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Hey, everyone, OP here! Thank you for everyone's kind words, and the play did indeed go to plan apart from that little hiccup. Extra little story: We had another show on the next day, and during the exact same scene, the exact same co-actor clinked her glass against mine so hard that it broke. I think she might have taken the drunkenness a bit too seriously. Fun times.

Last Christmas

By Syd - 21/12/2012 16:00 - United States - Plano

Today, I looked at my neighbor's empty lawn; he's an old guy and he usually has the best Christmas lights. We knew he might not be able to do them this year, so I felt bad and I did them for him. Later, a neighbor asked about them and I told her that I helped out. She said, "You do know he died, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 718

You deserved it 18 572

By Alex - 08/05/2016 19:12 - United States

Today, after spending $120 to have a bouquet of flowers delivered to my mom, she called to complain that I had forgotten about her for Mother's day, but also praise my sister for apparently receiving my flowers I sent at the door and passing them off as hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 716

You deserved it 924

Better call Saul

By possibly a sweater - 05/12/2013 22:26 - United States - Wharton

Today, I received a poorly-written letter from my asshole neighbor in which he threatened to "sew" me because my dog shat on his lawn again. I went over, asked if he needed some wool for his sewing, and told him to stop being an idiot. Now he's apparently hiring a lawyer for real. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 579

You deserved it 24 539

Caught red-handed

By caught - 09/01/2012 00:43 - United States

Today, I was bored and started touching myself watching TV. My mother walked into my bedroom with a phone in her hand and yelled, "Stop jacking off and talk to your grandmother." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 353

You deserved it 36 328

By Rach - 08/08/2018 23:30

Today, I didn't put any makeup on my acne-ridden and newly sun-burnt face. Today was also the first time I've ever run into my crush outside of work, all while trying to parallel park in a car that hasn't been washed in 6 months. I hit the car behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 088

You deserved it 797

Those things are creepy

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Akron

Today, I woke up and screamed. My older sister had placed a Furby right by my face while I was asleep. This is a common occurrence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 135

You deserved it 5 074

By TheSneakyNugget - 24/04/2016 15:18 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I watched a large, sweaty woman stick a hairbrush down her shirt to scratch a rash on her back, before putting it back on the shelf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 372

You deserved it 1 110

It's not you, it's you

By Anonymous - 22/04/2016 20:20 - United States - San Francisco

Today, through a mutual friend, I met the girl of my dreams. After flirting and exchanging numbers with her, my friend confessed that she's liked me since the day we met. Now the girl of my dreams doesn't want to pursue a relationship with me out of respect for our friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 658

You deserved it 1 769

Mysterious disappointment

By Anonymous - 05/07/2020 08:31

Today, I texted my mom and told her I'm pregnant and she responded with, "I can’t respond to this right now." So she and my dad are disappointed in me. None of my other siblings were married or even engaged before having their kids. I’m 23, engaged, and own my own house. I don’t see the problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 148

You deserved it 352

cheyennejocelyn tells us more.

cheyennejocelyn 7

Saturday 13 June 2020 21:03

This is my post, and my parents have never supported me in anything in life. They weren’t happy about my engagement, I knew they weren’t gonna be happy about my pregnancy, so to save to the argument I did it over text. I have since miscarried.

Shy colon

By scared2poop - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - Australia - Brighton

Today, like many other days, I drove 15 minutes away from my girlfriend's house to poop at the local McDonald's, because I'm too scared of her roommates hearing my extreme noise terror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 861

You deserved it 4 017

By CrappyValentine - 14/02/2012 18:56 - Netherlands

Today, I tried convincing my Valentine-hating boyfriend to send me a card, by explaining how important it is to me. He finally agreed and sent me a card. I opened it up, and it wished me 'harmony and well-being on Lupercalia'. What is Lupercalia? It's an ancient Roman festival where men run down the street naked, whipping people with goat skins to encourage fertility. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 380

You deserved it 37 920

By I can still feel it... - 24/08/2018 19:30 - United States - Midlothian

Today, my contact split completely in half at a wedding. Not only did I interrupt the vows with my scream of pain, but I was only able to fish out half of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 872

You deserved it 295

By girl_what - 02/09/2018 23:30

Today, my parents informed me that my dad is leaving my mom and moving to Florida from New York tomorrow. I just spent $300 on a new crossbow for his birthday, which is tomorrow, in hopes that he would spend more time with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 252

You deserved it 227

Small guy

By no luck chuck - 09/10/2021 02:00 - United States

Today, I knew I was a small guy and finally about to get laid for the first time in years. Everything was going great, until she got my pants off. She stared at it, stared at me, stared back at it and said, "Yeah, that’s not gonna happen." Got dressed and left. Sadly this has happened many times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 970

You deserved it 236

By GrumpyBunny - 28/03/2016 07:27 - United States - Marysville

Today, I learned the true meaning of "throwing money down the toilet" when pulling my pants up, somehow my $100 Easter money fell out of my pocket mid flush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 009

You deserved it 4 461

By Mariah Heimann - 15/12/2011 03:34 - United States

Today, after getting rear ended by a car, I texted my husband to let him know I was in the hospital. His response? "I'm at Taco Bell." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 135

You deserved it 3 388

By Anonymous - 23/03/2016 22:48 - United States - Lake Worth

Today, I found out that my mom has been deliberately forgetting to help me practice my driving. It's not because the insurance will go up once I pass the test, she doesn't want my 14 year-old sister to feel left behind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 724

You deserved it 1 201

Fun night out

By highlydisgusted - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I went on a first date. He left me standing at a bus stop while he took a dump in some bushes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 269

You deserved it 4 840

Thanks!

By uh-oh - 21/07/2009 19:45 - United States

Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom's hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, dropped a condom on the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 160

You deserved it 30 950

By cantdolife - 23/09/2018 21:00 - United States - New Boston

Today, as a teacher, I had a conference with the mother of a student who is struggling with behavior. Turns out the mom is the woman who does my Brazilian waxes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 391

You deserved it 310

By TiredParent - 09/10/2018 12:00

Today, I had to take my eyes off my kid for a minute to respond to an important work email. I was about to click send when I heard a flushing sound and mad giggling. It was the TV remote. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 659

You deserved it 567

Secret unlocked

By Anonymous - 25/01/2010 08:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend kept trying to convince me to do anal with him. After denying him several times, he told me, "Why? It feels good, trust me." I asked him how would he know. There was a long awkward silence, then he then replied, "I'm not gay, I swear." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 139

You deserved it 5 239

By Jem - 11/01/2015 03:02 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was fired for "blatant, inexcusable racism". My boss had asked me which website background I preferred for our company, and I said that white backgrounds are usually best. He thinks that I believe in white supremacy, and that's bad for the company's image. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 003

You deserved it 2 660

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/01/2011 09:53 - France

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 333

You deserved it 29 281

By BloodyNoseMcgee - 11/10/2018 15:30

Today, I dropped some glass at my job while putting it on the shelf. A shard bounced off the floor and went up my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 017

You deserved it 189

By Dan - 20/10/2018 15:30

Today, I put some Gold Bond in between my legs to help reduce moisture. After I finished applying it, I discovered that the Gold Bond had Menthol in it. My crotch is on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 602

You deserved it 2 365

By remembertoday - 17/02/2016 03:12 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I braved a snowstorm to go into work. An hour later, my boss texted me that they were closing. I was stuck on the road, unable to go home for another 2 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 558

You deserved it 1 719

remembertoday tells us more.

remembertoday 5

Thursday 18 February 2016 3:59

My boss didn't really have any control over it. When the CEO got in to work and saw how bad it was he decided to close for the first time in the 8 years I have worked there. The city didn't even issue a travel advisory for another 30 minutes after our office was closed.