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By epic174 - 07/10/2014 22:15 - United States

Today, my sister told me about her upcoming trip to Mexico. I asked her how she was going to do anything without knowing any Spanish. She told me she's "just going to read their lips". FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 393

You deserved it 2 812

By nosestealer - 07/07/2013 21:57 - Canada - Brampton

Today, my five-year-old daughter called the police to report her stolen nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 494

You deserved it 9 877

By fEk - 22/03/2019 14:00 - Australia

Today, I couldn't find my reading glasses, thinking perhaps i'd dropped them outside, I stepped off my deck bare foot, straight into a steaming dog turd. Only to see my glasses chewed up a few feet away. It went between my toes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 011

You deserved it 349

Disappointed

By WhatALetdown - 25/11/2015 00:26 - United States - Danbury

Spicy

Today, I had sex with the guy who had been the main subject of my bean-flicking fantasies since I met him. It was the absolute worst sex of my life. I guess some things are just better left to the imagination. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 676

You deserved it 5 547

By DWIcop - 03/04/2019 00:00

Today, while leaving our county courthouse after testifying as the arresting officer in multiple DWI cases, I hit a wrong way sign in the court’s parking lot. All the defense attorneys were outside, asking me if I was drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 786

You deserved it 839

By abby181 - 03/09/2011 14:36 - United States

Today, my six year-old nephew told me to peel off my skin because, "They say you look prettier on the inside." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 127

You deserved it 3 510

By Sock_Muppet - 06/04/2019 20:00

Today, I looked at my sister's Instagram story, and saw her, my brother, and my father all on a family road trip to Reno without me. I wasn't told anything about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 431

You deserved it 188

By Brunofk7 - 21/11/2015 00:59 - Peru - Lima

Today, I made a multiple choice exam so my friend could practice and get a good grade on his real exam. While I was helping him finish it, the teacher saw it, thought we were cheating and failed us both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 224

You deserved it 2 756

By whymegirl - 22/07/2012 04:24 - United States - Worcester

Today, my cousin is coming home after his honeymoon. His gift to his new wife was a puppy, which I said I would take care of while they went away. I sneezed last week and scared the puppy. She ran off. This was ten days ago, and I still haven't found the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 079

You deserved it 8 607

MOVE!

By Btdtgts - 25/03/2017 14:00

Today, I had to take out the grease traps from our fryers. A very rude co-worker cut me off, so I had to abruptly stop and try to prevent as much spilling as possible. Luckily, it only spilled on me. I'm here for six more hours with burned, smelly, greasy spots all over my skin and clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 637

You deserved it 341

USA Number One!

By Anonymous - 07/01/2021 05:30 - United States - Wynnewood

Today, I live in the same country that deployed the National Guard to suppress peaceful BLM protests, yet allowed a bunch of psychotic Trump supporters to break into the Capitol. I’m ashamed to be human right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 583

You deserved it 694

By No money, mo' problems - 18/06/2013 22:01 - United States

Today, I witnessed an elderly lady getting mugged. I ran over to the guy mugging her and offered him the money in my wallet in return for him leaving her alone. The old lady snatched my money and ran away with the mugger. What the hell just happened? FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 233

You deserved it 9 677

By Lydlsis - 30/10/2015 23:53 - United States

Today, while shopping, I suddenly got the terrible urge to use the bathroom. I already had several items and my 5-year-old niece in tow, so I hurried to checkout. I ended up pissing myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 766

You deserved it 4 634

Hashtag ForeverAlone

By Forever Alone - 16/05/2019 06:14

Today, I was so happy to hear my phone go "Ding" that I jumped for joy out of my couch. It was actually a character on my TV getting a text. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 704

You deserved it 304

Early warning

By SamAaron502 - 29/10/2015 10:16 - United States - Saint Peters

Today, I woke up at 3 a.m. to get ready for a "fun work retreat". After driving 2 hours to the site, I find that nobody's there. After about half an hour standing there freezing, I get an email from my boss, telling me that, "It's canceled due to bad weather." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 419

You deserved it 1 803

By OutOfWork.OutOfTime - 28/10/2015 01:34 - United States - Cookeville

Today, I had my first job interview since graduating from university. The person who interviewed me informed me that not using my degree after two years practically makes it null and void. I guess instead of being a financial advisor at the company, I could always be a janitor there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 735

You deserved it 1 869

By BloodFaerie - 30/06/2012 06:49 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I saw a large spider carry away the body of a dead spider in the bathroom. In my anthropology class, we learned one of the first signs of civilization is caring for the dead. First, they become civilized, and next, they take over. I will never sleep again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 349

You deserved it 4 446

BloodFaerie tells us more.

BloodFaerie 21

Monday 2 July 2012 8:42

OP here and I find it really funny that the people without a frickin' sense of humour are calling *me* stupid. (Not to mention when said assholes appear to be illiterate...) Yes, I know it is probably going to eat it - seeing as next time I went in there the spider had gotten smart enough to stop and wrap up its dinner to make it easier to carry, lol. (Problem solving abilities now? hmmmmmm lol) And, let's see... I was obviously in college at one point, so I would hope some of you would realize that means I'm educated. Please learn to take a joke. I'm just happy I finally got an FML accepted. And, of all of them it was a joke about one spider carrying off a "wounded comrade". And I saw someone did allude to the fact I must have left the dead one as a warning to the others. Muahahahahaha. *AND* maaaaybe this was a carefully staged display on their part to turn the tables and send *ME* a warning that they won't be dealt with so easily - that there are always MORE. *shudders* Finally, the reason there are so many spiders? I live in the basement of this house out in rural North Georgia and this scene took place in the bathroom in the back corner of said basement. So... the spiders love it there.

By stpdaziandude - 08/05/2009 20:51 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was watching an animal behavior movie. All of a sudden, it brings up two snails going at it. I got hard watching it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 929

You deserved it 45 035

By Anonymous - 20/05/2019 14:22

Today, I had to cover for a coworker so I worked a 12-hour shift. I worked so late, I missed the final episode of Game of Thrones, which I have been really looking forward to. Guess who texted me, talking about how it ended? FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 185

You deserved it 338

Tinder surprise

By Oopsie - 27/05/2019 20:17

Spicy

Today, I accidentally sent a screenshot of my Tinder conversation to my mom, instead of my friend. Yes, it was dirty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 930

You deserved it 2 362

By hopeless romantic - 14/08/2014 15:06 - United States - Dayton

Today, I realized my dog looks at me with way more love in his eyes than my own boyfriend does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 185

You deserved it 5 548

By VDM - 03/06/2013 21:16 - France - Poissy

Today, my 6-year-old son was so angry at me for not buying him overpriced candy at the airport that he told a security guard I had a machine gun in my suitcase. The interrogation was not pleasant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 647

You deserved it 8 239

By MozillaHostile - 09/10/2015 18:54 - Canada

Today, I saw my cat attacking a suitcase under my bed for apparently no reason. I laughed and picked it up to show him that there was nothing there, only to find a huge wasp hiding under it. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 22 937

You deserved it 2 689

By a chick in California - 14/06/2012 20:10 - United States - Ceres

Spicy

Today, all my guy friends kept hugging me tightly and then softly and then tightly again. I later found out they just wanted to feel my boobs on their chests. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 343

You deserved it 8 709

His dark side

By JJLight - 27/05/2013 03:14 - United States - Camarillo

Today, I invited my boyfriend to come to an event to meet some of my friends for the first time. I had been raving about him for weeks, and everyone was curious to meet this "amazing guy" I'd been dating. He showed up in a Darth Vader costume because he thought it would be funny to embarrass me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 746

You deserved it 11 439

Moving on

By crash and burn - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I moved states to be with my soulmate in our new condo. It was also the day I took out a neighbor's balcony with my U-Haul. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 919

You deserved it 2 555

By Anonymous - 09/10/2010 05:15 - New Zealand

Spicy

Today, I had a wet dream about having sexual relations with a rubber duck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 298

You deserved it 9 791

By Volume_control - 10/11/2009 14:41 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having it off in his den, I screamed at the height of my climax, and from the family room came the roaring laughter of my boyfriend's brothers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 864

You deserved it 31 460

By CaddyWhack - 18/11/2016 20:57

Today, after a couple of months of enjoying an informal parking arrangement with a local bank, I found out they sold their extra lot without telling me. The new owner's towing company heard about the deal, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 526

You deserved it 808

Bad start

By Tripp - 14/07/2019 14:00

Today, I sat my mom down to tell her I was pregnant, but before I could say anything, she started to lecture me on safe sex. I don't see this ending well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 806

You deserved it 629

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Today, I was starting to get freaky with my boyfriend when his dad came in with no warning to let the dog into my boyfriend's bedroom. His dad noticed what was going on and covered the dog's eyes instead of just leaving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 724

You deserved it 3 914

Today, I finally received the last check from my insurance company after my house flooded 10 months ago. Tonight my house flooded again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 317

You deserved it 4 304

Today, I was sitting on the train when some crazy man started talking to me. I ignored him, and he tapped on my shoulder. He started blabbing and I just pointed to my ears and mouthed, "I'm deaf." He stopped talking. A minute later my phone rang and I answered it without thinking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 082

You deserved it 75 612

Today, I was happy to find flowers at my desk when I came to work. Then I discovered all the women received flowers, while the men received bonus checks. Yes, because women should be paid in flowers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 098

You deserved it 767

Today, it's 2am. I've been trying to get to sleep for the past two hours next to my snoring boyfriend. Every time I nudge him to shut him up, his body tenses, he farts, then goes straight back to snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 910

You deserved it 511

Today, my boyfriend, who doesn't have a license, backed up my car in a Taco Bell parking lot. Someone else was also backing up and smashed right into my car. If they ask to see the camera footage, they're going to see he was driving and not me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 500

You deserved it 2 002