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By Anonymous - 05/04/2019 18:00

Today, I realised how little my husband trusts me after I told him I was pregnant and the first words out of his mouth were, “Is it mine?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 544

You deserved it 439

By lemonlime66 - 20/11/2015 00:25 - United States - Lyman

Today, my crush came into the gas station I work at and said, "Man, you look hot today!" Flattered, I thanked him. He replied, "No, I mean like hot and sweaty, like you've been working hard." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 195

You deserved it 2 269

lemonlime66 tells us more.

lemonlime66 21

Friday 20 November 2015 20:59

Hey, OP here. This happened a few months ago, but I still remember the embarrassment like it was this morning. I made a joke out of it, we became close, and then his wife and I found out about each other. We became friends, they got divorced, and we all lived happily ever after (except him).

Swing low, sweet chariot

By I need a new ballsack. - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Macclesfield

Today, I'm at that age where sitting down carries a 50/50 chance of turning my balls into scrambled eggs, a fact confirmed yet again today. Third time this week. I think it's time to switch to briefs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 793

You deserved it 4 634

Mixed results

By Anonymous - 11/01/2021 17:00

Today, I realized that in the 3 and half month relationship with a wonderful guy I truly like, so far I've masturbated more than the whole year I was single before I met him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 968

You deserved it 282

By apaterra - 07/11/2015 14:14 - United States - Washington

Today, I had to come up with a new rule for my library's patrons: If you, your child, or your dog has thrown up on our books, we DON'T WANT THEM BACK. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 444

You deserved it 1 529

Oh no…

By OhWait - 23/10/2015 00:18 - United States - Schenectady

Today, after six weeks of dealing with various exterminators, my roommate and I were about to toast to what we were told was a wasp-free room. That's when we noticed several much smaller wasps flying around. Not only is our wasp problem not solved, but our room is a wasp breeding ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 122

You deserved it 1 466

By jimmyironic - 13/12/2016 04:16 - United States - Lorain

Today, while working for my grandma to clean her gutters, my gloves ripped to such a point that they became useless. There was more raccoon shit than leaves in the gutters and I had to clean it all with my bare hands. I'm talking 5 buckets worth of it. To top it off, the high today was a balmy 35° Fahrenheit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 999

You deserved it 957

jimmyironic tells us more.

jimmyironic 9

Saturday 17 December 2016 20:45

for everyone telling me I should have grabbed a new set of gloves, believe me, I tried. I searched the entire house and asked my brother for gloves too. there were no others. I also had a date in 3 hours with my girlfriend and needed to get this done and get showered before it was time to leave. i didn't have money to run to the store to buy new gloves. And grandma wasn't home to loan me the money. Nor would she be home until about 30 minutes before I had to leave. So I just had to suck it up and clean them then. I also live pretty far from my grandma's house and wouldn't be able to see her again until Christmas. so this was my last chance to clean them before they were frozen solid.

By caitywebbkid - 11/12/2016 15:56 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was cutting some paper when I accidentally cut a sizeable chunk out of my finger. I went to my car to get my bumbag (I'm a lifeguard) so I could patch it up. I then promptly got a large piece of glass in my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 819

You deserved it 819

Landlords…

By Anonymous - 15/10/2015 20:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I got nearly kicked out of the room I rent because I refuse to close my curtains at night. Apparently, my landlady thinks it doesn't look nice when people pass by and look. My room is on the third floor and I just want to see the stars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 601

You deserved it 1 904

Mukbang

By Anonymous - 04/12/2016 22:14

Today, my family held an intervention and told me I needed to lose weight. It probably would've had more impact if they hadn't done this over video chat while stuffing their faces at an all-you-can-eat buffet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 550

You deserved it 806

Put the mouse back in the house, dude

By soulaar - 02/10/2015 14:22 - Vietnam - Dong Nai

Today, I was sitting outside in a pair of shorts. After about 15 minutes of getting weird looks from people, I realized my cock was sticking out of a hole that wasn't in my shorts when I put them on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 882

You deserved it 5 438

Mfing kids

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Salem

Today, I asked my class of fifth graders to write down a list of all the compound words they knew. At least four of them put down 'motherfucker'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 931

You deserved it 5 478

By catastrophy - 19/11/2016 09:20

Today, a guy I've been seeing called me really drunk again to talk about his and his cat's angst. He put me on speaker so I could have a meowing-conversation with his cat to soothe her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 867

You deserved it 1 336

By Liferuinedforever - 14/05/2013 07:13 - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, I found out I'm actually the uncle of my children. All four of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110 481

You deserved it 6 761

Due diligence

By jobless - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Buffalo

Today, I heard back from a company that I recently interviewed with. They told me I didn't get the job because "it was obvious that I had been coached." I wasn't. Sorry that I actually researched the company unlike the rest of the nitwit candidates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 120

You deserved it 3 913

By nicbear - 15/06/2017 04:00

Today, I was fired from my job over a coupon a coworker offered me for bonus reward points. Apparently, it wasn't one I was entitled to. I never even looked at the coupon and assumed it was fine since they offered it to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 199

You deserved it 510

By RedLion23 - 03/11/2009 20:08 - United Kingdom

Today, good news! The guitar I have been saving up for, for 5 months, finally arrived. It came inside a beautiful black and white case, and impossible to get into without the key. They didn't pack the key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 315

You deserved it 2 920

WAURGH

By Anonymous - 03/11/2009 02:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months and I finally had sex. He sounds like Chewbacca when he comes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 958

You deserved it 4 272

By Anonymous - 05/09/2015 04:58 - United States - Latrobe

Today, for the first time in my life, a girl hit on me. Specifically, a lesbian who thought I was a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 527

You deserved it 2 400

Getting on

By cookieman - 06/01/2017 11:52

Today, in a coffee shop, I purchased two doughnuts and cup of coffee, a regular order which I've bought many times before. Today the cost was $1 less and when I inquired why, I was told, "I gave you the senior's discount." Their policy is a senior discount for anyone over 55. I turned 50 last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 480

You deserved it 1 330

By coinceducul - 24/01/2016 17:31 - France

Today, I had to take my parents to the hospital after a failed attempt at a Kamasutra position. FML

I agree, your life sucks 886

You deserved it 62

Wrong size

By ali927truthh - 12/01/2020 03:00

Today, when I finally got delivered the new kitchen table that I ordered online a week ago, I found out that it was actually a kitchen table for a dollhouse, as I forgot to check the size. FML

I agree, your life sucks 779

You deserved it 2 728

By thanks gramps - 19/04/2013 07:27 - Canada - Whitehorse

Today, I posted a video of a dance I choreographed on Facebook. I got a notification a few hours later telling me that my grandpa had also shared it. His caption? "My granddaughter dances like a gay baboon and this dance sucks balls. Throw grapes at her." Thanks grandpa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 837

You deserved it 9 905

By Anonymous - 26/05/2014 11:37 - United Kingdom - Wolverhampton

Today, my friend announced that she'd lost weight recently. As I was congratulating her, my baby sister said, "I think you're still fat but that's good because you can give more meat to God when you go to heaven." Now I have to explain to a 6-year-old that God isn't a cannibal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 549

You deserved it 5 873

By Anonymous - 19/08/2019 06:01

Today, I had to stand outside the changing room while two of my coworkers had noisy sex. I just needed my car keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 103

You deserved it 237

Oh, so cute

By Anonymous - 10/04/2013 04:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the store to buy oranges and pick up a pack of condoms. When we were at the checkout counter, my boyfriend happily told the cashier, "The only way we can have sex is if we squeeze oranges all over our bodies." FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 028

You deserved it 13 243

By Nikki - 05/04/2009 03:40 - United States

Today, I was in IKEA, furniture shopping with my dad. He was looking at one couch that was particularly small. I said "dad that couch is for like a midget." I look over to see a midget looking at me, sitting on the same couch in a different color. He definitely heard me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 801

You deserved it 67 535

By Eve - 24/06/2011 10:45 - Ireland

Today, as I passed my fiancé the pancakes I had just made, he vocalised his happiness with a groan that was EXACTLY like the one he makes when we have sex. So on a sexiness rating, I'm a pancake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 129

You deserved it 10 736

Here, take these

By Gvinson36 - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, as they were being dropped off, I was informed that I'll be taking care of my grandparents' two cats. My apartment complex doesn't allow pets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 917

You deserved it 333

Risky business

By Sam - 07/05/2021 02:01

Today, my girlfriend had one of her seizures during foreplay. She’s fine, but I’m not, she had my penis in her hand and while seizing she squeezed it so hard she ruptured some blood vessels on the inside. I'm now walking bowlegged and on medication to stop me getting erections that might cause more damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 242

You deserved it 147

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The Top

Today, my 23 year old boyfriend of 2 years was forced to dump me, over the phone, by his mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 250

You deserved it 3 254

Today, while shopping in the baby department at a local department store, a woman approached me asking when I was due. I told her that I was due in 4 months. I lied. I'm not pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 847

You deserved it 28 963

Today, I boarded a trans-Atlantic flight by myself, and struck up a nice conversation with the passenger across the aisle. Before we even took off, the man in front of me unbuckled, stood to face me, and asked me to please shut the hell up. "It's a 9 hour flight, and you're VERY loud!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 496

You deserved it 37 054

Today, I spent 600 dollars to have my brakes fixed on my car, they weren't squeaking. I got my car back and now the brakes squeal and my air conditioning won't work. I just spent 600 dollars to break my car even more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 090

You deserved it 4 885

Today, I came home after a month to dog poop everywhere. Not because my dog is untrained, but because my brother is too lazy to clean the backyard and there’s nowhere left for them to poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 255

You deserved it 313

Today, against my wishes, my wife insisted we let my horrible mother meet her first grandson. This is a woman who refuses to learn basic English, but for the sake of insulting my wife who doesn’t speak Chinese, she still managed to say in English, “Baby so ugly, you do better with next one.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 703

You deserved it 140