriend. As a joke, my friend and I served him non-alcoholic beer to see how he'd react. After a while, he faked being drunk, using it as an excuse after I caught him making out with one of my so-called "friends". FML
Today, at the office, my most annoying client asked me to send her a document. I have now sent it to her over 5 times, in a different format each time, and every single time she replies with, "Not in the requested format". She won't tell me what the requested format is. FML
Today, I went to the gym for the first time in a while. I was doing upper body workouts and decided to ask a very large muscular man to spot me while I did bench presses. As he stood over me, I saw two beads of sweat roll off his nose. One hit me on the cheek. The other landed in my open mouth. FML
Today, I got a promotion and transfer at work. My first responsibility is to fire my soon to be father in-law. FML
Today, I had my wisdom teeth pulled. I woke up right as the dentist pulled my last tooth. FML
Applejacks18 tells us more.
Applejacks18 15
OP here. I was awake for about 2 minutes before they knocked me out again. My tooth actually broke on the way out so I heard the dentist debate with his staff whether or not he should just leave the root in. The dentist is a cool guy and even offered to buy me lunch sometime.
Today, I saw a man on my bike that was stolen a few years ago. I asked him if I could have my bike back just wondering what he'd say. He calmly replied, "Hell no, I stole this fair and square." FML
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